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Happy Birthday

I woke up on my front lawn. Dirt and dust covered my tattered clothing. My eyes fully opened to soon be blinded by the sun looming over me. It’s morning, I thought to myself. Which means that I’m still alive, or purgatory isn’t as spiritual as the movies say it is. I lifted myself up and took a moment to look at my now destroyed environment. Giant fissures had opened in the ground, massive piles of car wreckage spread out on the roads, and nearly every house had been nothing but a pile of rubble. I could hardly tell if I was in my neighborhood anymore. I turned around to look at my house. My poor house. A giant oak tree that had been standing still for as long as I could remember had decided to come down and land right in the center of of my house, cutting it right in half. All I could do is stare and mutter “S***” under my breath.


Now, you’re probably wondering: “Why does this sound like an aftermath of a natural disaster and not a comedy?” Well, sorry friend, you have to wait a second and let me explain my situation first. And also, yes this is the aftermath of a disaster. To put it simply: The world had basically ended. Now bear with me right now. You know how when there’s an end of the world scare, the one to mostly start it is someone, or something, that can apparently tell the future and say when the world will end? And you know how 100% of the time, they’re inaccurate and they basically Punk’d the entire world? Well let’s just say the crazy bastard who predicted the world’s end was actually right this time. It all started last week. Some well known internet blogger who said they could tell the future because of the stars or the zodiac signs or whatever, predicted the end of the world and all of their followers went batshit crazy and shared the post all over the internet. It just turned out to be that the end of the world also landed on my best friend, Matt’s, 21st  birthday. So my other friend George and I decided to take Matt to a bar and get him piss-drunk (along with getting ourselves wasted as well) as a way of giving this whole scare the finger.


As I sit down and stare at what’s left of my house, I remember what happened last night, right before the world ended. The three of us walked into a bar that was nearly empty. Probably because everyone was at home with their families due to the whole scare. There were only a few customers and about two bartenders serving drinks. George approaches the bar and speaks nonsense to the bartender while placing his credit card down on the table. He was already high off of half a pint of Lean before coming here. “George, what the hell did you tell the poor man to do?” I ask him.


“Relax, Dave”, he responds. “I only asked him to grab one of every kind of alcohol they have here. I gotta make sure little Matt’s not a lightweight, like you”.


“George, I swear, if this world really is going to end you’re probably kill Matt before the the apocalypse does”. George lets out a deranged smile as Matt approaches us and grabs a stool.


“Relax Dave”, Matt says. “It’s already 8 PM. If the world was going to end, it would’ve happened by now”. I roll my eyes and fix my gaze at the two bartenders who started handing us one of every bottle on the shelf. After our stockpile of booze had been fully created, George takes out the second half of Lean he had in his jacket, mixes a bit of every drink on the table and hands it to Matt. “Alright Matt, this is your birthday cake. Drink it all and wait for the magic to happen”. Without any amount of hesitation, Matt chugs the entire drink without even a break to breathe. While he does that, I started chugging my first bottle of beer, and George pulls out a joint and starts discreetly lighting it. Don’t ask me where he got all these drugs from, he’s actually a pretty sober guy most of the time.


After three beers in, my body started feeling woozy. George is right, I thought to myself. I am a lightweight. I decide to end the party for me there. “Hey, guys” I say to the other two, who are wasted beyond imagination. “If you guys remember anything I’m going to say right now, It’s that I’m going outside to wait by my car and sober up. By then I’ll come back and drive us to my place”.


I then exit the bar, and walk to the parking lot. I check the time on my phone. 10:30 PM. I let out a light chuckle and mumble “Yeah, this world ain’t ending today”. And almost like I jinxed the day, the entire town starts to shake, and huge gusts of wind start blowing. The rumbles and the wind start to pick up. Lighting starts to strike from a few meters away. All I could think was Holy s***, I gotta get the others. I run back to the bar to look for my friends. They weren’t there. My mind was upside down. How the f*** did those two bastards manage to disappear all of a sudden while they were high and off their asses!? I had no time to waste. I ran back to the parking lot, got in my car and drove home. Hopefully those guys would turn up somewhere along the way.

 

Unfortunately, they didn’t, for I had already reached my neighborhood. People were evacuating from their homes, and cars were honking as if they tried to make a song but everyone had different sheet music. I drove through lawns, ran over bushes, and got flipped off by a child who trying to cross the street. The distraction of that little kid’s middle finger was enough for me to slam right into a another car. I had no time to deal with with road rage, so I just got out and sprinted. I had finally reached my driveway. I took a few seconds to stop and breathe. As I filled my lungs with enough air, I took a step forward to only be rendered unconscious by a bolt of lightning hitting the ground only a few feet away from me.


And that’s what brings us to the beginning of this story. As I finish reminiscing I heard a familiar voice yell “David!?” I turn to see my friend in the distance. “George!?”
“Holy s***, Dave! You’re alive!”


“You too man! Thank God!” I look at George. His eyes bloodshot and clothes ruined just like mine. I then notice his lower body to see a small bulge in his trousers. “George… you might want to try hiding that morning wood”.
“Oh no man, don’t worry. I’ve had this for a while”.


“A while!?”


“Yeah. When the world started ending, Matt and I left the bar to find you. But before that, some homeless guy walked up to us and handed us these pills. Since we were still wasted as hell, we decided to take them. Turns out it was just Viagra and nothing else”.


“You’re an idiot, George”.


“Hey, there is a plus to this. My heart rate has never been better! But I’m pretty sure I need to contact my local doctor. I think I’ve had this for more than 4 hours”.
“If you’re local doctor is still alive, that is”.


All of a sudden, a large bearded man wearing nothing but his underwear exited from the rubble of my house. Without even saying a word he just looks at us and leaves. I turn to George and ask: “Is that the homeless guy who gave you Viagra?” With regret in his voice he responds: “Yeah… that was… that was him”.


“Who knows?” I added. “Maybe Matt’s in there too. Let’s check it out”. We walk into the rubble to, of course, find Matt sitting down on a demolished couch. He was also wearing only his underwear, and hanging his head in shame.


“Did I just sleep with a homeless guy?” He says. George and I give no answer. Matt raises his head to us. “Oh God, I thought I was sleeping with George”.


“Why would you think I would sleep with you!?” George yells.


“I don’t know, man! We were both wasted, okay!? Besides, I’d rather have it be you, than some homeless guy!” He starts to tear up. I look at George who still seems a bit ticked off. I look back at Matt who’s on the verge of sobbing. I kneel down, put my hand on Matt’s shoulder and say: “Happy birthday, Matt”.




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