A Modest Proposal - A Satirical Solution for Illegal Immigration

November 11, 2016



It is a melancholy object to Americans in today’s society whenever the toxic topic of immigration is brought up in the average conversation. The most dangerous type of  all to  mention is illegal immigration, a phenomenon that involves crowds, mobs, and droves of poor, distraught, and impoverished people entering our “safe haven” from  troubled areas such as the Middle East, Latin America, and Asia. The amount of people admitted into our nation is continuing unchecked, and if it remains unchecked, the resulting cultural storm approaching our unique nation will very soon turn us from the “American melting pot” into a poorly-mixed multilingual and multicultural jambalaya, which will destroy our national identity, warp our laws and government, cause our economy to crumble even further from its already not-so-impressive state, and even unbalance the world as the United States ceases to exist as a defender of the innocent and an “arsenal of democracy”.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the life-threatening occurrence of illegal  immigration at its constant and ruinous rate has become far too much for us to bear, and  furthermore whoever can dare to dream of a solution to both please the nations of the world and secure our identity as a true American nation deserves the chance to become President of the United States, for a person who can run a nation like that should.

But my intention is far from being confined to provide only for the betterment of Americans across the nation; it is more alike to a compromise that will be accepted by, and pleasing to, every and all nations. Plus, America will be given the chance to recover from the cultural influx of newcomers and secure our unique identity.

As to my own part, I have studied the proposals  of other projectors,  and concluded that they are not nearly as efficient as they claim to be. These “solutions”, including the use of diplomatic talks or even revising the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), have not come close to fruition or even have been accepted or proposed to our superiors in Washington. Even if they did, these will not be accepted by everyone, which is necessary to fix this gigantic mess that we have gotten ourselves into by keeping quiet. If things remain constant over the next few years, I predict that English as the most widely used language in America will become second to Spanish, Arabic, or even Chinese, not to mention the religious, political, and cultural  consequences that would arise from these complications. I therefore humbly propose  that instead of stemming the immigration flow into our country, we “dry up the river at its source”, or eliminate the potential of this problem entirely.

I will now present my own idea, which I hope will not be subject to any disagreement.

I humbly offer it up  to public consideration  that humankind as a cohesive and cooperative unit, should erase any bit of worry from our minds and let ourselves be at ease by completely closing off our borders to immigration and helpfully and kindly directing the immigrants to other parts of the globe.

In this scenario, we will completely cut off our nation from immigration completely and utterly, stepping up programs like the Minuteman Project and other border security forces to ensure that our isolation from these people is not violated. To encourage this rapid change from the accepted norm, propaganda will be created and drilled into our population,  not unlike what occurred in the Soviet Union, and conscription for these forces will be introduced and enforced to keep our supply of manpower strong. An increase of armed forces training, deployment, and equipment manufacturing will of course be required as well.

Of course, this will no doubt begin a  cultural revolution and revivalist movement in America,  which will attempt to assimilate the foreign cultures already in the United States. This will most definitely be met with stubborn resistance - after all, it’s great to be different.  But again, drawing on ideas from other oppressive regimes in the past, people will learn through relocation, reeducation, or if it absolutely MUST be done, torture, to embrace, accept, and appreciate the power and happiness of living the American dream. Meanwhile, other nations needing manpower or labor will happily accept the influx of immigrants.

These drastic and sudden changes will also of course be met with very stubborn resistance initially, but as time marches on and people slowly come to say “yes” to change,  the effort put in will be far worth it. America will truly harbor only one unified, powerful, influential, and happy culture, which will be followed and obeyed by all living in its borders.

I can think of no valid objection that may be introduced to antagonize this proposal, unless the United Nations or the world as a whole steps in to intervene in our “remaking”, since they themselves will maybe not want the refugees either, or simply do not have the space or accommodations for them, or even loathe what we are doing. This is only a  short-term concern, however, as once the deal is set in stone our people will unify as we have never seen before since the Revolutionary War, beginning an era of American prosperity, innovation, and exploration into space if we get that far soon enough.

Again, no one should dare to suggest these notions to me until they have a small spark of hope that these actions may be implemented.

It is not that I do not respect the input of others on the subject of solutions to this topic, but simply that this is my life’s work, dream, and hope in the potential making   here, and I am one hundred percent certain that this is the best, if not only solution, to the mental pest plaguing our thoughts and political agendas called illegal immigration.

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