A Satirical Solution for Gun Violence

November 11, 2016



It is a melancholy object to those who inhabit this planet or encounter it briefly in search of communities that are home to the gunless and peaceful, when they see the increasing murder and homicide rates caused by guns. This uncontrolled phenomenon can become even worse than it already is today. I can predict that if guns do not have more restrictions by 2020, one in every five Americans will be killed by guns. All of America will experience a sudden population decrease.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the life-threatening occurrence of unstable people acquiring guns is very real and in fact it is happening right now as this is being read. I also think that whoever could find a solution to end all gun violence should have 24-7 bodyguards armed to the teeth and a fully functional tank.

But my intention is far from being confined to provide only for the betterment of your paranoid neighbors; it is of a much more socially pleasing extent, and shall allow for our society to know only peace and friendship.

As to my own part, I have studied the proposals of other projectors, and concluded that they are not nearly as efficient as they claim to be. The expansions of background checks and increased funds for mental health research would not solve the still-growing gun violence as quickly as my solution. You might ask yourself, “would no gun violence mean no guns at all?”

I will now present my own idea, which I hope will not be subject to any disagreement.

I humbly offer it to public consideration that humankind as a cohesive and cooperative unit, should collect all guns, whether you own them or not, head to either the east or west coast, and pile all the guns up onto a boat. Then that boat will be sent to the deepest parts of the Pacific Ocean or Atlantic Ocean via sinking, similar to what happened to the Titanic. No guns equals an end to all violence.

In this scenario, all of America will be defenseless, but do not fret! For we have our allies Great Britain, Canada, and Europe who will surely defend us from all invaders. In fact, while we are at it, let’s disarm all of America’s nukes and missile defence systems, tanks (except for the person who obtained one for coming up with this solution), military planes, and our entire Naval force.

Of course, if our allies failed to defend us from foreigners, we would have to give in to all of the demands of our enemy, but I have a rational, thought out conclusion to repel the invaders from America. We get rid of all of our natural resources so the enemy will think that invading the U.S. would be a waste of time and energy and I don’t mean we hide our resources, I mean get rid of it all. Once the enemy invaders leave America, then our allies will have to support us even more than what they already are.

These drastic and sudden changes will be difficult for society to accept, but I’m sure we will succumb to it and adapt. The people must think of the forthcoming times! A society without guns will bring glorious futures for our next generation of children.

I can think of no valid objection that may be introduced to antagonize this proposal unless it should be claimed that just getting rid of guns would not end all violence and that there are still leading factors to death other than by guns, such as knives, cars, and bombs. By eliminating the sole cause of death, we take out 99.99999% of our problems! People will start to realize that once all guns are taken away because they killed to many people, the people will stop using knives, cars, and bombs to kill people because they do not want those to be taken away from them as guns were.

Again, no one should dare to suggest these notions to me until they have a small spark of hope that these actions may be implemented.

It is not that I do not respect the input of others on the subject of solutions to this topic, but simply that I have spent six millennia researching solutions to a 110% peaceful country and I have an associates degree in sociology. This is the only solution to gun violence because it can and WILL be done swiftly without any trouble. 

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