January 23, 2009
By Erin Hannigan, Arnold, MD

I’ve been questioning this all my life- where do socks disappear to? Have you ever wondered why, in your freshly cleaned laundry, your missing one- only ONE- sock? The pile of socks to be found ends up looking like Mt. Everest, the only thing missing is the snow! Snow; that would be perfect! Because you see, no matter what, you’ll never find those missing socks. They’re forever lost. So why not have your missing sock collection resemble something? Add a little detergent- why not?

But then again- what’s up with this… this… mystery? Will we, owners of blue, whitish, grey, brown and even polka-dotted socks, become yet another excessive buyer? Will we try and warm our feet every day of the week, with new or mix-matched socks? This mystery must be sought out! There is no giving in to deeds so horrid and hair-raising that will take away the sanity of everyday life. NO MORE SHALL WE PONDER! Today is the day- we will get to the bottom of this. Even if our theories are “outrageous,” “insane,” or even down right “lame,” the fate of all feet, ugly- or uglier- will be decided today. Its warmth- or the frigid truth of a barbarian lifestyle!

To begin, I personally have a few “theories” that could lead with our verdict. You see, grandmothers can tend to get a little crazy with presents on holidays- they always lean with buying “useful” things for us; one main thing being socks. Another possibility falls under the actual use of socks. For a person- or thing- with one or more feet, a pair of socks is not so useful. But a septuplet socks- now that’s useful; and where better not to get them than the worm hole that’s conveniently placed in everyone’s dryer?

Now I know those two theories were plausible, but there’s also the whole “evilness” of siblings that we need to take into account. It’s not evil enough to spit in one’s food or to shove a spider in their face; but to steal the only thing that keeps their feet warm and protects them from painful blisters is down right demonic. Also, you have to take in the concept of flying monkeys. How they get into your house in the first place, I don’t know; but I do know they like socks and only take one out of the pair this gets them in the “in” crowd. You see, flying monkeys like to be different. That’s why they fly while others don’t.

I could go on with various other “ideas,” but frankly, we wouldn’t have the time to go over each and every one. There’s the problem of man-power as well. I hope you don’t expect that while coming up with ideas, were just going to sit and talk about them.
We must venture out and research! There’s the possibility of black holes or worm holes that we need to know the details of. Then there’s the facts we need to look up on sibling rivalry, when it happens, how it happens; you know… it wouldn’t hurt to bring in a brother or sister from somewhere… Anyways, we must look into these theories even more!

Let’s being with grandmothers; as I said before, grandmothers are in the constant need of gift ideas. They think the best thing to do it buy socks. As children, we have to act the best around our elders, and if putting on a fake smile and a gratefully thanking them pleases them, then so be it, we’ll say it ‘till they go! But the problem arises when, through their mild Alzheimer’s, they have an episode of a distant memory from last year- where they remember giving you polka-dotted yellow and green toe socks, you supposedly “always wanted.” Now they want to give you another pair of socks, but first they must act as if you never received the previous pair in the first place.

As the little old ladies make their way down stairs, they spot the socks! But while reaching down to grab your once worn, never again to be seen socks- they forget what exactly they were going to attempt. Instead of taking both, they take only one sock and walk away. Either way, mission accomplished.

The solution to our problems is simple; go into their “cookie jar” and take your socks back every holiday. Its hard work, but remember, elders are to be respected. Telling them would just ruin their “perfect” reputation.

Next, there is the “alien” or “monster”- what ever you want to call it- receiving one sock from every other load. The worm hole or black hole, depending on which channel the dryer and washer is on, can only take so many socks at a time; and being connected to more than one human clothing cleaning machine, it can only take one sock at a time.

Moving along, the thing really dose need to warm their feet, and by stealing from the human world, their mission for a life of happiness is pretty much complete. Now, stealing is a thing no one really likes and it doesn’t make a good judgment of character either. So why the aliens do this is unknown to us; but we need to stop it and I think I have the perfect way- hand wash your socks! If that’s too hard, then add some detergent, your Mt. Everest will look nice on your mantel.

Do you have siblings? If you don’t then you’re a lucky one; see, my next theory is these little devils. Siblings are pure evil at its finest. They like to get back at you for something you have done to them, or for just being jealous. So when your socks go missing- you know what happened!

What brothers or sisters do is sneak down stairs, or wherever your laundry room is, and simply take one sock. “One sock?” you might ask, “Why only one?” Well, I’ll tell you… They know what will happen if they take only one, you’ll freak! You will cry and huddle up in the corner- begging for forgiveness! (Well… so they hope.) Their fantasy screams out in their mind, and they only wait for the moment when you scream out of sanity, “WHAT HAPPENED?!?!”

Up until now, siblings have believed they’ll get away with these ideas for the rest of your life; but what they don’t know is that they won’t. In order to protect our feet and get those… those evil beings back you must attack their inner happiness! Take their favorite toy from long ago, it must be something that they are absolutely devoted to. When you have it in your possession… DUCK-TAPE IT TO THE CELING! Write a ransom note with letters from magazines and place it on their door step. Before you know it, your feet will be happily warm, with not only your newly found socks, but the feeling of hands rubbing your now perfectly pedicure feet.

My final theory might seem…”odd,” but it is a possibility, flying monkeys. I don’t know how they get into your house; I’ve never actually seen them before, but they do get in! The flying monkeys come when no one is around. They snatch one sock and rampage through your home, leaving monkey mud all over the place, or so I suppose. They enjoy the merriment of a soft fuzzy, newly cleaned sock on their one foot. And ride on your dog- no matter how small or big he might be.

The little buggers accomplished yet another theft and they can successfully say they have more socks for their collection. The flying monkeys stay until they hear a car door slam shut or the front door unlock. Just before you enter your home, they snap their fingers and disappear, leaving your dogs to blame for the mess.

Now, I do not have a completely solid and affective plan for getting ride of these creatures; but I do think we can get rid of them. What happens is we get a life size cardboard cut of the Wicked Witch of the West. For any flying monkey who has seen the Wizard of Oz, getting ride of them will be nothing; but for those who haven’t, just the stories of her will send them running. It is very possible that after three to five days, these winged monkeys will discover our plan, and notice the wizard hasn’t exactly been moving. That’s why you must stay on top of transferring her. She must never be in the same position for over a week! This way, the monkeys will never steal another sock from you house for the rest of their life.

In the end, these plans might seem a bit absurd, but they are all very plausible. Now, we have the actual discussion part out of the way, its time we take action! Remember, NO MORE SHALL WE PONDER! We will not have our collection of lonely socks become Mt. Everest! The places they once sat will be the Grand Canyon after were done with it! It will be nothing but awe!

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This article has 1 comment.

on Feb. 25 2009 at 8:47 pm
AWESOME!! I absolutely LOVE it!


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