One early May morning, Albert Tung woke up and swore loudly, realizing that he was more than two hours late for school. Sadly, the day worsened from then on out. After he tried to sleep in chemistry, Mr. Wilson smacked him with a remote to wake him up. Unfortunately, an explosion from a failed lab procedure scared the teacher, which caused him to whack his Albert’s face really hard.  Instead of studying during lunch, Albert had to hide in the bathroom to prevent anyone from seeing the purplish bruise that was rapidly expanding across his cheek. While silently mourning for his math grade, Albert realized that he couldn’t even calculate the width of his injury.
During the exam, he gasped, “WHAT THE HECK IS AN INTEGRAL? ARE THE DIRECTIONS WRITTEN IN ENGLISH?!” Justin Chang, whom everyone deemed a god,  started convulsing with laughter. Initially, Albert forced himself to ignore his screeching giggles as he racked his brains, trying to figure out how to add and subtract again. While doing so, he angrily thought, Why the hell is that inconsiderate, annoying bast*** such a beast? He’s acing all of his classes, can rap as well as Jay-Z, and gets all the hot girls. Eventually, Justin realized that there were only thirty minutes left and tried to stop laughing, in an attempt to actually start the test. However, that failed miserably when he noted the extent of Albert’s panic. Instead, Justin laughed even harder as he fell out of his chair, rolling around on the floor as he did so. While gasping for air in between convulsions, his giggling became more and more high-pitched. Albert then screamed, “SHUT UP, JUSTIN BIEBER! I am failing calculus and your girlish laughing really isn’t helping!”
Hearing the commotion, Mr. Jefferson shouted, “Boys—what is going on?” shocking both. After all, old “Bernie,” as he was nicknamed, usually napped or listened to god-knows-what during exams. Ignoring Justin, he turned to Albert and said, “Sir, I would like to see you after class.” After scribbling “C” to every question and turning in his test, Albert walked up to Mr. Jefferson’s desk. “Excuse me, young man. What did you call your classmate?” his teacher demanded.
“I called him Justin Bieber, sir,” Albert replied with a straight face.
“HOW DARE YOU INSULT SUCH A FINE YOUNG MAN?!” Mr. Jefferson screamed.
“I’m extremely sorry, sir. I meant no disrespect to Justin Chang.” Albert whispered.
“I MEANT JUSTIN BIEBER! MY CUTE LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER LOVES HIM, AND I DO TOO! HOW DARE YOU?!” bellowed Mr. Jefferson, growing redder by the minute. Then, the radio started broadcasting Justin Bieber’s first hit,“Baby,” saving him.
“I KNOW YOU LOVE ME; I KNOW YOU CARE; JUST SHOUT WHENEVER, AND I’LL BE THERE,” Mr. Jefferson sang as the windows shattered. Bernie then started snapping his fingers and grooving along on the wrong beats. What did I do to deserve this, Albert thought, rolling into a ball to prevent himself from going blind and deaf. Eventually, Bernie stopped convulsing and said, “Sorry, Albert. That song reminds me of the 1840’s, when I was sexier and desperate, just like him! Anyways, you were talking, so I have to assume that you were cheating.”Albert opened his mouth in protest and shut it, realizing that that his college aspirations were over.
When he got home, Albert locked himself in the closet and cried. “It’s not fair,” he gasped. “I’m going to go to Harbor City College and Justin’s going to Harvard. I’ll always be mediocre,” he sobbed. Eventually, Albert fell asleep amidst his misery. Later, his dad, Bob, woke him up by kicking a hole in the closet door. As he stumbled out, Albert saw him screaming--holding his foot and spinning in circles as he unleashed a string of Chinese swear words. As Albert stared at his dad awkwardly and tried not to laugh, the phone rang. Bob tried to answer, but he was so distracted by his life-threatening foot injury that he dropped the handset, setting it on speakerphone.
“IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND I’D NEVER LET YOU GO, I COULD TAKE YOU PLACES YOU’D NEVER BEEN BEFORE,” an old man sang horribly.
“Who is this?!” demanded Bob, covering his ears in desperation. “Look, I’m not interested in a relationship. I’ve been happily married to my lovely wife for ten years now.” In the background, Nancy sighed. He’s always off by at least three years, she thought.
“Mr. Tung, your son is in my fifth period math class.” said Mr. Jefferson. “He violated the Academic Honesty Policy by talking during an exam. Thus, your son will be given a cheating referral—” Before he could finish, Bob hung up and threw the phone across the room. “Albert Edward Tung, GET UP HERE!” he screamed. As he started up the stairs, Albert mentally drafted his last will and testament.
Nancy, hearing the commotion, ran upstairs. “What’s going on, Bob?” she demanded. “Oh, and by the way, we’ve been married for thirteen years, sweetie. Not ten,” she simpered.
“Goddamit, Nancy, you clearly can’t subtract. Your son must have inherited your math ability, because he needed to cheat in calculus!” Bob spat. Noticing her bewildered look, her husband said, “Well, Albert, why don’t you tell us what happened?”
“Mom, Dad, it’s so unfair. Mr. Jefferson let Justin laugh and distract everyone during a test. I was just trying to concentrate, so I yelled at him—and I get a referral.”
“Do you realize that no colleges will accept you now?!” Bob screamed. Amidst his tirade, the family’s dog, Gordita, ran into a trashcan and began munching on the fly- infested apple cores that fell out. “DO YOU SEE THAT, ALBERT?” screamed Bob, gesturing frantically towards Gordita. “THAT’S WHAT YOUR DINNERS WILL BE IN THREE YEARS!”
“And that will be your house,” Nancy chimed in, gesturing to the run-down, grafittied doghouse outside.
“Stop it, Mom and Dad. I already know I’m a failure,” retorted Albert in a quivering voice.
Nancy’s milky brown eyes held no sympathy. “Well, you should feel like one! Do you know what I learned from Cathy Chang today?” she demanded. “Stanford and Harvard are fighting to recruit Justin for D-1 swimming, and he was nominated to research for NASA. I felt so ashamed. Justin’s amazing—and you’re nothing but a dirty cheater, Albert. The only research program you’re going to participate in is one about juvenile delinquency. Oh, and no colleges will ever fight over you. You’ll be arguing with them to get in, especially with that referral.” Nancy then walked upstairs cursing the Buddha, asking what she had done to deserve such a son.
After her rant, Justin’s superiority was even more apparent to Albert.  In addition to beating Albert on the next three math tests, Justin and his date, Angela Smith, were crowned prince and princess at the Prom Court rally. Albert wanted to cry. He had been rejected by all five girls he asked, and Justin was taking the hottest junior to the dance. To top that off, when Albert tried to enter the house, Nancy shooed him outside with a fly swatter. “I don’t want to see you ever again! You embarrass me at work every day!” she screamed.  As Albert strolled outside, desperately needing Gordita’s love, he noticed that his dog was licking puppies’ faces. When they tried to escape, she barked affectionately at both Carlos and Julio, chasing them down as she did so. Albert was completely ignored and disintegrated into tears. “No one cares about mediocrities,” he sobbed.
Then, Nancy walked outside and interrupted her son’s breakdown. “Your father and I have graciously allowed you to stay inside to study for calculus. If you don’t score higher than Justin tomorrow, you will face my wrath,” threatened Nancy as she shook a chopstick in his face. Later, after hours of studying, Albert looked up at the heavens and their shooting stars, wishing that he lived there--a world in which inferiority and depression didn’t exist. No matter how hard I study, Justin will beat me. He’s perfect at everything, whereas I exist solely to be second-rate. Albert thought. Utterly broken, he scampered downstairs in a daze and cracked open the front door.
“Where the hell are you going, Albert?” demanded Nancy. He didn’t reply. With a whimper, he burst through the crack, fell on his knees, got up, and stumbled on stiff, benumbed legs across the shadowy yard, crying heartily by the time he reached the veranda. Noticing the state her son was in, Nancy followed him. “Why did you run outside? Is someone or something trying to attack you upstairs?” she asked.
“Yes. Something’s attacking my sanity and self-esteem,” said Albert, tears running down his face.
“Clearly, you are,” replied Nancy sarcastically. “Who runs outside screaming at 12 A.M. in the morning? And you still haven’t answered me—why did you do that?!”
“I’m a stupid, ugly excuse for a human being, so no one loves me. I was hoping Gordita would give me some kisses,” said Albert amongst sobs. Disgusted by what a sissy her son was, Nancy turned around and walked back inside, not even bothering to invite him back into the house. After crying and crazily ranting about being a failure, Albert fell asleep, dreading tomorrow’s calculus exam.
Three months later, Mr. Jefferson finished grading that exam after his wife smashed his I-Pod. No longer distracted by Justin Bieber’s sexy drawl, Bernie finally took out his red pen and slashed his students’ GPA’s. As his waddled around the room passing back the exams, Albert’s heart beat a mile a minute when he saw his Bernie making his way over to him. After he finally got the courage to peek at his score, Albert screamed when he saw the large 98 scrawled at the top. Justin, however, was on the floor again. This time, he was crying not with laughter, but with shame and embarrassment. Having spent the night before the exam with cute chicks at the local pub, he had taken the exam utterly hungover, puking into a trashcan while tackling derivatives—and failing, evidenced by his 32%.
The walk home that day was the happiest one in a long time. Because he beat the calculus god by such a wide margin, he no longer felt like a failure. Suddenly, something dawned upon him. Justin wasn’t a god at all—no true deity would ever fail a test so miserably, even if they spent the night prior partying and hitting on girls. Hard work and intense cramming had gotten him there, just as it had helped Albert. A slow smile spread across his face as Albert realized that he and Justin were equally intelligent.
When he got home, his mother greeted him with, “How was school today, hun?” for the first time in seven years. Albert stared in response, wondering what had gotten into her. She took no notice at his bewildered expression and blabbered on. “I’m so happy!” said Nancy as she wrapped him in a suffocating bear hug. “When Cathy Chang checked her son’s grades at work, she cried! Justin failed his math test!” After dancing around the house and kissing the family’s Buddha statue over and over, she looked at Albert. “Sweetheart, when I compared you to Justin, I never wanted to hurt you. I just didn’t want you to be a hobo, sitting in a pile of Chinatown alley trash while angrily banging on a fly-infested trash can, cussing the world out.”
“I’m glad to hear that you want the best for me, Mom,” Albert replied with a fake smile. As he went to feed his dog, Gordita and Julio were chasing after a ball, enjoying each other’s company. Although she ignored him again, Albert only chuckled, pleased that his dog had found another boyfriend—although a vastly younger one. “I’m worth it,” he said to himself.  “Other people care about me.”