January 13, 2009
By Shawnee Griffin, Hartland, WI

Zombies! Yes, people, zombies are running rampant through the streets of Milwaukee. They are the product of a clandestine government experiment gone awry. We must fight them to the death!

The first zombies were used as a method to rid our streets of road-kill. The zombies devoured the carcasses and the problem was solved. The project was running smoothly until one day, a foreman was being cruel to the eaters. He was frustrated because he was on probation at his day job, his wife was threatening to leave and his children hated him. He didn’t mean to take his pain out on the zombie. The creature he was assigned to did not want to eat and the foreman was pushed over the line. He tasered the zombie, and the zombie took a chunk out of the foreman’s arm. At the smell of blood, the other zombies swarmed and found that human flesh was ten times as delicious as dead animals. And now they feast.
Zombies are without ethics and will kill you for their dinner. They are the reason crime has grown exponentially. The population of zombies is accumulating because only one bite from these flagrant monsters will turn any human into one. They don’t even close their mouths for fear of missing out on new prey. Within three years, it is predicted that Milwaukee is going to be the first zombie- populated city.

My message for you today is this: Get guns! We must stop the culprits of death! The time has come to build an anti-zombie army! The crime rate is skyrocketing and the only means of bringing it down is to create a duress and stop the creatures. I have spoken to our mayor, and he concurs. In fact, he has the U.S. Army shipping weapons for you to use. These guns are free of charge as long as you swear to shoot as many zombies as you can.
Help us bring the crime in Milwaukee to an end! Make sure to pick up free artillery at your local Wal-Mart. Remember folks, once in the head and the zombie is dead.

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