Letter to Uranus

January 12, 2009
Friday, October 10, 2008
The Big Green Chief Alien on Uranus
Jake G. (the Earth kid you have contacted 1,765,981 times in the last 31 days)
Subject: Please stop annoying me

Is it really necessary to cause such excruciating stress to one child on a remote planet? I realize there are few activities to participate in on Uranus, but I would appreciate it if you would respite bothering me for several weeks. I can’t handle it. There are many other things in my life that cause stress, such as:
Waking up each morning
30 minutes of Pre-Calculus homework each weeknight
60 minutes of AP Physics homework each weeknight
Working 4 hours every weeknight
Caring for my shattered-heeled father
Memorizing chemistry ions
Writing poorly prompted vocabulary quizzes
Making dinner
Practicing Madden 09 to beat my brother
Keeping my cell phone charged (it has a bad battery thanks to you! Did you think I wouldn’t know who the 20 prank calls a night were coming from?)

As you can see Big Green Chief Alien, I can not handle the stress your people give me. I am kindly asking that you harbinger to the rest of the aliens on Uranus to stop bothering me. I ask that all contact stops in the next 24 hours, or else I will succumb to the voices in my head and become malignant to your people. I will take the laser sound gun I stole from the Mars aliens and shoot Uranus aliens causing the fretful sound of opera music to reverberate in their brains, in turn making their heads explode and making pieces of their brains lie ubiquitously on the ground. I hope this warning will thwart the stress caused by the little green men from Uranus.

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