Once upon a time, there were two restaurants, McDonald’s and Burger King, restaurants so obscure and bewildering, that no mortal has ever consumed a burger there. Our story takes place in Houston, Texas, a humid climate that suited the manager of Burger King, Hades (Pluto) very well. Burger King was known for its inanimate staff and indigestible meals, for Hade’s guard dog, Cerberus, who made sure that no customer who passed through the black doors was still among the living, for its isolation, surrounded by the Acheron, Cocytus, Phlegethon, and Lethe Rivers, for the Sirens that occupied the rivers and who swayed strong men to their deaths with their heart-warming songs and undeniable beauty, and for its onerous assistant managers, Rhadamanthus, Minos, and Aeacus who seemed to stare at all of the inhabitants in a judging manner. As manager, Hades was very menacing and whenever he came near a customer, the temperature rose by about 100 degrees. Although on the outside Hades may have seemed like a tyrant with a hot temper who controlled all the business aspects of Burger King, on the inside he was a boss who cared for his customers and would wait every six months for the love of his life, Persephone (Proserpine), the goddess of spring growth. Persephone use to only eat at McDonald’s, but one day while playing outside with nymphs, maidens who lived in the woods and helped protect nature, Hades kidnapped Persephone, and forced her into Burger King. Persephone’s mother, Demeter (Ceres), goddess of the harvest, heard what had happened and journeyed into Burger King to save her beloved daughter.
While Demeter was looking for Persephone, the manager of McDonald’s, Zeus (Jupiter), was hiring attractive cashiers to help support his restaurant. Zeus was a pervert and made his employees wear lascivious clothing. Zeus also had a temper not unlike his brother Hades that seemed to electrify the surrounding area. Zeus’s employees were all very different in character. On any given day you could find Dionysus (Bacchus), a burger flipper who was always under the influence, his satyrs (fauns) who were half man half horse who were very rowdy and spent most of their time perusing nymphs, Apollo, a host who always lit up the room with his winsome smile and unique guitar riffs, Echo, a waitress who repeated whatever the customer wanted to eat with perfection, and Narcissus, a handsome young busboy who rejected Echo’s love and was often found in the bathroom staring at himself in the mirror for long periods of time. Now Zeus was often demanding when it came to employees, he only hired those who he knew beforehand. This usually meant someone who he had seduced outside of his marriage. That day’s new employees were Leda and Europa. Leda had mothered two children by Zeus, Helen of Troy and Castor and Pollux; she often wore a duck necklace for some odd reason. Europa had been kidnapped by Zeus in the form of a bull and took her off far away where he could father more children without his wife, Hera’s (Juno) knowledge. Leda and Europa were in need of some money and decided to work for Zeus so they could see him more.
Meanwhile, back at Burger King, Persephone was locked up in Hades' bedroom, located, oddly enough, in the freezer. She was beginning to show signs of extreme hunger so Hades had his repulsive looking cook Hephaestus (Vulcan) craft a five piece chicken nugget meal. To his dismay, like every other food that he cooked, Hephaestus burned the chicken nuggets. The nuggets were also misshapen because instead of cutting the pieces with a knife, he used his hammer to mash them into bite sized pieces. Hephaestus then put the nuggets into a box and ordered one of his obedient Cyclops servers, Polyphemus, to bring it to Hades. Serving food was difficult for Polyphemus because he was blind, and for some reason the abusive giant squirmed in disgust whenever he heard the word “nobody.” After about ten minutes of searching for his manager, Polyphemus located Hades and delivered the box. Hades took a look at the burnt nuggets and wondered why Hephaestus couldn’t cook at lower temperatures. Then again, he thought, it was only Burger King.
Back at McDonald’s Hera walked into the restaurant, much to Zeus’s surprise. The powerful goddess looked furious. Following her was a giant kaleidoscopic peacock that looked just as angry as its owner.  Zeus quickly told Leda and Europa to hide in the closet. Hera glanced around quickly to see if there were any new employees. Seeing none, she went up to Zeus and questioned why he allowed his servers to wear such indecent apparel. Zeus was caught; he couldn’t come up with a logical answer. Suddenly, there was a loud crash and the whole side of the McDonald’s came crashing down. Out of the rubble appeared Poseidon (Neptune) and Hermes (Mercury). “I told you I should have driven,” said Hermes. “I know, I know, I just wanted to see what it feels like,” replied Poseidon. “What in Cronos’s name are you doing?” shouted Zeus angrily. Lightning sparks were flashing from his eyes. “Well,” replied Poseidon with confidence, “we brought you the product you have been asking for.” Zeus did not look pleased. “Well, you could have parked the vehicle outside, you idiot!”“Well Zeus, we wanted to show you our new vehicle,” replied Hermes. The vehicle was very large and on each side had different pictures; on the right side was a picture of Hermes’s kerykeion, and on the right was a picture of Poseidon’s trident. “We call it, the Surfer,” stated Hermes with a smile. “Well, show me the product,” sighed Zeus. Hermes went to the back and brought out a box of fresh patties. “Hmm, let me have a taste,” said Zeus. He took a bite out of the patty and his eyes went from frustration to pure disgust.
            The closet that held Leda and Europa was much larger and brighter lit than expected. It contained all the delicious buns used for the hamburgers. “What are we going to do?” said Leda in a fearful tone. “Who, who’s there,” replied an unfamiliar voice.  Leda and Europa looked where the voice had come from. It took a few minutes for their eyes to adjust but they found a couple sitting together. “Who are you?” asked Europa. “My name is Eros (Cupid) and this is Psyche.” replied the stranger. “The kind Zeus has granted us a place to stay after he made Psyche immortal a few days ago.” “Congratulations,” replied Europa. “My mother Aphrodite (Venus) was very opposed to our love for one another so she forced my wife Psyche to accomplish 3 impossible feats.” said Eros. “I was able to complete two but then Eros went to Zeus and begged him to do something about it. He then gave me the gift of immortality and we've been happy ever since.” voiced Psyche. “Aphrodite is very jealous of Psyche’s beauty but eventually she will accept us.” said Eros. “It’s very odd that the goddess of love would be opposed to such a beautiful couple,” stated Europa. “Thank you,” replied Psyche. “I am wearing a dove bracelet in hopes to please Aphrodite further.”
            While the closet remained a great place for conversation, upstairs, tension was building. “These are fish patties you ludicrous fool; I wanted burger meat from Argentina!” thundered Zeus. “Well they taste delicious.” retorted Poseidon. Just then, a noise came from the back of the truck and out of the truck came a Pegasus followed slowly by Ares (Mars), the god of war, who war rubbing his head. The Pegasus was a beautiful winged horse that was the result of a relationship between Medusa and Poseidon. Ares looked very pleased; he had been very bored since the Trojan War had ended and needed a new entertaining conflict to pass the long days. Strapped to his belt was his spear which he was not afraid to use should danger arose. At that moment, the three virgin goddesses, Hestia (Vesta), Athena (Minerva), and Artemis (Diana) walked into the door. They were in need of chicken wraps to help feed a group of abandoned puppies. Hestia was the goddess of the hearth. She brought warmth to the room that seemed to ease the tension between the gods almost immediately. The fireplace inside of the restaurant began to burn much brighter as well. As the goddess of reason, Athena could see that there was a problem between the gods that needed to be resolved. Her symbol, the olive branch could be seen on the front of her armored chest plate. Artemis was the goddess of the hunt and wild animals. She was also the sister of Apollo who greeted her near the entrance of the restaurant. “Why do you have to show up to spoil all of the fun?” bickered Ares. “We are in need of some food for desperate puppies,” replied Athena. “Well,” Poseidon stated, “we can clear this turmoil very quickly. I will give you all of my fish patties to feed the puppies and I will pay Zeus for all the trouble that I have caused.” “No one cares about puppies.” screamed Ares. To his delight, Artemis drew her bow and pointed an arrow right at the head of Ares. Artemis, seeing Ares' trick, lowered her weapon and accepted Poseidon’s offer. Hera looked very happy with this, she always loved extra money. Noticing this, Zeus sheathed his thunderbolt that no one had noticed before and accepted the offer as well. Strife at McDonald’s had finally subsided, and harmony, such as it was, restored. Hera walked out of the restaurant with a cheer that hadn’t been felt in years; this allowed Leda and Europa to return to their first day of work. All the other gods and goddesses decided to have lunch there to celebrate the peaceful negotiation.  An  Olympus of French fries!
            The exact opposite was taking place at Burger King. Hades brought Persephone the five chicken nuggets and she scarped them down quickly. After the last bite, her hunger was satisfied, but she was appalled by the horrendous taste of the burnt nuggets. Not realizing what she had done, she was surprised when Hades began to celebrate in victory. “Why are you so happy?” she questioned. “You’ll find out soon enough,” Hades said with a devious smile. At that moment, Demeter rushed in along with the Fates (Parcaes) the Muses, and a few Amazons. “What have you done to my daughter?” shrieked Demeter. “Only bind her to live with me for six months out of the year” smirked Hades. Demeter looked upon her companions for help. The Amazons were a group of powerful mortal women who often were able to thwart the power of the gods, but they were unable to help Demeter in this situation because they had just finished conquering parts of Asia Minor and were very tired. The Muses were simply there to play encouraging music throughout the long journey that Demeter had to take, and the Fates came along to predict the fate of Persephone in case anything went wrong. “Please, tell me its not true,” Demeter said to the Fates. The Fates looked at Demeter with pity and the leader of the group responded in a sorrowful manner, “It is true.” Demeter cried in disgust. From then on, Persephone traveled to Burger King and lived there for 6 months. While she was at Burger King, the outside world experienced the winter and fall seasons. So it shall be until the end of the Age of Burgers. The only question that remains, Dear Reader, is this; what if she hadn’t eaten those disgusting chicken nuggets?