To The Editor:
Re: “The Love That Dare Not Bare Its Fangs”

I’m, like, highly upset with all the articles in your newspaper that bash Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. As a die-hard fan of four months, I feel that the writers of the New York Times are just, like, a wee bit jealous. It’s the only logical reason I can see for them to write such blasphemy and hate-riddled columns. And who can blame them? After all, Steph’s gotta fan base of, like, a million gazillion trillion tweens on the brink of puberty. And this is just in the tri-state area. How many of your seasoned, dentured writers can say that, huh?!?

Anywho, I saw the movie on the morning of its debut. (My school kept leaving angry messages on my phone about how much school I skipped, but mall sightings and youtubing interviews of the cast sooooooo take the cake over calculus and college advisement.) I can’t lie; the movie kinda sucked. But not because of the acting (OME* did you see RPattz snarl? Sexy!), but because soooooo much was left out! I mean, like, how dare Catherine Hardwicke cut out the turning points of the book like Bella’s 4th trip to the bathroom and Edward’s 23rd crooked smile? Cutting key parts in the book is so not cool. She even added scenes that weren’t even in the book! Everyone knows that Bella and Edward neverrrrr went on a biology class trip. It’s only common knowledge. I bet she did it just to save time. Compromising one hundred and twelve pages of jaw-dropping, mind boggling, not-stopping-to-read-this-even-if-I-have-to-use-the-bathroom epic-ness into 3 minutes of chit-chat is, like, unheard of. I’m paying twelve bucks to view the fruit of Meyer’s labors and the director makes poor decisions like these?!?!?! Who does she think she is? The head of production? Who in Edward Cullen’s name hired her????!!?!?! If anything, your reviewers shoulda wrote about this! They totally disregarded it!!!!!! And you claim to report ALL the news fit to print. What a shame.

And before you publish my letter, I have to say to all the girls out there so that it’s publicly known: back off. Edward is mine. Sure, in your own deluded minds you might have thought he belonged to, like, Bella, or something, maybe even you, but you’re wrong. He even said so when I met him for the 6th time at Roosevelt Fields mall. I had just finished taking the can of soda he was drinking (he likes grape!!!!) and was going in for his shirt when he said (and I quote) “You’re gonna be mine-d.” Or maybe he said “fined”…..Nah, he wouldn’t say that. He’s a vampire after all, and what vampire can resist willing blood? That’s right Edward! If you’re reading this, this is an open invitation to bite me! C’mon! I don’t mind! I’ll tattoo the marks to make an easier target!!!!

That’s all. Thank you for taking time out of roasting the genius that Meyer built to review my letter. I hope you have a firm talk with your staff on this dire matter.
~~Anonymous

*OME -- Oh My Edward