Picture

I saw that picture today; the picture I left up in order to remind myself what the old you used to be like. Most of the time that certain picture fades into the wall of pictures, merely a blur amongst the faces, colors, and memories. Today, though, it did not. Today that picture stood out, as if it were a bolded word in an advertisement. That is when I began to remember. I remembered how good of a listener you use to be, how you could always make me laugh. I remember the silly fights we got in, the stupid jokes that were told, and the serious conversations that were had. Most of all I remember how secure I felt when I was with you. I knew that I could tell you anything and it would never be repeated. I knew that I could trust you to listen to all of what I had to say and to never judge me. You were one of my best friends at the time and I remembered hoping that no matter what, we’d always be that way. Well, I was wrong.

The summer months came and went and with that, things changed, things I was not ready for. I found out that you had betrayed my confidence to your ex, telling her things that were meant for your ears only. It was then that I knew that this year would be very different from the last. For a year after that summer I would walk on pins and needles around you, as though I was the one doing something wrong, when you were the one pushing everyone else away. Less and less we would see each other. I would find out things about you from people I did not know very well and I know that you did not know either. It was a huge blow to hear that you did not come to talk to me and tell me these things yourself. Eventually we became nothing more than two people lost amongst the blur of life. I had lost a best friend and a confidant. I remember being so angry with you for pushing me away like you did, as though I had not been anyone very important in your life. I felt like I had gone from being one of the number one priorities in your life to the trash you took out the next day. I wanted to scream, yell, and cry. Did you not see how much you were hurting me? Or did you just not care anymore?

I was not only me that was left behind. You abandoned a whole group of friends who, as you admitted to me one day when we were catching up, were no longer “cool” enough to be part of your new crowd. I thought you were the type of person who would always stand up for their friends no matter if they did not fit in with your others. You were swayed, and I was disappointed. No longer would we be as close as we were before and our conversations would just be meaningless words to fill up an awkward silence that had accumulated since our last small talk. Eventually those words would fade into nothingness and it was like we never even knew each other, purposely looking the other way if we saw one another on the street or in the store.

That year led to mass confusion running through my mind. I did not know what I had done wrong or what I could do to make things better. You use to say it takes two people to talk, but I tried, you just wouldn’t listen to me anymore. I was so thankful for my best friend, who put up with all my chatter about you. And she taught me one of the most important lessons in life there is, the concept of letting go. At the very beginning of that year she told me that letting go isn’t about being mad, running away, or not trying. Letting go is about being grown up enough to admit there is nothing else you can do and moving on.

So that year, I began to apply that motto to my life, to anything and everything concerning you. I began to learn that people change, for better or the worse, and you cannot keep someone from doing so. I learned and began to not blame myself for not being friends with you anymore, because it had nothing to do with me but that does not mean it did not sting a little when I thought of you.

It would be a whole year after that before we would actually acknowledge each other again because the hurt and pride on each side would get in the way. I remember thinking that I needed to get over this, get over you. And I did. That whole year of silence lent itself as a means of getting over you, though I would never admit it to you. You are cocky enough already. But I have come to accept the fact that there is nothing I can do to change the past and what happened. I like to think that you were there for me and left because it was all part of one grand scheme of life, serendipity, you use to say. I like to think that this experience has taught and shaped me to be a better person, to learn that things never usually turn out the way you plan, and learned just because it is easier to hate than to forgive does not mean you should do so. I look back on those memories with you with a feeling of fondness rather than one of downheartedness. I looked at the picture today; the picture I left up in order to remind myself what the old you use to be like and I smiled.





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