Two Thumbs Down

December 10, 2008
By Cathleen Lowe, Fayetteville, AR

Now everyone thinks superpowers are suppose to be ah-mazing! Well newsflash, they are not! Okay, well at least mine aren’t. Oh how I yearn to be able to fly or pick up huge things, yet all I can do is make my thumbs really big! Yah so now your thinking, oh well that could be useful for something, right? Another newsflash; its not! I’ve tried to think of ways big thumbs could help with something, but nothing comes to mind! Right now you’re probably thinking that I am being unreasonable and all depressed and stuff. Well I am but that’s beside the point. Big thumbs don’t do anything and you know it too. Just think about it. Now you should see that I am absolutely and completely right.

I discovered my powers last March. I got really mad and was all making a fist when suddenly my thumbs all swelled up! Well see I ran home thinking I finally got some super powers after praying for some for years now. When I finally got home and into the back yard, safe from suspicious eyes, I tried to test many things to see if anything else were to change. Well you know what, nothing did and that just made my thumbs swelled up again because I was so mad that I didn’t have anymore superpowers.

Now I guess I should just be thankful for having “super powers”, but you know its kind of, hard to like them when they are so pathetic! My mommy tries to cheer me up but it just doesn’t work. I’ve tried cutting my thumbs off, grating them with a cheese grater off, and sewing meat onto my thumbs and having Reptar, my dog, attack them.
I tried having my friend roll over my thumbs with his Hummer, and this time they actually came off, but my thumbs freakishly, painfully, annoyingly, and humiliating grew back five minutes later.

Why do I hate my thumbs so much you ask? Well, let me tell you. Have you ever showed one of your friends your thumbs on the sidewalk, then to see a three car pile up happen. Then to find out that the first driver was distracted by your thumb, then later know that six people died four of them being children. That’s what I thought you haven’t. I felt so bad that I tried to commit suicide, but my mom would have none of that. She then checked me into a rehab hospital, and you know what they told me there after they had heard about the whole cheese grater, knife, dog, and Hummer incidents? They told me I was crazy, and told my mom that I need to be in an insane asylum. So now I am sitting here in my room/cell with Crazy Bob brainstorming ideas about how he can dig a hole to China, hence the name Crazy Bob.

The asylum isn’t that bad it’s just the fact that I spent all of my life hoping for super powers to then finally get them, then to have them cause you so much trouble that you end up in an asylum. Now I finally understand the saying “Be careful for what you ask for”. I asked for super powers. Got them! Then went crazy over not wanting them. Sometimes I wonder why God gave them to me and why this would be my fate once I got them. I have finally come to a conclusion though with Crazy Bob’s help. I hit my sister when I was little and she would have been Mary, like the mother of baby Jesus, except she was ugly after I hit her, so God has been trying to get me back ever since. Sounds plausible right? I knew it did!

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