Monsters are not fun to have around the house. They terrify young children, eat your pets, and make a lot of noise at night. It seems like they will never go away, and they won't, unless you do something about them. With a few household items, you can be monster free.
One monster that seems to cause a lot of trouble is the one under the bed. These monsters are especially terrifying to young children. Feeding on ankles, socks, and occasionally, small pets, they can be a huge problem. Fortunately, they are easily destroyed. During the day, while the monster is asleep, call together the dust bunnies of your house. They will be cooperative, because they don't like this monster any more than you do. It takes up their living space. When you call them together, equip them with deadly dust carrots, purchased at your local Dust Army Supplier Store. Then send the dust bunnies on their mission. They will do a very good job, but will most likely demand a huge reward. Just get out your vacuum and vacuum them up. That will solve that problem very quickly. If that seems like too much work, you can also destroy the monster under the bed by shining a flashlight in its eyes. This is much easier, but a lot scarier.
Another monster that causes a lot of problems is the Boogieman. He lives in the closet and is infamous for "getting" people. Actually, he steals people out of their beds at night and brings them to Closetland, the land behind your closet. There, the Boogieman makes you watch telethons for all of eternity. Destroying the Boogieman is not easy. It sounds easy, but it's not. First you shake up a can of Pepsi. No other soda will do. Then, quickly open the door of the closet and spray the Pepsi all over the Boogieman. This sounds very simple, but it is quite hard to do when you are nervous. If you do it wrong, you are doomed to watch telethons forever. You should practice before attempting to destroy the Boogieman.
The last monster that causes widespread panic is the Loch Ness Monster. They live in pools, so if you don't have a pool, you don't have to worry. If you do have a pool, be very careful. Loch Ness Monsters enjoy dining on swimmers. They are very easy to get rid of, unlike the Boogieman. All you have to do is put a frog in your pool. The Loch Ness Monster will jump out very quickly because they are extremely afraid of frogs. Have a cage ready to catch the monster in when it jumps out. Then, put the cage in a crate, and send it off to Scotland. They have a lake just for Loch Ness Monsters there. After that your only problem will be getting the frog out of the pool.
Monster removal is quite simple if you know how. You do not have to live in fear of monsters anymore. Just follow these easy instructions and your monster problems will be solved. 1
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.