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Fat This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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   Dear God, help me. I learned in church that to treat our bodies like we wouldtreat your temple. Forgive me for making myself sick. You of all people shouldunderstand. I'd be normal if you had made me thin, instead of fat. Why did youhave to give me such wide hips? I'm so fat. What guy wants his girlfriend to looklike me, a beast? If you truly loved me, you'd help me get thin. I'll do whateverit takes. I'd rather die than continue to be so fat.

Jimmy will be here intwenty minutes. Where's my stupid toothbrush? I'll use lots of toothpaste andmouthwash so I won't taste like throw-up when Jimmy kisses me. Why do my eyesalways have to water and make my mascara run when I stick my finger down mythroat? I still feel like there's food in my stomach from yesterday. I can feelthe calories. I'll do three hundred more sit-ups. One ... two ... three ...four ... God, I'm dizzy. 12 ... If I can just do these sit-ups, today I willhave done 1,300 in all. Tomorrow, I do 2,000 sit-ups and run two miles. I won'teat anything for the next two weeks ... 59 ... 60 ... 61 ... that way, I'llbe really skinny and all the popular guys will think I'm really pretty. 122 ...123 ... I should take another one of those diet 172 ... 173 ... 0h no! Jimmy'searly! Now I'm gonna gain weight because I can't do sit-ups when he'shere!

"Hi, Jimmy."

"Hi, Adrienne. You look reallynice."

"No I don't. I look fat."

"Adrienne,you're like, the skinniest person I know. How many times do I have to tell youthat? Everyone always tells you that you're too skinny. Anyway, I hope you'rehungry because we have reservations for Charlies."

"I justate." God, did you plan this? I don't want to eat again because then I'llhave to throw up. I don't feel like vomiting, or wiping my mascara. I don't wantto wipe any throw-up that may splatter on my new sweater,either.

"Why can't we just stay home, or go to a movie orsomething?"

"Because I'm starved. What's the matter withyou?"

"First of all, you know I hate eating out, and second, Ihave a stomachache." I'm just gonna sit on the couch and refuse to look athim. Men are so insensitive. I feel like dumping Jimmy. He like, lied to me andsaid I was thin. How idiotic can he get? My stomach really does hurt. God'sprobably punishing me for not taking proper care of my body.

"Jimmy,maybe you should just go home."

"Why? Don't you want to spendtime with me? Are you mad? What is it? Do you not love meanymore?"

"Of course I love you, Jimmy. It's just ... I don'tfeel like eating, that's all." Dear God, please don't let Jimmy kiss me. Iprobably still taste like throw-up. Oh God, why do you hate me? Can't youdistract him?

"I missed kissing you all day."

"Jimmy, what are we doing tonight?"

"Do you haveanything to eat here?"

"Well, I can try to make yousomething."

"Anything edible sounds good."

Guys areso lucky. They can eat anything they want and not gain a pound. It's not fair.Jimmy is thin, but built. I'm the twin of the fat lady in thecircus.

"Never mind, forget the food. Let's just stay here andsnuggle."

"Jimmy, I told you I have a stomach ache."

"Well, let me rub it."

"No. You just want tosqueeze my love handles."

"What lovehandles?"

"Jimmy, don't laugh at me! You know I'mfat!"

God, why can't guys understand that when you say you don't feelwell, you don't want to be touched. If I was a guy, I'd understand. Jimmy knows Ihate it when he touches my stomach. He always ends up fondling my fat rolls. Sowhy does he continue to do it when he knows it bothers me?

"I haveto go to the bathroom."

Yes, finally. The laxatives are kicking in. Ijust hope I lose a ton of weight. I need another diet pill. I wonder if I canexercise while sitting on the toilet. I'll step on the scale to see how muchweight I've lost since this morning. Oh God! I've only lost one pound! If I canget rid of Jimmy, I can run up and down my stairs one hundred times. Is my wristgetting any thinner? Is my waist any leaner? I know, I'll just puke again. Don'tthink about the pain. Don't think about the pain. Just heave. Why is only liquidcoming up? This isn't working. What is that medicine that kids drink when theyswallow poison that helps them throw-up? Ipecac? I think we might have some. Hereit is. I'll just drink the whole bottle. It tastes awful! Just drink it. Justdrink it. It will help you get thinner.

"Are you okay inthere?"

"Um ... Yes. I'll be out soon. You should really gohome, Jimmy. I don't feel well."



"Should I call yourmother at work?"

"No. I just need torest."

"Okay. I feel terrible about leaving you here alone sosick."

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I just need a goodnight sleep."

"Okay. Whatever you say."

Why can'tJimmy just mind his own business. I'm seventeen and can take care of myself. I'lljust open the door and tell him to get out of my house.

"Jimmy ..."

"Here, let me help you to the couch."

"I'mnot crippled. Jimmy, I really appreciate your concern ... "

"Just relax. I'll call later to check on you."

"Okay.Good-bye."

Don't kiss me. I have vomit breath. Please don't kiss me.Why did you have to kiss me?

Thank God, he's finally gone. I'm so tiredand this couch is so comfortable. What's that in my fingernail? A piece of food.I hate food. What's the point of eating? To get fat? Oh, dear God! I feel sonauseous! Oh, my head is spinning! It's the Ipecac. Yes! I'm going to reallythrow up! Thank you, God! This tastes so terrible coming up, but at least it'sworking. Eew! I hate it when the vomit slams into the toilet so hard it splashesme in the face. That's so gross. Why is my vomit black? My heart is pounding sohard. I need to rest. I need Tylenol to cure my headache, and another diet pill.I need some more laxatives, too. I should weigh myself to see how much moreweight I've lost. Oh my God! I've only lost another pound! I'm so fat! Why is itso hard to get thin? I'll go run up and down my stairs. Is my wrist any thinner?Jimmy, I'll show you how beautiful I'll be when I'm thin. You'll be so proud tohave me as your girlfriend.

Running up and down these stairs is sotiresome. Surely I'm burning thousands of calories. Only ten more times to go!How does Claudia Shiffer stay so skinny? Maybe I should stop eating food and justlive off vitamins. I'm so tired and hot and my stomach is rumbling. Oh, good! Thelaxatives are working again!

I really need to rest. The world is spinning.My pulsating heartbeat and rapid breathing are so loud, I can't hear anythingelse. I need to sit. Is there anything on TV? Oh. A McDonald's commercial. Thosefries look so delicious ... and fattening. I'm hungry. I should take anotherdiet pill. God, are you anywhere close? I feel sick. Help me to feel better. Ihope you aren't mad at me for throwing up again. This is your fault, God. Youshould have made me beautiful and thin. I swear, I'd rather die than be fat. God,if I don't weigh 60 pounds or less by Tuesday, I'm going to kill myself.

Ihate my fat legs. Does that scale say 86 pounds? Five minutes ago, I weighed 85pounds! Oh my God! I'm gaining weight! Should I walk in front of traffic on thehighway? Should I shoot myself with Daddy's gun? No. I'd probably still be fat inHeaven. I'll just keep working until I'm thin.

I'm glad I'm crying. Cryingmakes you lose weight. I'm so very tired. My stomach and head ache so bad. Jimmydoesn't really love me, or he'd be here with me. No one could love a hideous,obese monster like me. I'll sit on the couch and cry myself to sleep. When I wakeup, I will do 3,000 sit-ups and run ten miles. I'll make myself throw-up untilthere's nothing left in my body. I'll do that and more for the rest of my life.Jimmy, you'll see. I'll never be fat again. I'll be thin . . . or dead.


This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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This article has 5 comments. Post your own now!

Hay_Wire This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 15, 2009 at 9:31 pm
well.. i dont know what to say. it was a good piece, had strong feelings. but i have to wonder if you are feeling them. i mean.. if you are, God help you, im so sorry.

but i am anorexic. and its not like that. it hurts but.. i dont know. i know i need to stop, im getting there, but...i cant say its like that. if its like this for you, im sorry, so so sorry.

over all, still a good piece.
 
Amanda said...
Aug. 15, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Its unbelievable just how many pieces focus on eds. If nothing else, remember that starving deprives the brain of glucose=limited academic/writing potential.
 
Danelle S. said...
Aug. 14, 2009 at 5:12 am
amazing. made me so sad.
 
LilJ<3 said...
Jul. 28, 2009 at 2:26 am
i believe you have really depicted what some teen girls face every day. Thank You. You are giving girls an inside look on how some think. There are so many girls harming themselves this way and i wish they really knew how beautiful they are. Great Job. Good luck in the rest of your writings.
 
Ashlaf4everThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm
I feel the same way, Awesome piece.
 
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