New Living Space

March 22, 2014
By LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”
- George Carlin

I wish you were here with me, Dad. You could continue teaching me how to play soccer; you could teach me how to play like David Beckham. It’s no fun playing on your own, but I am getting better! I don’t bump into people or animals or carts anymore…Well, maybe a little.
I miss you a lot. Mom told me you had to go away for a while. I asked her why, why you had to go. What else did you have to do besides being with us? You told us you would never want to be away from us for any reason. Why did you have to go away?
I’m still waiting for Mom’s answer.
I wonder what you would think of this new place. It’s very different from home. There are bars on the windows and there are beds in many of the rooms. There are a lot of other girls who live here and many men come in and see them. Some come in and see Mom too, and when they do, she always shoos me away. Maybe you know why they see Mom, too, Dad…
Mom’s been coughing a lot lately. She tries to hide it from me, but I sometimes see her papers with big red spots on it. I think Mom is sick.
Jeena misses you too, Dad! Sometimes, when Mom has to see those men, she cries. I try to comfort her as best I can, but some days, it doesn’t work. You could do it, Dad. I know you could.
I like to fly my kite in the evenings. It’s quiet then. It gets noisy inside so, it’s nice to go there. I like being away from the bars on the windows, the noise from inside, the kids who tease me, the Mumtaz who yells at everyone…
Dad... I hate it here.

The author's comments:
In my creative writing class, we just finished Patricia McCormick's novel "Sold" and our teacher gave us an assignment. We were asked to write an additional chapter in the novel from a particular character's point of view.

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This article has 2 comments.

on Mar. 29 2014 at 4:55 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”
- George Carlin

Thanks for the feedback! I see what you mean by lack of description in regards to the father, but it was tricky deciding how much emotion to put into the child when thinking of his father with knowing next to nothing about his past. I'm not even sure if he knew his father. It's supposed to be an additional chapter to a novel I read in school and I tried my best to make it work with what was already presented to me, but I'd definitely see how I could weave in what you've mentioned. Once again, thanks for the comment!

on Mar. 26 2014 at 8:46 pm
Carly_Elizabeth PLATINUM, Othello, Washington
39 articles 0 photos 131 comments

Favorite Quote:
"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
Roald Dahl

Wow this is riddled with hidden meanings I like it. Your sentence variation is praise worthy (that's always something that bugs me haha). And I love how the confusion of the narrator is so blatant, and also how the reader knows what the narrator means that men visit their mom, but the narrator doesn't. It's one of those things where you feel sorry for the narrator and you just want to take them out of the story and hug them haha. Well I'm guessing that this is from a child's point of view so the words should be inadvanced and simple, but I feel like.. I can't feel the narrators longing for their dad or their confusion about where they went. Not trying to be too forward but I feel that it's lacking description in a sense. And again, I know it's supposed to be just some child's thoughts, but it seems that the narrator just feels like 'eh my dad left but you know'. I don't know does that make sense? But yeah! Other than that I liked it a lot. I loved the suspense of not really knowing what's going on or what happened to their father or how the narrator and their mom ended up in that place. So yeah it's good, I like it and Keep Up The Great Work! :D


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