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the science of dr doppledanger shublunski

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, dr. doppledanger shblunsky, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abnormally worried, dr. doppledanger shblunsky backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved copycat mask was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, kitten. dr. doppledanger shblunsky had known kitten for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were curious ones. kitten was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... clueless. dr. doppledanger shblunsky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

kitten picked up to a very unhappy dr. doppledanger shblunsky. kitten calmly assured him that most venomous koalas grimace before mating, yet legless puppies usually explosively turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting dr. doppledanger shblunsky. Why was kitten trying to distract dr. doppledanger shblunsky? Because she had snuck out from dr. doppledanger shblunsky's with the copycat mask only four days prior. It was a flamboyant little copycat mask... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before dr. doppledanger shblunsky got back to the subject at hand: his copycat mask. kitten yawned. Relunctantly, kitten invited him over, assuring him they'd find the copycat mask. dr. doppledanger shblunsky grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, kitten realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the copycat mask and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if dr. doppledanger shblunsky took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, she had take at least three minutes before dr. doppledanger shblunsky would get there. But if he took the ewok? Then kitten would be excessively screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, kitten was interrupted by ten dimwitted mammoths that were lured by her copycat mask. kitten cringed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she deftly reached for her banana and randomly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the ewok rolling up. It was dr. doppledanger shblunsky.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, dr. doppledanger shblunsky was out of the ewok and went earnestly jaunting toward kitten's front door. Meanwhile inside, kitten was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the copycat mask into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her giraffe. kitten was angered but at least the copycat mask was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' kitten indiscriminately purred. With a mighty push, dr. doppledanger shblunsky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying self-righteous ass in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' kitten assured him. dr. doppledanger shblunsky took a seat hilariously close to where kitten had hidden the copycat mask. kitten yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But dr. doppledanger shblunsky was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, kitten noticed a insensitive look on dr. doppledanger shblunsky's face. dr. doppledanger shblunsky slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

kitten felt a stabbing pain in her scalp when dr. doppledanger shblunsky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the copycat mask right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on dr. doppledanger shblunsky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. dr. doppledanger shblunsky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before kitten could react, dr. doppledanger shblunsky deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The copycat mask was plainly in view.

dr. doppledanger shblunsky stared at kitten for what what must've been three minutes. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, kitten groped explosively in dr. doppledanger shblunsky's direction, clearly desperate. dr. doppledanger shblunsky grabbed the copycat mask and bolted for the door. It was locked. kitten let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, dr. doppledanger shblunsky,' she rebuked. kitten always had been a little funny-smelling, so dr. doppledanger shblunsky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before kitten did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at her or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his copycat mask tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

kitten looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from dr. doppledanger shblunsky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for dr. doppledanger shblunsky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. kitten walked over to the window and looked down. dr. doppledanger shblunsky was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, dr. doppledanger shblunsky was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind kitten's place. dr. doppledanger shblunsky had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral mammoths suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the copycat mask. One by one they latched on to dr. doppledanger shblunsky. Already weakened from his injury, dr. doppledanger shblunsky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of mammoths running off with his copycat mask.

But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored dr. doppledanger shblunsky's copycat mask. Feeling frustrated, God smote the mammoths for their injustice. Then He got in His hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle and blasted away with the fortitude of 153 legless puppies running from a huge pack of 3-legged wallabies. dr. doppledanger shblunsky shimmied with joy when he saw this. His copycat mask was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes his favorite TV show, dr who, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet weapon of mass destruction'). dr. doppledanger shblunsky was elated. And so, everyone except kitten and a few rusty razor blade-toting spotted wolf hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.




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