Breaking the Strings

January 16, 2014
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Drip, drip, drip. The dark red colour of blood trickled down my wrist onto the snow white tiled floor with a tiny splash. I set the knife on the sink’s edge and wiped away the remains of the blood on my wrist and floor. It was just like taking away those memories, those faults. I tiptoed from the bathroom into my bedroom and closed the door shut; making sure no one in the house would wake up. I sat on my bed and let a tear drop, thinking about what I just did. Even though by now it is a daily activity in life, the pain was still bothering my thoughts, choosing between positivity and negativity. Of course I chose the wiser choice, punishing myself for what I did. Because there is always a reason to why I get pushed around.
I looked at the time and it was 6:30 am. Not wanting to go to class, I got ready by taking a shower and changing into clean clothes and then slipping into some sneakers. The loud rock noise from my brother’s room danced into my ears causing a headache. All of this caused the vomiting in the bathroom and running into the living room. My mum said the vomiting was because I did not eat enough, I said that did not make sense. Standing in the middle of the living room, I picked up my backpack and threw it across my shoulders. The bright morning light shone onto the white carpet leaving me in the darkness, in no spotlight, just another shadow passing by. I jogged into the kitchen to get to the main entry when my mother blocked my way.
“Stop right there. Eat some breakfast, I’ve made eggs and bacon and some tea.” I looked at her with my sea green eyes and ran outside as mum continued, “At least say something!” I did not stop running until I knew I was far away from my family. I saw the school bus stop a block away but I was not going to catch it. I was going to walk to school peacefully, whether I was late or not, it did not make a difference anyhow.
The rest of the day passed by in a blur, as it was all familiar. It was built up by school work, getting called names, more school work, getting pushed to the floor, and being punched. During lunch period I made sure the bathroom was empty and locked myself up in there. I looked into the mirror and looking back was a face covered in bruises and wearing a split bloody lip. On the bright side I did not feel my bones crack, but I did feel three new bruises slowly growing by the top of my spine. I had to put a stop to this, as soon as possible.
I walked back to school in the pouring rain, thinking about how I arrived to this stage, where nothing mattered anymore, not even the beats of my heart and the counts of my breaths. I put up this war against myself, and I did not feel the need to fix it, even if there was no way to solve it. I could hear my mother’s words echo in my mind, life is way too short to spend another day at war with yourself. Like I did not know that, I tried my best to make people proud of who I am but I am sick and tired of people telling me who to be, because I won’t accept the fact of being someone else.
I unlocked the door to my house and walked into my room, luckily it was a Tuesday so no one would be home until eight in the evening. Not my mum, not my dad, not my brother. Today was the day my plan would work out, I wasn’t going to let it escape from me. I took the blade from the kitchen drawer and locked myself into the bathroom, turning the tap water on to fill up the bathtub. I took off my clothes and entered into the bathtub slowly holding the blade in my hand. I looked down at my scars, the signs that indicated who I truly was. Someone lonely and lost, in pain. The cold metal of the blade pierced my skin and made its way through veins, the blood flowing out, staining the water. Once was not going to help me succeed, so this process continued three more times until my body filled with lightness. I made myself sink deep into the red water, closing my eyes shut. I did not want to surge, I did not want to breathe. I cut those strings and I felt right.
Slowly everything was fading away, those memories, thoughts and lies. My consciousness slipped into the water, leaving my mind. My lungs got blocked and now were empty. I am made up of zeroes. Zero breaths and beats. I will always be someone nameless, unknown, and living in the dark. Only now I will probably smile, as the tears of my family bleed.

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