It was the day before Christmas. My little brother and I were sitting by the windowsill, watching the blizzard outside. We saw other boys playing in the snow, laughing and shoving and throwing snowballs at each other’s backs.


“John?” he asked me, rubbing the tip of his finger in circles on the window, “When’s Christmas coming?” He looked up at me through thick-rimmed glasses and glassy blue eyes.


“Well… It’s tomorrow, Artie. And how old are you now?”


“I have six!”


“Yeah, Artie, six! So I got you a big present this year.”


“Yay!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands together, his hazel eyes shining. “How big, John?” He spread his hands way out. “This big?”


“Hm…” I smiled and tipped my head to one side, “Maybe…”


“This big?”


“Maybe, I don’t know…”


“What about… this big!” he asked, opening his arms even wider.


“Maybe, maybe, I don’t know!”


“You’re silly John!”


“Yeah I guess I am,” I laughed. Artie opened his mouth and laughed hysterically, rolling on the floor. “You think I’m silly, hm!” I leapt forward and swung him up into the air, “What about now, huh?” Artie could barely nod his head, he was giggling so much. When he finally calmed down, I plopped him on the floor. He sat among the wreckage of teenage boys, dirty tee shirts, basketballs, tattered copies of 1984. At least he doesn’t realize, I thought to myself, how bad things are...



“John?”


“Mm hm?”


“John?”


“Yes, Artie?”


“When’s Mommy coming back?” Suddenly, I felt my stomach sink to the floor. Artie tugged on the sleeve of my sweater and asked again, “Where’s Mommy? When is she coming?”
Cautiously, I said, “Um… I dunno Artie. It could be a while.”
“But it’ll be soon, right? Mommy will be here soon because you said Christmas is tomorrow and Mommy’s never not here for Christmas.”
“I dunno Artie… It could be a while. We might never see her again.”
“Never?”
“Yeah, never.” I could see Artie weighing this claim in his mind. He squished his chin into his chubby palm and furrowed his brow. Then, all at once, he relaxed and laughed.
“Silly, brother! You’re wrong! Mommy will be back, and we’ll do the Christmas tree and everything!” Waving his hands around as if stringing lights, he laughed, “See? Like this!”
I couldn’t stand it. White hot rage swelled inside me. I clenched my hands into fists and gnashed my teeth. How could he be so stupid? She wasn’t here last year and she won’t be here tomorrow or the next day or the next! Why don’t you get it, Artie! Why can’t you understand! I swallowed my anger just long enough to tell him I needed some air as I burst out of the room, slamming the door behind me. And in jeans and a tee-shirt, I ran out into the winter.


I ran past the boys playing and the orphanage gates. Frost bit my nose and the wind scraped my ears. As I ran, a cloud of upturned snow trailed behind me, following me into the forest. Gasping for air, I slowed to a stop and bent forward, placing my hands on my knees. Then, carefully, I stood upright and closed my eyes, smelling the clean scent of pine and feeling my anger fade. I should probably find Artie’s present now, I thought It was horrible of me to get all mad like that… Why am I such an idiot.


I eased myself into a steady walk and began to search for the old oak tree. I’d hidden Artie’s present behind it. Except, it was nowhere to be found. As time passed, my panic heightened. I already told Artie. I already told him I had something for him and now I’ll have nothing. I’m the worst brother in the world. I ran, faster and faster. I looked behind everywhere, going deeper and deeper into the forest. It was as if the tree had disappeared completely. I have to find it. I have to.


My desperation blinded me, to the point where I almost didn’t notice that, all at once, it was spring. Delicate blades of grass poked out from under the now-thin snow and fresh water dripped off of the trees’ tight, green buds. Mother birds were calling to their babies and I saw a fawn peek out from behind a log, damp with melted snow. All at once, the world seemed fresh and new.


And, to my astonishment, the old oak tree suddenly came into view, innocently, as if it had been there the whole time. I ran to it and collapsed. The train set, now covered in shiny red and green wrapping paper, peeked out from behind the ancient tree. I sighed, letting relief wash over me, and picked it up. Thank god.


“Do you like it? I took the initiative and re-wrapped it for you.” A small girl stepped out from behind the oak tree. “I’m Cassie.” The spring sun spilled down her pale hair and sloping shoulders, a halo of golden light illuminating her delicate figure. She had blue-green, glassy eyes, so light that the color seemed to mix with the white. She almost reminded me of...


“Oh.. Um I’m..” I stammered, “This was so super nice of you, really. But I’m really sorry and I gotta go. My brother’s alone by himself and he’s all alone and I really gotta go.”


“He’ll be okay, I promise.” Cassie looked me in the eye, “ We need to talk, John."
"How do you know my name?!" I took a step back, "Who are you..."
"John, we need to talk."
"You don't understand, lady, I have to go."
"He’s okay, here." She pointed behind me, "Look."
I spun on my heel, still gritting my teeth, only to have my frustration washed away by astonishment, “Artie!”
There he was, sitting in the damp grass, horn-rimmed glasses and all. “John!” he ran upt
to me and grabbed my hand, “Hi, John!”
“No way...” I mumbled, “How? Did you do that?”
“I’ll tell you soon.”
“Seriously?” I raised my eyebrows. This girl was unbelievable. She just looked back and blinked. "Who are you, even?"
In a low, soft voice, she replied, “I’m your sister, John.”
“I… don’t have a sister.”
“Well,” Cassie kneeled down to Artie’s height, “it’s only natural you wouldn’t remember me. That was the beginning of the end, wasn’t it?”
“No…” Now I remembered. I did have a sister, or I was supposed to. My mother did have a miscarriage. Three years later, Artie was born. Dad left only a few months after.
"Listen." I stepped close. "I want you to answer me straight, okay? Where are we?”
"Why, we’re in Heaven, of course!” she said, as if one rolled out of bed and went to Heaven every morning. “Follow me.” She skipped ahead, her bare feet clapping against the sidewalk. I had literally no choice but to follow her. Artie clutched my hand, but didn’t ask any questions. Usually, he was full of them.
So, I slouched after her, balancing the present in my arms. As we walked, it grew became clear that the beauty held by the forest stretched beyond the pines. Millie led me into a strange town. The empty streets sparkled in the sunlight and were lined with rows of wildflowers and white birch trees. All of the stores were immaculately kept, each with window displays created with love and care, extremely delicate in every detail. One had at least a hundred tiny, handcut snowflakes cut from different papers of different colors and patterns, all hung from the ceiling with sewing thread over a miniature village scene. The smell of rain lingered in the misty air, but it was different than the feeling after Earth-rain. It was refreshing, clean, and left the skin soft and new.
Cassie led us to a park bench on a hill overlooking the town and patted the seat next to her. “Come, John. Heaven’s waking up”. She was right. As we sat down, people began to flood out into the street. They looked different, somehow. Not necessarily young, but youthful. Adults laughed and smiled and greeted each other when passing on the street. Children ran about, weaving in and out through the stream of adults, chasing each other and waving streamers and lollipops. Everyone was happy.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Cassie said, swinging her feet back and forth. “Genuine happiness. It’s not something you see all the time on Earth.”
“No offense, Cass, but how would you know? You were a stillborn.”
Still looking straight ahead, she replied, “You’re wrong. I wasn’t a stillborn. I was alive for one minute and forty six seconds. Then I died.” she turned to face me “When I entered the world, I was greeted by sadness and grief. Our mother must have sensed I would not make it. She was crying, fatigued, and alone. Dad wasn’t around much, even before he left, right?” It was true. My mother was crying and she was alone. I remembered being told not to look through the hospital room window, and doing so anyways. Instant regret washed over me the second I looked in. The way she looked, she could have been a thousand years old. She looked so worn and tired and gray, crying as she held her cold baby close.
“I guess that was the beginning of the end, as you put it.”
“Perhaps. In my view, it is.”
“...You sure don’t talk like a nine year old, Cassie.” she laughed at this, which helped lighten the mood. Artie smiled too, even though he didn’t know what was going on. He’d been quiet this whole trip, eerily so.
“Heaven makes you wiser and, in some aspects, older.” Cassie reached over and stroked Artie’s head of fuzzy brown hair. “That’s why Artie here has been so quiet. I’m guessing he’ll be like this when he’s older.”
“Mute?” I mused, half-joking.
“Pretty much”, she said, hopping off the bench, “I’m gonna to get us some breakfast. Be back in a skip!”
Did you mean it when you said he’d be silent for the rest of his life? I thought. It was hard to imagine the bubbly, energetic little brother I knew as a sobered adult. And what was he sobered by? I looked at my brother, who was staring straight into the sun, silent. What are you in for, Artie?
“Back!” chirped a small voice. It was Cassie, obviously. She sat right where she had before and tossed two breakfast sandwiches at me, “The smaller one’s for the little one.” I gave it to Artie who gave me a solemn “Thank you” in return.
“Hey, Cass..”

“Yeah?” she said as she took a bite of a truly enormous breakfast sandwich.

“Before, did you really say you’d be back in a skip?”

“What?”

“A skip? I bet no one’s said that for fifty years.”

“Ugh, shut up,” she said lightly, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. She continued to eat her sandwich, which was the size of a small chicken, and look off into the sun. “It’s nice.”

“What is?”

“How you can look into the sun and it doesn’t hurt your eyes.”


“Yeah…”

“That’s one thing that Heaven gives you. It lets you appreciate everything that’s beautiful. The little stuff, too.”

She was right. Before, I wouldn’t have noticed the way the street looked or the way the air felt on my skin. Not only was Heaven physically different than Earth, but I saw it differently, too.

“Cassie.. This is nice. Really. I mean I’m in Heaven… But I guess I don’t get why I’m here.”

“Oh, John.” Cassie laughed, finishing the last of her breakfast, “Isn’t it obvious?”

“What? What’s obvious?” Rolling her eyes, Cassie leapt off the bench and faced me, and spread her arms way out.

“Heaven’s one big party, and you’re invited!”

“What.” She took my hands and yanked me out of my seat. With surprising force, Cassie pushed me forward and almost knocking me down the hill.

“You could live here, John! With me!” I looked down to the village. Even from where I stood I could hear laughter and music and the gentle whooshing of fountains that had just sprung to life. It looked beautiful in the golden sunlight of day. And I was certain it would be beautiful every minute of every day forever and ever going forward.

“Why me? Why now? This doesn’t make sense..”

“Do you want me to explain?”

“Yes.”

“John..” She grabbed my shoulders and held my gaze in an intense stare, “You already know that Heaven is for the very, very good people on Earth when they die. What you don’t know is that it’s also a sanctuary for the suffering.”


“Suffering..?”

“You have led an extremely difficult life. Our father leaving. Our mother dying.”
“Yes, but-”
“Sh!” she raised her voice and quickened her pace, “Raising your little brother. I’m thinking my death took a toll on you, too. Now, you are penniless and alone on Earth. You have no family and no close friends because you were too busy being a parent to Artie. Now is your time to rest.”
“But-”
“Yes, it is true you’d be a risk because of your temper, but you’d even out. You’d have peace.” Her voice lowered, “Don’t you want peace?”
Peace. Why did Cassie always have to be right? It was true that my life had been a constant maelstrom of tumult, disorder, and chaos. It was true that I was didn’t have any family or friends or money. I was a true orphan, alone in every way.

Except one.
“No.” I said, taking Cassie’s hands off my shoulders. “I’m sorry, Cass.”
“What..?”
“Take Artie instead of me.”
“John, you know I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“He killed Mom.”
“That’s not true and you know it.”
“It was him that pushed her down the stairs. That’s how it happened, right?”
“No, that’s how it happened!”
“He killed someone!”
“NO!” I shouted, grabbing Cassie by the wrist. When I looked at the town, everyone had frozen and was staring at me. Shame cooled my anger and I let go. My back was arched, my hands were tight fists, and my face was still flushed. I must have looked mad. Then, I heard quiet footsteps behind me. I felt a tug on my sweater.
“Are you okay?” It was Artie. His blue eyes looked at me through thick-rimmed glasses, searching my face for the brother he knew.

“Cassie,” I said, “I was the one that pushed her down the stairs.”

“No..”

“I told everyone my brother did it. I thought I would go to jail. I was only twelve at the time. I didn’t know…” I shook my head, “Artie was only four, but he was big enough… It was a mistake, and I knew they wouldn’t punish him.”
It was a Sunday and my mother was cooking dinner. The sun was setting, and I could smell meat roasting and hear my mother chopping vegetables while the radio played some faded tune. Sunday was also when Dad called home, drunk. I heard the phone ring and prayed she wouldn’t pick up but she did. They started fighting, she kept telling him she didn’t love him anymore and to stop calling, to please stop calling. I put my headphones on and blared bad music to drown out my mother’s voice. I don’t remember exactly what happened next, but she was trying to take my headphones off and I was pushing her away and then all of a sudden she was falling down the stairs. Her head hit the wall. I ran to her, and tried screaming her name, but she was gone. She was dead.
Cassie’s face was pale, now, the rosiness drained from her skin. But she quickly collected herself. “You don’t belong here.”
“Artie does. He’s in for a life of suffering worse than mine, if he goes back to Earth. I don’t know what, exactly...”
“I can’t tell you.”

“I know.”

“And if we take your brother, you will never see or hear from him again. He won’t remember any of the darkness before this new life, including you.”

“But you’ll take him?” She nodded. I kneeled down to Artie’s height. “Hey, Artie.”

“John, what’s going on?”

“This doesn’t make a lot of sense to you right now, but I gotta go.”

“I’m coming with you!”

“No!” I snapped, but then drew back, seeing the frozen look on his face, “I mean… I’m just going for a little walk.”

“No, John, why? Don’t go!”

“I’m.. going to get your Christmas present!”

“...Really?”

“Yeah,” I leaned closer in the way one only does when telling a secret, “Guess what?”

“What?”

“I’m not supposed to do this but…” I said, looking around in mock wariness, “I’m going to tell you what your present is.”

“What is it!” he gasped, his eyes sparkling.

“It’s a train set.”

“How did you know I wanted that, John!” he shouted, jumping up and down, “Thank you thank you thank you!” I smiled, remembering the hundreds of times he mentioned a train set in the past week.

“Ok, so I just gotta go get it. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok… John?”

“Yeah?” Without saying another word, he wrapped me in a hug.

“You’re gonna get my present right?”

“Yes, Artie,” I laughed. For a moment, I forgot I was leaving for good, and not coming back. I looked at his face and took a picture of him in my mind. I wanted to remember him like this, happy, forever. I stood up and nodded to Cassie. She just blinked in return. I turned around and walked into the forest. I didn’t look back, but I could hear him telling Cassie about his new train set and how he had the best brother in the whole wide world. I kept walking until his voice faded away and I was alone in the woods. Peace settled over me like winter’s first snow. I knew my brother would be safe and happy forever, and his last memory related to my world was of his big brother going to get his Christmas present. I was, in his eyes, a perfect brother.