How to Retrieve a Candy Bar Stuck in the Lunchroom Vending Machine

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Ask for Assistance

1)
Find a maintenance worker who has possession of the key to the vending machine. They are located throughout the school and are especially easy to find in the cafeteria.
2)
Once you have located one, politely ask him or her to unlock the machine front in order to retrieve your chocolate.
3)
Thank them for their help and return to normal cafeteria activities.

Alternative Option:
If no lunchroom maintenance workers have access to the contents of the vending machines, kindly report the event to a food service employee, at which point she will be happy to refund your money.

The Logical Approach

Try Again
1)
Try putting money into the machine with the intent for it to release the candy bar, and drop the extra change into the coin return slot.

Take Action
1)
Make sure you have access to a small arm for this process. If you yourself are equipped with a larger arm, simply bully a freshman of smaller size into doing the job for you.
2)
Force the arm through the door located towards the bottom of the machine. Bend the arm upward at the elbow and proceed to slide your arm in as far up as possible (this may require getting down onto the floor, but what a small price to pay for that well deserved candy bar).


Use Force

Hit the Machine
1)
Begin by lightly hitting the machine on its front, in the area where the candy is stuck.
2)
If necessary, apply more force until the bar is dewedged from the metal coil holding it in the stuck position.
3)
If your candy is still not free, you should begin to smack the machine. Fell free to shout and make obnoxious noises and comments. The more enraged you become, the likely the machine is to give up your candy. Don’t worry about making a scene, in fact have a couple of people join your candy crusade. It is quite beneficial to have the machine covered on all possible sides.

Shake Vigorously
1)
Begin by shaking the machine gently from both sides.
2)
If the previous presents no results, rapidly move the machine back and forth. Shake vigorously.

Last Hope

If all of the previous options have failed, there is one last desperate attempt available, although frowned upon in public.

1)
Stare down the machine in an attempt to intimidate it (this may prove to be more effective when playing western showdown music and while wearing chaps).
2)
After establishing eye contact, slowly approach the machine. Verbally demand your candy bar from the machine. Allow a ten second response time.
3)
If the vending machine does not act according to your demands, serious action must be taken, in the form of a vending machine takedown.
4)
Administer the attack, and do not pull out until the bar is retrieved (this may require the tipping, smashing, breaking, or a number of other tactics of the vending machine).


Warning: You may be required to pay for any damages to the vending machine. Please act responsibly.


(The sanest option is to walk away; it’s just a candy bar.)





Join the Discussion

This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

nmercier said...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 7:23 am
I LOVE this piece. It is really amusing to read :D
 
Joy said...
Jan. 13, 2009 at 11:51 pm
This was a very amusing piece. Your sarcasm was witty and entralling.
 
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