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It doesn’t feel completely real yet, maybe it will tomorrow or the next day. Maybe it will finally hit me one night as I’m reaching for my phone to text you something stupid and I realize that I no longer can. Well I can but I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t but I might. I might but I’d regret it.
Like I’d regret a bullet to your heart. I don’t think I’ll ever stop putting your well-being over mine but I also need time. Maybe time will cure the tears and give me something new to believe in.
Because I’m having difficulty closing my eyes without seeing your face staring back. I’m having trouble thinking without remembering your lips on mine. This would all be easier if I could delete the memories, if I could forget what it felt like to love you. It’s not that I regret, because I don’t think I ever will; it’s just that this would be easier if I could say ‘damn you to hell’.
But these memories are some of the happiest I’ve ever had and I’m at a loss for what to do.
Sometimes I wonder what I’d be like if I had never met you, and I can say with near certainty that my life would have been infinitely sadder without you in it. I learned so much and the pain is my payment for enjoying my life.
Fate’s a b**** and if you don’t pay your dues she’ll take what’s most precious to you. Maybe I was too obvious with my love and maybe I just love to strong. I painted a target on my heart and handed out arrows like speeding tickets. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I got shot.
I handed you my heart and the string to control it, like a puppet on a stage and you didn’t know how to use it. I handed you the scissors and waited for them to be snipped one by one, releasing my heart into space.
It’s going to take a while, it might take forever. But I think I’ll be okay. It’s going to take a while. It might take a change of scenery, it might take me a decade.
But as long as I don’t regret it.
As long as I can keep on living and keep on surviving.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to see you without crying. That day is not today. That day is not tomorrow. That day will not be next week.
But that day will come and when it does, that chapter will be over.
So, hopefully, I have a thousand more chapters to go.
Port Pirie, ZZ