The War....

September 22, 2008
By Jacob Merrill, Boise, ID

“Attack!!!!” the Jonesians were at it again. The Smithian’s Tower of Doom, Doom, and More Doom was being attacked, by the Jonesians, yet again. “Fire ze marshmallows!” Commandant Frenchie screamed. “Fire da burgerz!!!!!” yelled Colonel Mustard, the attacking Jonesians’ leader. “Will ze defences hold, Commandant Frenchie?” the guards asked. “Dey better or we’re roast. Literally.” the Commandant replied.

“Attack da trenchez!!!” Colonel Mustard commanded. His soldiers complied happily. They were hungry for a fight. But to their surprise, there was no one to fight in the trenches. Just a lot of mud and slop. The soldiers were looking around, confused when all of a sudden, the sun blotted out. It was dark as night on the battlefield. The Smithian’s arrows were raining down in a lethal downpour. “Agggah!!!” the Jonesians screamed as they were rained upon. “Yes!!” the Smithians yelled. “We got them!!!”

But it wasn’t over yet. “Launch da chocolatez!!!” the Colonel ordered. Click.
Click click. The launchers were jammed! ‘Attack while we’ve got a chance!’ the commandant thought. But he didn’t have time to act because he was hit with globs of molten chocolate. The Jonesians had unjammed their launchers and fire on the tower. The Smithians countered by launching more marshmallows than had ever been used in battle. Eventually, both sides were buried under mountains of goo and fluff. It was then that both warlords realized that they were actually fighting with marshmallows, burgers, and chocolate. They also came to realize that war was not the answer to anything. The morale of the story is: never fight with marshmallows, burgers, or chocolate. Trust me; it’s a really bad idea.

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