She stands on the edge of the Jacobson’s Pier. Her toes teeter dangerously off the edge. She sways slightly, putting her arms out to catch herself from falling. “Ironic,” she thinks, “I already feel like I’m falling…” She wraps her arms around herself, and steps back, protecting herself from the possible fall. “I already feel like I’m falling…” her voice is lost in the splash of waves and the chatter of people on shore. She stares up at the heavens. Not a cloud in the sky. “Ironic.” She thinks. “It should be raining. It would be raining if this was a movie. But if this was a movie, he’d be coming…he’d have chosen me.” She can sense the peace and serenity of the people sprawled all over the beach. If she listens really hard, she can hear some kid chasing after a bucket that the tide took in. “Just let it be,” she thinks, “It’s just a bucket.” But she hears the kid’s anguished cries, and her mother come and bring the bucket to her. “Figures.” She thinks. She stares out to sea, imagining another person staring back across the Atlantic. Somebody who speaks a different language, lives a different life, but maybe someone who’s experienced what she’s experiencing. She closes her eyes. She pictures his face, perfect—too perfect. She can hear his laugh… “Amy. I love you. I choose you.” But he never said it. She pulls her thoughts away from him—it hurts too much, too much. She continues to hug herself, thinking maybe she can make up for what he took from her. Maybe she’s enough; maybe all she needs is herself… “No.” she realizes, suddenly. She pictures that person across the Atlantic and realizes she is not alone. That no one is ever alone. She turns away from the ocean and walks down the slippery pier, head up. Her eyes are puffy, her face tear streaked, her hair mussed. She unconsciously flattens her hair, but stops herself. Head held high, she thinks of that person, somewhere, anywhere, and heads to the car. She can’t hide from the world, she can’t lock herself away…As she pulls out of the parking lot, she pictures that little girl with her bucket and smiles.
September 10, 2008