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Fallen

By
“How many times do I have to beg?
Plead you to stay with me?”

He twirled his pen over and over, flipping it endlessly as his mind raged on with his thoughts. “I miss you...” He whispered as he coughed back a sob that threatened to rise amidst his cloud of thoughts, the rambling trains and the deathly mist. He’d been praying for so many nights, staying by her side, hoping she’d wake up from her comatose. He’d apologized, played her favorite songs, and even sang to her. But she still lay in that hospital bed, eyes ceasing to open, voice ceasing to break silence. He’d held her cold little hand in his, trying to warm it, to tell her he was still here, and would never leave her. She refused to listen, refused to obey, refuse to awaken to him.
He apologized for leaving her behind, so many times. He wished he could go back; go back a month ago, perhaps two. He’d even turn back time before he told her he’d loved her…just so nothing could happen to her free little soul. He was imagining her now; he was imagining himself holding her in his embrace, her rigid little body, weak in his arms. Long ago, oh, was it that long ago? When she had tilted her little head up, and overwhelmed him with her scent and whispered those angelic words, words that he wanted to hear again and again, and would never tire of. “I love you.” Simple, stupid, but he would take those words to his grave, and he’d always wanted to be with her ‘til then. He wanted her to stay with him, stay with him forever, for so long, even after death, where their bond would stay strong…in the everlasting eternity. So he kept on praying, kept on holding on to something he knew might not even give him the slightest reaction.
But he knew he was the only one left for her, and if he walked away from her now, her amount of breaths would decrease, her will for life…would fade into nothingness. Life had whirled so fast for him to notice, that time slipped right past him, and he no longer knew where he was, when he was, and who he was. So he no longer knew, when he thought about it, that perhaps…it was last night…or many nights ago, when it was made official…that her dearest mother…the one that she had tried to protect and guard for such a while…from her mindless father…the shield that had finally broken, and her mother was officially stated as insane and was incapable of taking care of Ramona. He’d do it for her; he’d do it for everyone. He would never let go. Her bastard of a father had not come to visit her…and for that he felt disappointed. His dark pen was still in his grasp, and he held onto it tightly and cursed it…cursed her family and cursed her life.

“Was it not only yesterday?
When your hand was in mine
And I thought
We had been walking into forever…

I promised I would marry you
Remember?

Please hold on…
Hold on…
For me?”


He’d been slipping letters, thoughts; poems, wishes, from himself and everyone under her pillow, so that she’d dream about them, and maybe finally learn to wake up. He could no longer fight his hand from fidgeting, trembling, because he was so frightened, scared by the thought she would die. It was just once, one time when she forgot to tell herself to stop bleeding, when she had cried and asked him so desperately to come over and greet her, or else she’d die on the bedroom floor of her house. He’d left school abruptly, avoiding glances from teachers, friends, and school monitors patrolling halls, and raced over to her, heart pounding and eyes wet. But she had already fallen unconscious, her blood still flowing freely from her hand. He’d had to break down the door…break down the door just to see her lifeless body clinging onto his promise, the bracelet…the charm bracelet.
He sighed heavily, and everything began to hurt as his bloodshot eyes scanned his journal, pages of hard work that took every ounce of spirit and life left in him. He could no longer sleep without waking up in the middle of the night, screaming, and throwing his blankets, his pillow to the ground and taking off every strip of clothing…because he had been sweating…cold sweat. It made him shiver and feel helpless as he climbed into a shower let it run, let it run as he stayed there for the whole night, and be woken up in the morning as his mother reprimanded him for wasting water and energy, it would cost much, she said, do you think we could afford this?! She continued to ramble and poke words at him, and then finally, glaring at him, she’d walk out of the room and throw a towel at him, telling him to put some damn clothes on.
Oh God… how much he’d give to see her eyes again. He made a mental list of all the things he’d promise to do if she’d awaken, and look at him fully in the face again and peck him on the cheeks and tell him it was a beautiful day…He never said it as he grinned to her, but the only thing that ever made any day beautiful…was only her. Exactly how the sun reflected into her eyes, deep rivers of wonder that pooled into generosity and something …just too hard to comprehend. He could have sworn he’d nearly drowned in them before.
His phone rang vibrantly as he knew it was time for another day. Another day he could go and see her. He finally cracked a smile, so thin, so harsh and cold, like hard ice on the ground, as the sun shined far away. It hurt; it hurt badly because he’d forgotten how, how to remember to grin. He took out his iPod as he plugged the earphones to his head, and ran out the door to his car.
“Heaven (9/11 Remix)” by “DJ Sammy”.
He loved that song, loved it to death, because it described every word, every emotion he felt when he thought about her bitterly, her asleep, like a princess of beauty, sworn to time and face never to grow old, only because her enchanted face was preserved by nothing… but time itself as it stopped turning for her...He grimaced.

“Wake up my sweet little princess
Time is running out”

He was singing now, out tune, out of line, out of song, out of mind. Heck, he wasn’t even singing anymore…he was chanting, words of praise, with everyday faith that nothing would happen to him on the road, and he’d make it safely to see her every single day. He missed her sweet smile as she embraced him in the cold…the warmth had melted him. He had felt like laying in the snow that time…lay in it and sunbathe…All the while if she was next to him…he knew everything would be alright, if she’d just stay by him.

“My perception of you will never change
Just come back home
If not for me…
For Us
For you”

He gasped as the wind crackled at him, noiselessly at first, and then whipping the noiselessness to uneasy rest. He kept driving as his mind flashed back and flashed forth, his imagination of his future, his reminiscent of the past, and his detestation of the present.

He had then gripped the phone tightly in his hand, clasping for her presence and his worst fears approached him. Don’t…leave me…he’d uttered in his mind, again and again so hard, he was afraid she’d climb in through his mind and be able to stretch her ear on his thoughts. “Hello…? Ramona…? Is that you?” Silly…of course he’d known it was her, all along as time whistled by and grains of sand fell along with scattered pieces of a broken hourglass. You might as well say…time…was failing them all. He knew how she was feeling, all this time, after all the torture, he hadn’t done a sufficient job of being a soul mate…it was never enough…never enough to heal her pain. He was sorry, but what could he do? What could he do to care for her wounds?
“Come over…right now…” She said in between gasps of air and sobs loud enough to reach the other end of the world…not in voice…in spirit. She was broken, and he felt it hard to try and mend. How stupid…foolish…idiotic…oafish…he must have been to let that thought slip by and give up his role as her hero…and let her fall down heights of happiness. He was speechless…and he tried to instantly grab for words to console her…make her feel better…let her know he felt sorry…but it was too late…too far.
“Jakob…Ian…Peterson…Are you still there listening to my poor excuse of a living creature?! … You don’t have to bother anymore…You don’t have to bother worrying about me anymore…” And he knew she was crying again. He kept trying to start his sentences…then stopping…only succeeding in making himself seem like a mute boy…a mute boy who was only learning to speak. How pathetic.

He flashed back into his current state, as he nearly ran a red light. He stomped on the break pedal as a pedestrian gave him the finger and stalked off with a glare in her eye…Now…now it was “Someday We’ll Know”. No…it wasn’t on his iPod…he heard it playing in his head. He left in a trance…he kept driving out of impulse…but without the interest he once felt in it. He was reminded…he was told of when he told her he loved driving.

“Please
Don’t
Haunt
Me

Anymore…

I can’t take it…
With tears streaming out of
This wretched spirit
And twisted
Knives
Stabbed neatly
Into my heart

They’re all for you my, dear
They’re
All
For
You

Please
Return to me
And heal this
Broken heart
Without use
For life.”

Somebody honked in the distance. And so he woke up again…and picked up his pace and drove quickly…He was there…he was parked right in front of the hospital…so afraid to walk in…and see her shattered soul…lying in a heap in the corner of the room…as her body lay in a restless sleep…that refused to let her move…Once he had shook her…so hard…and told her to wake up…The heart monitor beeped rapidly… “So…you can hear me.” He’d walked out…afraid of the monster he’d become…Scared he would kill her himself…

He’d agreed in an almost…silent tone. He’d slumped in the hallway…knowing that his excuse to step out of class was insanely stupid…He’d sat down and played with his fingers, possessed…Then He finally realized…and then run so fast that day…it took him his life to measure up to that speed…Because everything might shatter if he didn’t. He wasn’t thinking when he got into the car…He was like a wisp of thin air vanishing slowly…Because the only thing that ever mattered to him…might just leave him. He prayed in his car …prayed that the Lord would let her go…free her from the grasp of all wrong. He flew through gravity. As his soul left dimension and left emotion behind in a dark bin…piece…by piece.
There was no traffic though…he remembered clearly…it was as if the rest of the world…was too concerned with themselves…to remember the outside world of technology they’d left behind. “F*** IT!” Nothing would help now…she was dying…she was dying…
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! He’d finally arrived. Marked his place right in front of her house…He fumbled for a key and quickly turned it in the knob…nearly breaking it. He’d ran up the stairs…nearly breaking the creaky bastards. And then he tried her door…relieved as he thought he could save her. But the door was locked…Hope…had fallen unconscious. He felt it slipping through his grasp…he tried to hold on…

My shooting star…
Have you forgotten about me?
The sky seems so empty now…
Without you to guide my dreams
Up and away
Into the light of the dark

You were the symbol of promise
But you failed me so many times
Then
Why do I still believe?


“I cry; my tears unseen
I scream; my cries unheard
I fidget, yet my body
Refuses
Does not move.

I yearn to be in your embrace
My mind holding fast
I can not go on any longer

This darkness has overwhelmed me

And still
I do not awake.”





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ore0osmygod said...
Sept. 17, 2008 at 12:16 am
:D i loved this story and i nominate it for best story of the year !
 
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