My 20 year old cousin visited from Atlanta. She’s a freak, I’ll tell you what. She smells like cheese, looks like cheese, and is obsessed with cheese. I swear her clothes, friends, room in Atlanta, and even her skin is this strangely tanned yellowish color. It’s kind of…gross. No offense to all you cheese-aholics. I mean, don’t get me wrong, cheese is pretty great. It’s healthy and yummy for your tummy. But if dairy products is all you ever eat 24/7 it gets pretty out of hand. Oh, yeah. And her name is Brenda which she shortened to Brie.
My dad loves Brie, though. She’s like this diva in his life. He’s always going, “Oh, Brie says she’s going to come.”; “I wish Brie would come a little earlier.”; “I miss Brie. She’s such a good girl.” Brie is nothing BUT good girl. She’s like this hoe bag who goes around like she’s something special and flips off everyone she meets. I swear, her finger probably gets sore after the day is over.
Anyway, one day my dad saw Brenda’s car outside the house and he practically shouted out into the bare and naked street, “BRIE, SWEETIE. I MISSED YOU. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, MY LITTLE CHEESY BEAR? HOW’S ATLANTA AND MARY?” Mary’s my aunt, my dad’s sister. She’s like this overly nice obese woman who is, thank god, not part of the cheese clan. And oh, gee. I don’t know who My Little Cheesy Bear is. Maybe you can tell me.
So, Brie jumped out of her little yellow car and we saw her in this disturbingly yellow-and-orange cami and skinny yellow capris. Her hair was up in a yellow hippy head band and dangling from her ears were, oh, yes. You guess it. Artificial blocks of cheese on each lobe. She hugged Dad and then squealed, “I missed you, too! I’ve been great, actually. You won’t believe the big news!” I was tempted to blurt out, What are you expecting a baby girl? But of coarse I was too polite to say so. Brie walked into the house, giving me a weird look as she passed by.
She came into the house and the first thing that came out of her big mouth was, “Wow, this place is so small and tiny and cute and small!” Oh, thanks, Brie. We really didn’t know that. Thank you so much for reminding us about how rich and successful your part of the family is like. If it’s so small and tiny and cute and small why don’t you get us a new house, maybe right next to the beach with a pool in the back. Maybe a house made of cheese.
For a freak like Brie, she was like this tall, sleek model-like girl. She’s very tall and has cheese-blonde hair. So, little miss dairy queen went, “Wow, are these your shoes, Mel? You only have two pairs and they’re so ugly. Maybe I’ll take you shopping some time while I’m staying.” How long is this woman going to stay here?
“Brie, honey. You’ll be sleeping in the living room,” said Dad. Yeah, you go, Dad! Let Brie sleep in the cold living room because our house is too small and tiny and cute and small to fit a guest room in.
“Can I just sleep in Melody’s room? It looks a lot more comfortable in there,” whined Brie. Okay, NO ONE calls me Melody. And WHAT? No way is some betch going to sleep in my room.
Of coarse dad said, “Sure, Miss Brie. Go ahead.”
“Thanks, Kiev!” That’s another thing that’s so annoying about Brie. She doesn’t say ‘Uncle’ or ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ or ‘Grandma’. She just calls them by their name.
“Wait, no she can’t,” I retorted. Brie gave me an acidic look.
“Why not, Mellie bear? Come on, she won’t bite,” said my dad. Hello, old man? Did you NOT see the way she glared at me just now? Isn’t one blind in the family enough? Well, actually Grandma Jude was probably less blind than Dad. In fact, she was probably the least blind person I’ve ever met. She’s the most observant person in my life.
“Yeah, Mellie bear. I won’t bite. We’ll be like the best of the best roomies!” she squealed. Fake.
Brie ended up unpacking in my room. She decorated my bed in cheese colors. I think it was starting to smell, too. Apparantally I was to sleep on the floor. I decided to move out. I would rather sleep in the living room than in what is now the new dairy aisle in the super market thanks to that lovely half-cheese half-freak that’s in my room throwing cheese scented cheese on everything. I dropped onto the couch with my limbs sticking out of the edges of it.
Liam came through the front door. “Hey,” he said. He sniffed the air. “Um, did Brie come in today?”
“So, you understand me,” I said plainly. Liam was 18, two years younger than Brie. He was sort of scared stiff of her in the past years but now he’s just as annoyed as I am. Candy loves—wait, no. She adores her.
As if right on cue, Brie jumped out of nowhere and ambushed Liam. She literally attacked him. Brie loves Liam. She thinks that he likes her, too. She’s always like, “Oh my god! Liam. You’ve grown so much! Your hair is adorable, but I have to say, it’s a little long, especially your bangs! Still playing guitar with your cute little band?” She was doing it right now.
“Oh my god! Liam. You’ve grown so much! Your hair is adorable, but I have to say, it’s a little long, especially your bangs. Still playing guitar with your cute little band friends? I really want to hear you guys play,” she said. She ended off with a high pitched squeal which both Liam and I responded with the cringing of our faces. She was holding both of Liam’s hands and swinging them around. She ruffled his hair, messing it up, and said, “You are so cute!” Then she skipped away to my room.
“I pray for you, sister,” he said, doing a cross sign over his upper body and then bowing to me, hands folded. Then he disappeared off to his own room.
Dad took Brie, Candy, Liam, and me out for icecream. “We have to celebrate for Brie’s coming!” he announced.
“Oh, yeah,” she said in the minivan. “I forgot to tell you the big news! But I won’t spoil it here. I’ll tell you when we get there.”
Brie sang all of the Jesse McCartney and Britney Spears songs that have ever existed—or not, she just made them up—on the way there. No matter how much Liam and I screamed for her to shut up, she didn’t stop. She actually started to sing louder and by the time we got to Miss Jolly’s Ice Cream she and Candy were screeching at the top of their lungs, “Hit me, baby, one more time!”
I think she KNOWS what exactly I hate. I think she does this on purpose. I think she does this purely for her own pleasure.
When we got to Miss Jolly’s, Brie ordered the most ice cream. Well, it’s true. Ice cream IS part of the milk/cheese family. Candy would’ve got just as much but Dad was paranoid of cavaties. I didn’t get any.
“So, what’s the big news?” asked Dad.
Brie put down her spoon, licked her lips, and put a sharp yellow-painted nail on Dad’s arm.
And it went precisely like this.

Brie: Oh my god. Okay, right? So, I was, like, really depressed because I was afraid I wouldn’t get into college like the past two years. And then a letter came…
Dad: You got a letter? From where?
Brie: Yes! I got a letter! Guess where! GUESS!
Dad (ponders because he knows his REAL guess will hurt her feelings): Um…
Brie (screams so everyone can hear): B.U.!!!

Honestly, are you bragging about this or are you just retarded?

Dad (of coarse he’s freakin’ thrilled): Oh, wow! That’s great, honey! Wow.
Brie (squeals): I know, right? And the best part about all this is that I can visit you guys every week and after I get out of college I can stay here FOREVER!

Forever…
Forever…
FOREVER??? HOLY F…
“We’re so happy for you,” said Dad. We? We??? Who the hell is this “we”?
“Thanks, Kiev. It means a lot,” she said. She took a monster scoop from her monster bowl and stuffed it into her monster mouth. “You know what this means, right?” she said, her mouth full and spitting ice cream into my face. Oh, no. There’s more? “I’m staying here for the whole summer!”
So, I have to give my room to this b**** for the rest of the summer. Wow, that’s really…not a good thing.
“Brie’s gonna stay forever. Brie’s gonna stay for long time!” sang Candy, skipping in circles. Oh, pinch me I must be dreaming. A couple that was sitting near us stared at Candy and the cheese-woman with great wonder.

“Had a good time with Brie?” Liam said when I came in the door.
“I’ll let you figure that one by yourself,” I said.
Dad and Brie followed me inside. Dad was on his cell nodding to himself and saying, “Uh, huh. Okay, I got it. Alright, take care. ‘Bye.” He hung up and turned to Brie.
“I’m so glad you get to stay with us for the whole summer,” said Dad.
“I’m glad, too!” squealed Brie.
“But I just got a call from Grandma Jude and she says she’s coming for a visit,” he said.
“Grandma Jude’s coming?” asked Liam and I in unison.
“Yup. She said she’s coming sometime this week,” said Dad.
“Do you know when?” I asked.
Dad shook his head. The clueless man. “Jude’s always been famous for being the unexpected.”
“Jude’s so weird,” said Brie. “I never really understod her. Her ‘wise’ old sayings bore me half to death.” If I had said this, Dad might’ve kicked me into the street. Dad loved his mother-in-law very much. He loved her as if she was his actual mother.
“Brie, honey,” said Dad instead. “I’m going to run down to the drug store. Can you make sure the kids don’t make a mess?”
“Sure thing, Kiev,” she said, smiling.
“Thanks, sweetie,” he said. “I’ll be back in a jippy!” Ugh, that word. I don’t know anyone else who says ‘jippy’.
As soon as Dad was out the door, Liam picked up his guitar and headed for the door. “Well, I’m going to my gig,” he said. Then he whispered, “And you,” he pointed to Brie who was fishing for cheese in the refridgerator, “can deal with that.” Then he saw Candy clinging to Brie’s leg. “Or those.”
He was just about to close the door when Brie yelled out with a mouth full of cheese, “HEY! MISTAH! WHERE DO YAH THANK YAR GOIN’?” Liam looked like a puppy caught in a crime scene.
“I’m going to Papi’s for my gig,” said Liam.
“Wait, isn’t Papi’s a pub?” I asked. Liam gave me a lethal look.
“Well, I can’t let you leave the house, darling,” said Brie. She blinked at him.
“Well, I have to be there,” he said. He stepped outside.
“Hey, hey!” shrieked Brie quite unattractively. She stormed over to the door. “Come back!” Liam shut the door in her face. “HEY! LIAM!”
Brie growled and then made a weird animal noise. Her nostrils flared. She walked back to the couch and sat down. Liam opened the door again and squeezed his head and hand in. “Mel! Pass me the keys!” I stretched over and grabbed his keys from the kitchen counter as Brie jumped up and started screaming, “Hey! Don’t pass that to him! Liam, get back in here!” I tossed them to him and he caught them on his fingers. “Thanks, Mel,” he said. He slipped away from Brie, making a narrow escape.
Once again, Brie made the unattractive animal noise. She sank back into the couch, dipping her finger into the cream cheese. I flinched. I was alone in a house with Brie and Candy.
This might just get out of hand.