Cabin Fever MAG

By Christopher Quiroz, San Diego, CA

I could hear a man breathing, slow and steady. The sound was enough to stir me from my slumber. I opened my eyes carefully, but my attempts to see were futile.

Unlike in the city, there were no lights to illuminate the night around my vacation home. It was a gloomy night, and the woods could be so dark. The sharp objects that had filled my sight in the day were replaced now by ominous figures that blended into the darkness.

Another sound to my right. What is it? Who is it? There can’t be anyone out there; there can’t be anyone in here. It is impossible.

I was choking on fear, and I could only imagine how blue my face had become. My brain couldn’t compute this silence, and I was left with a ringing in my ears. Without any reference to time, I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours.

My body tingled, and curiosity called me to action. Slowly I slipped a foot off the bed and searched for the floor. It was colder than I expected. The bed creaked and the floor cracked as my body stiffened from the shock. All was lost now – he was aware of my consciousness.

I had no choice but to thrust my body out of bed. I could hear him react with lightning speed through the house. Was he running? No, he was going to finish the job.

I ran across the room, or at least I attempted to. There isn’t a whole lot of successful running in the dark. I bruised my legs on the furniture, and I scraped my chest on the mantle. Even in the absence of light, there was no mistaking the blood that now ran down my torso.

I had to keep going. What had tormented me as a child was now here. It would be different this time though. The sounds were so close, I could feel him. I had to do something before he did. It was time to act.

I reached for the fire poker. I didn’t even think about what I did next. I had trained myself – I was prepared. There was a satisfying thud, and I knew it was over. I dropped the poker, and found the light switch that had previously eluded me. I needed to see what I had accomplished, whom I had defeated. But with the flick of the switch, I could see no reason to celebrate … only a broken mirror, and my own bloody reflection.

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This article has 72 comments.

novacekn said...
on Oct. 29 2009 at 9:33 pm
I really did not understand this piece. I got lost in the fifth paragraph when you started talking about getting out of bed. You could use a little bit of work on adding descriptive verbs such as "ran," in the sixth paragraph. Instead of saying, "blood ran down my torso," you could have said something like "as blood sped down my torso." I think you did a very good job on this piece except when I got lost and did not really understand this piece. Like I said, work on having more descriptive verbs than "ran." Except verb usage, good job!

MsChowD BRONZE said...
on Oct. 29 2009 at 8:37 pm
MsChowD BRONZE, Colorado City, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
♥I would rather BuRn out.. than fade aWaY♥


this is amazing!

only prob i see is inconsistency at the first.

very good!!

on Oct. 29 2009 at 5:28 pm
4everluvjc BRONZE, Plantation, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 44 comments

Favorite Quote:
nothing is impossible with God! Try him and you'll see :)

lol-now that was good!

on Oct. 29 2009 at 8:21 am
FlyleafFreak DIAMOND, Loveland, Colorado
51 articles 0 photos 203 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have faith in fools;self confidence my friends call it"~Edger Allan Poe
"In this world of infinite insanity, your friends are the best psychiatrists you will ever have."~Me

This sis absolutley astounding! This really does capture cabin fever.

on Oct. 29 2009 at 7:29 am
very_literary SILVER, Ballwin, Missouri
7 articles 0 photos 46 comments
Oh, by the way, my piece is in the free write poetry section.

on Oct. 29 2009 at 7:27 am
very_literary SILVER, Ballwin, Missouri
7 articles 0 photos 46 comments
I love this story, the descriptions are great and the suspense is awesome. Like everybody else says, all I can say is WOW. Could you guys please check out some of my work, it's called I See, and its about the Jim Crow Laws, so , please read it and comment on it.

on Jun. 24 2009 at 4:52 pm
Swooshhh BRONZE, Bayonne, New Jersey
4 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
"dont worry now things will get better. it may be stormy now but it cant rain forever."

Nice use of vocabulary! The ending might have been better if you extended it but otherwise it was really good.

Anjo! SILVER said...
on May. 19 2009 at 6:19 am
Anjo! SILVER, Roseburg, Oregon
6 articles 0 photos 212 comments
Woah.. that is freakishly awesome

on Apr. 22 2009 at 11:21 pm
The_Music_Man BRONZE, Fort Myers, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 3 comments
Ok anyone who doesn't get this read the title... the guy has Cabin Fever A.K.A. he's extremely paranoid.

Great job, I would like a little more build up at the beginning. If you introduce the idea that the character is terrified too early in the story it does not have as much as an effect on the audience. Keep up the good work ;)

Havanna said...
on Apr. 16 2009 at 8:01 pm
Havanna, Perthshire, Other
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments
BRILLIANT!! i loved it, great ending, so descriptive! WOW!

hola14 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 12 2009 at 6:03 pm
hola14 BRONZE, New York, New York
1 article 0 photos 11 comments
One word: wow! Great theme and ending.

on Apr. 7 2009 at 9:39 pm
bcookie PLATINUM, Ashville, Ohio
27 articles 5 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

what happened? did the person kill himself? I was a little confused, but I guess that's my fault not yours.

on Mar. 30 2009 at 7:59 pm
YeseniaG SILVER, Livonia, Michigan
7 articles 1 photo 122 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.

at one point i also thought it was the boogey man but i really liked the ending. great story. i actually like the length of it. cuts to the chase.

on Mar. 17 2009 at 6:24 pm
that was weir at first but wat was going through the cabin was it the wind .....also i though that it was the boogie man at one poit

on Mar. 13 2009 at 5:54 pm
Very creative story. Keep on keepin on, champ.

Taran BRONZE said...
on Feb. 18 2009 at 3:04 pm
Taran BRONZE, HInckley, Minnesota
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
Ok I liked, it was really well done and i like the writing style. And i think you did a really good job. And whoever thinks this story is inappropriate i would like to have a word with about how this story in the least bit is inappropriate. Good job and i think you did well describing everything too! Keep it up!

husa said...
on Jan. 27 2009 at 6:24 pm
it is a inapriate story

on Jan. 21 2009 at 10:09 pm

Sara04 said...
on Dec. 11 2008 at 2:54 am
If there was actually no one in the cabin, then what was running through the cabin? was he just dreaming it even though he was running and hurting himself?

on Oct. 27 2008 at 3:21 pm
Great story! Loved the way you mixed the feeling with the setting and the tone. Sent the shivers up my spine :-D

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