A dream….
That’s what this is, a dream which lasts forever--exceeding the end of time--yet a dream that is over before I begin to open my eyes. What is the meaning of this dream and why does my mind revisit it so? So cold and unfamiliar yet so nostalgic and warm. A gale of grace embraces me whenever I experience this dream only to be eclipsed by the sadness and pain I later feel and I can’t help but hate this place, can’t help but hate it more than anything else in the world.
Why? Why do I hate it so? I ask myself as the dream takes me into a field of flowers overlooking a deep canyon where wild trees sprout from the surface filled with the harmonious spirit of mother nature. Their chiseled points pierce the sky which is like the mirrored image of an tapestry with refined colors dripping--running as if they were paint on a canvas--into the glowing grass petals whom take with them a soul of their own swaying and rocking from the sweet hum the wind makes mimicking a music box playing on an endless loop.
Why couldn’t I let that same wind sing me a lullaby and fall asleep to the sweet smell of pollen tricking me in stepping into a blissful slumber? There was nothing to hate about this place that much was easy to tell but it was hopeless to try and kill the sicken feeling now playing wrestle with my internal organs. I was mad….mad at this place, mad at this world but mostly mad at myself. For no other reason than that, I remained solid in a state of limbo the bright field of flowers with their golden petals hovering about unable to quell my illogical rage.
Barely noticeable (perhaps not even there) I saw the shadow of a small girl looking into a field of wild snowcapped mountains. What is she doing here? She’s just standing there intensely staring. Is she waiting for someone?
My body acts upon its own walking towards this shadow each step a death march as I find myself weakening more and more, my legs heavy like they’re being clamped down by heated led. The wind which earlier produced the ring of a simple chime is stronger now, heaving and pulling with the power of a whole army, ripping up the beautiful flowers I once admired so, being consumed by the wind’s wilted vortex.
The sky has grown dark now….the soft colors which once lit up the whole area have faded leaving not even an echo instead they ushered in their wake desolate storm clouds teeming with blackness, making everything in its range lifeless and insignificant. Even I can feel its effect….a cold feeling like being wiped out of existence, wrapping around me, strangling tightly like a misfit tourniquet. Once I reached the spot I wish I could say that I was happy--proud of such an achievement but instead I was terrified, my eyes wild like schools of fire. Before she was a mere shadow begging the question as to rather she was real or not almost like she could disappear at any moment. Now she was the only object with any color. All the picturesque qualities surrounding us were squeezed out and thrown away, replaced by a gray and pallid background, including me. A thin outline of a soul barely able to hang on--struggling to breath--was all that remained with hands transparent, skin seeming to crawl up into the barren atmosphere like thick jets of smoke. Where everything lacked color, she shined like a piece of glass with immaculate porcelain skin and with hair silver and full of life, winning amidst this bleak pale world. I tried talking to her yet she didn't respond,continued to stare out into the field of swimming vortexes where the majestic mountains used to be. She’s completely and fully unaffected by what’s going around her, expression wooden and her long mane which flows nearly past her white dress remains static, not fluttering in the wind even for the briefest of time. Finally, she acknowledges my presence, as she turn to me with deep rigid blue eyes which are as cold but as enchanting as the darkest night, luring with their protruding glass like structure. She doesn’t speak, just looks at me void of surprise, confusion, or any emotion. Just looks at me.
“Who are you?” I ask the words leaping from my tongue feeling alien and distant. For the longest of time she doesn’t answer, conspicuously silent. Then she speaks in a monotonous voice, thin lips barely moving at all. “Are you hungry?” She asks me eyes not blinking even once. Before I’m able to reply, she rips off an arm, which in no time, withers into a dead branch. Crawling out the empty socket, an misshapen limb with ragged gray skin like chewed up pieces of leather appears, replacing the pure albino arm with its extensive ugliness. Holding the branch that once was attached to her body, she says “Help me plant it.”, and together we begin digging into the colorless ground to make room for this now withered branch. Being fully planted, the branch begins to shimmer and rise, growing ever so swiftly, scaling the wintry air and although its structure was thinner than a simple stick, it remained rooted to the ground thwarting the wind’s attempt to pull everything into its death grip. Its point curves down into a spiral as ugly crumpled leaves begin sprouting out its sides. Then a single fruit hangs from the tip and despite being grotesque and sickening like a crushed crow’s skull, it’s cast in a faint purple glow. This small girl walks over to the tree with bizarre un-human like movements, feet not even touching the ground, and plucks the fruit clean off the tree and hangs it from its rotten stem. She holds it for sometime as if she wanted me to examine and note its every detail, then not batting a single eye, she says, “Eat this.” I don’t know what compelled me but I took the fruit from her with no objections or apprehension and bit into its mushy flesh taken aback by how juicy it was. In one bite alone, its warm juices trailed down the sides of my mouth and I felt warmer and warmer the unpleasant feeling of not even existing nearly gone. I couldn’t help myself and I continued eating the fruit bite after bite until it was completely gone, tongue darting from each side of my face, licking up the remaining juice in pitiful indulgence. I wasn’t satisfied--my stomach demanded more of the intoxicating fruit. I looked towards the crippled tree.
The tree that had once been nothing but a withered branch was now a beautiful creation with purple heart shaped leaves skiing down from its thick bark and with luscious fruit cascading the branches, enchanting them with a great radiance. It was a sight to behold, surely making anyone feel at ease and fortunate to behold such a sight, yet I couldn’t help having this twisted feeling which scurried well alive in my gut, kicking, biting and screaming just from the mere sight of it. Why? Why did I hate it so much? I demanded of myself, ravenous for the fruit. Then….I suddenly knew why….
Laying by the foot of the tree was the small girl, no longer beautiful but with deformed skin webbing across her frail body and with hair rougher than granite, strands of it laying unevenly to the sides in a frenzy and with eyes obsidian; awash and burrowed out as you could peer right through them like they were shards of translucent clay. Pushing the desire of the fruit out of my thoughts, I ran to her location and held her in my arms. Before she gave off the impression of someone warm but no longer, instead was cold--cold like sheets of glacier but then felt empty of any feeling….felt like death. No, she felt like nothing….nothing at all.
“I don’t understand!” I yelled, tears welling up inside. “Why, is this happening? How can I help you?” She spoke, without moving her lips, without moving any part of her withering body. “There is nothing you can do….this is how it’s supposed to be.”
“What do you mean!” I commanded of her, wanting her to quickly answer, almost pleading for a response.
“This world isn’t supposed to be here, nor am I. Once the tree sheds its beacon once more across this land, then I’ll cease to exist….not even as an distant memory.” “No, that can’t be! Isn’t there anything I can do?”
“This….is how it’s….supposed to be….” Her voice cracked under its own pressure, becoming less and less intelligible until it was condensed into nothing more than a vague whimper. “This…is how….it’s supposed to be….” She repeated the phrase over and over again and despite not having lips that could construct words and despite not having eyes that could create tears and despite not having a voice that could conceive emotion, I could feel her pain….could feel her pain and melancholy, for I felt it to like we were somehow connected. “Shut up! Don’t talk!” I yelled holding her tightly in my arms, wishing nothing more for her to stay, yet the tighter I latched onto her, the quicker I felt her whole being begin to dissipate, transforming more and more into nothing. Then….an outside force which was small, yet so full of energy, warped across my body unexpectedly.
Color began spreading from the once withered tree across the land, lighting up everything it could touch. The lion howler of the wind was replaced by the soft cry of a baby lamb and the cold which strangled me in its icy grip now faded away, replaced by the warm clinch of the sun. I to was the same, no longer was I a simple vessel barely able to retain my being, yet despite returning back to myself….I hated this place….hated everything about it. Tears ran freely jumping onto the clomp of black mass that had once been such a beautiful face. I didn’t even want to look at my surroundings because I hated them so….all I wanted to do was to stay with her and remember her forever yet it would seem not even a second later, I even forgot who her was….but how? That didn’t make any sense, I just met her….how could I forget someone I just met? Rather, how could I forget a girl like her? No, no one would ever be able to forget someone like her yet I couldn’t even remember a single detail about this mysterious girl as I held tightly onto her evaporating body which was nearly stagnant air, hoping that by some dumb luck, I could somehow prevent the tragedy that was unfolding. I knew that I couldn’t….there was no way to save her and knew that there was no way I could bring her back so I bit my bottom lip to stop the forlorn tears, and held onto the fading body until the final drop of the tree’s canvas fell onto the earth, then….she disappeared….nothing more than an withered tree vaguely resembling the shape of a small girl.
With horror stretching my eyes I dropped the object cursing the heavens not understanding why I was getting so upset or why I had been latching onto to something which was so hideous compared to everything else that surrounded me. Yet, I felt a strange longing to this ugly creation so I reached over to grab it but was dismayed to see that the ground underneath the ugly object opened up wide like a monster’s mouth and before I could do anything, the ground swallowed the object whole, leaving no trace that it had once been there.
“No! No!” I shouted, fingernails tearing deep into the compacted earth forcefully trying to dig the object out. “It can’t end like this….it just can’t!” I grabbed a nearby fruit and flung it at the most beautiful tree, ordained with features even to magical to belong to something in nature. “It’s your fault! You did this!” Fruit after fruit cracked opened against its shielded surface, its blood painting its bark in small scattered shades of purple. I threw fruit after fruit until I was completely worn out, confused by what I was hoping to accomplish or why I was doing such a ridiculous thing in the first place.
I laughed at my own foolishness examining myself…a complete mess. My hands were sticky, utterly dowsed in warm juice whose droplets fell from the tips of my fingers, into the warm flowing grass. I licked a finger. The juice was sweet yet extremely bitter. Despite the bitterness, it was the greatest thing I have ever tasted, conjuring up some of the happiest memories of my life. With a watery mouth, pallet flooded in thick saliva, I continued eating fruit after fruit until my stomach was full and I was completely worn out wanting nothing more than to sleep.
Lying on my back, I let the warm wind and the sweet pollen rock me into a blissful slumber, the heat from the sun dancing fervently on my cheeks and I can’t help but love this place, can’t help but love it more than anything else in the world and that’s when I awake from this dream. A dream which lasts forever--exceeding the end of time--yet a dream that is over before I begin to open my eyes, and I want nothing more than to drink again the juice from the bittersweet fruit.