The Deranged Patient

February 3, 2013
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Doctor: How are you doing today, Andy?
Patient (In normal voice): I’m doing fine, Doctor.
Doctor (Speaking while writing): Patient not showing symptoms.
Patient (In Sophisticated British): I’d really like some tea and crumpets, though.
Doctor (Crossing out writing): How much do you want tea and crumpets?
Patient (In Irish): Oh! I want it more than a large keg of McGregor’s Brew!
Doctor: What is better than that?
Patient (In Russian): Drone better, or vodka. That good too.
Doctor: Aren’t you getting tired?
Patient (In Gay British): On God, yes! You know, maybe I’ll just sit and relax a little.
Doctor: Are you hungry? I could get you some spaghetti.
Patient (In Italian): Make it just like back home in Italia.
Doctor: Or would you like something from the cafeteria? I hear they have barbeque today.
Patient (In Australian) Care to put some shrimp on the barbee for me, mate?
Doctor: Oh, oops, your chart says that you just ate. No more food for you.
Patient (In Texan): That was my there food that you did take from me. Now how am I supposed to fee my here family?
Doctor: Sir, you don’t have a family.
Patient (In Palpatine): Gooooooooood.
Doctor: So, you didn’t want one?
Patient (In German): Nien, svine!
Doctor: when did you decide this?
Patient (In Damaged Nam Vet): Back in Nam, when me and your dad were back out there in the jungle.
Doctor: You didn’t fight in a war, either.
Patient (In Joker): Wanna know how I got these scars.
Doctor: Okay, I think it’s time for lights out.
Patient (In Bane): Oooh, so you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it.
Doctor: You were born in New Jersey.
Patient (In Joysee) So you think you’re better than me, eh?
Doctor: No, sir.
Patient (In Mafia): Who do you think you are?
Doctor (In Batman): I’M BATMAN!!

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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 1, 2013 at 7:30 pm
This is so funny...which makes it a stark contrast to your usual pieces of writing.  Especially with a title like "The Deranged Patient", I was expecting your "usual".  Still, it had your usual great quality, but I found it impressive that you can do completely different styles of writing.
E.J.Mathews This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 1, 2013 at 11:30 pm
Thanks! I really struggle with comedy writing because I have no one to tell me if my joke is actually funny or not. I'm working on a funnier story currently, it should be up one the site within a month or so.
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