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And You'd Never Expect It

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Haven't we all noticed the electric shopping carts at our local grocery stores? Haven't we all wanted to ride in one, and maybe, feel like we were a little on the wild side of grocery shopping? Even though I’m sure I subconsciencely yearned for it, it never even occurred to me that there actually was a wild side of grocery shopping until recently when I met a woman I think I would consider my favorite senior citizen. I use the word “citizen” loosely because I’m not quite sure where this woman was from.


It was quite recent when me and my friend Yvonne went to Shoppers to purchase only the finest orange tic-tacs. While eying the gumball machine I held the door for Yvonne, an elder man, and an elder woman. The older man seemed to be struggling with his shopping cart and I was wondering if there was an acrobatic maneuver I could somehow perform to not only hold the door, but also push the mans cart for him. I realized the thought was absurd because no one would expect me to push this man’s cart for him his entire odyssey, and then I admitted to myself that I was only trying to find an excuse to attempt an acrobatic maneuver for an audience. I, shamefully, was reflecting on this despicable sin when the older woman entering behind him caught my attention. The woman was wearing lime green spandex pants that cut off mid-shin, a purple polo, and a black and white feathered scarf that from a distance could easily be mistaken for a boa. There was no doubt in my mind that, like my mother, this woman probably had hoards of sparkling tiaras at her house. I wouldn’t hold glittery rhinestones past her either.


As she walked by me I strained to listen to what she was mumbling.
"To the windows... to the walls, the walls, the walls.
Sweat drips down and I call
I ski, ski, ski, ski,". Or at least that’s what I thought I heard. Now, this wasn't the first time I ran into an older woman reciting butchered, and hardly the same, rap lyrics. And who am I to judge how she dresses? I can hardly decide in the morning between what solid-colored-fabric I want to engulf my body with or whether or I should just roll out of bed without changing at all.


I went about my business “harassing” the cashiers and buying my daily bulk supply of tic-tacs. However, it was the two empty electric shopping carts that caught my eye, and my desire. At that moment it suddenly seemed as if I would trade ALL the orange tic tacs in the world for one ride. And that’s precisely what I did, without the trading of the tic-tacs. Instead, fair trade, I bargained with my common sense, letting it go completely. After I climbed aboard, I was surprised there was no gas pedal and then I remembered, these are also for people with no legs. I leaned forward looking for some sort of an "ON" button when the cart jutted forward. I discovered you just press these little yellow lever type things forward on the hand grip. I discovered this, what I’m guessing is, $100 too late.



I thought I would take it slow ,driving an electric shopping cart for my first time and all, but when I abruptly shot forward screaming bloody murder, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. For the first time in my life I couldn’t wait until I was old, or lost a leg or two I suppose. Actually, come to think of it, I’ll stick with the excitement of just the aging. Within just 2 seconds the cart contracted backwards and the front two wheels of the cart were airborne. I’d say I lifted a stunning 3 inches or so. Part of me felt free and part of me was scared out of my mind. And out of my sunglasses. I know it’s a stretch, but I almost felt as if I could identify this feeling of freedom and this marvelous transportation with a member of The Hell’s Angels. Considering they might be offended by this though, I’d rather not make that an absolute statement. An eternity of flight came to a stop after about half a second. There was a thud, and surprisingly the cart fell to the ground after the thud.



I looked back at Yvonne. She's very good at staying passive. She was passive even as she looked away from me and kicked something towards me. What she kicked towards me was a slab of concrete, which I examined and determined to be the electrical socket. I’d like to think she was kicking it towards me so I could calculate my damage, but I know in the back of my mind she just didn’t want to be associated with the concrete or be seen with it. I followed the chewed up looking wires from the slab to the wall, or what was left of it. There was about a 1x1ft hole in which the electrical socket used to be along with other, now, miscellaneous debris. I was so eager to ride around like the little maniac I was, and forgot to un-plug the electrical shopping cart. I thought to myself, “These carts are way to powerful and way to fast.”. What if the wrong person got a hold of these monestrous machines? Say, some rambunctious teenager putting holes into walls?


The same intriguing woman I held the door for walked by me eyeing the destruction. I was nervous about what she might say, or report, but found myself comforted when I found her discreet smile hidden under all the messy and clumped maroon lipstick.

“First time? I started young too. Couldn’t stand the mundaneness of grocery shopping. Of coarse when I was young we didn’t have electric shopping carts but we always find a way don’t we?” Her commentary and analysis was stunningly playful and accurate. I mean it had to be considering though the whole situation itself was silly. Am I going to grow up to be like this woman? I’m ready for this. I can’t wait.





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