Timmy Jimmy, the Goat Boy

April 6, 2008
“I’m telling you Timmy, if you keep eating paper on a daily basis, you’re going to turn into a goat!” said one of the kids at lunch.

“Yeah, especially since you eat doughnuts and fishy juice too.” added another kid.

“Only after you turn into an elf and learn how to do subtraction, which is never going to happen, because you are stupid” replied Timmy.

As you may or may not have noticed, the first two comments were directed at a little boy in second grade during lunchtime at school. All of the people that knew Timmy Jimmy suspected that he might one day turn in to a goat because of his strange eating habits. Timmy, unfortunately and for no apparent reason, did not believe in goats. So despite his peers predictions of his future he refused to believe in his horrible fate and had never once seriously considered that what they were saying would ever come true.

When he got home from school he made him self a nice paper and doughnut sandwich with a glass of badger milk. His mother discouraged his eating habits, but never really did anything about them; which was fine with Timmy. Eating paper didn’t seem to affect him much, that is until he was older. When he was twenty, he started making goat sounds sometimes when he talked. A month later he grew horns and a tail. And before you could say Chinese Architects Timmy Jimmy stopped showing up for work and college and was walking on all four legs. Every day he was looking more and more like a goat. Now his mom regrets not getting Timmy professional help.

Not only were Timmy’s physical characteristics altered, but his intelligence was now just above that of a goat and no longer possessed the mental capacity to tell the difference between right and wrong. He also became very sporadic and aggressive; and he sure did cause a lot of trouble as a goat.

Now being a goat, Timmy was tearing up the town. He ran around in traffic, smashed mailboxes, slashed tires with his horns, terrorized a class of kindergarteners, and he broke into a hospitals nursery and licked all the babies and ate the birth certificates. He was even worse in the ICU. He chewed through some of the life support wires. Luckily, he cut the power on some old man who was about to go anyway, instead of like a babies respirator or something. The security guards caught that troublesome Timmy and hauled him off to wait in jail until the town figured out what to do.

Timmy Jimmy’s cell mate was a drug abuser who had been brought into jail about three hours ago for detox of LSD, soon to be brought to rehab. He was pretty sure he wasn’t high anymore; but when he saw his new cellmate, a goat, he had second thoughts. Especially since Timmy, although he was a goat now, he still muttered random words now and then; but he made mostly just goat sounds.

Two days later City Council declared that Timmy was to be banished to the deserted island of Cuba, which is not deserted at all. Cuba quickly rejected the town’s offer. So this ignorant town from which Timmy came from sent him to the island in Europe known as Germany. They told Germany that Timmy was a circus goat and was very well behaved. Germany fell for it (but was furious that the town had thought that they were an island) and Timmy Jimmy was on his way to the airport.

Timmy was loaded on to an air plane along with a bunch of other psychotic animals all headed for the same place. One of the animals was a hyperactive skunk. About half way through the plane ride the skunk was jumping around in its crate and it died of a cardiac arrest. The skunk smelled so bad the pilots stopped in France to see what it was that smelled so horribly. They found the dead skunk and rented a car to go look around for a river to dump the body in.

While that was happening, Timmy ate the titanium crate he was in and escaped into down town Paris. A couple blocks in Timmy spotted a tasty little target. Without even thinking, that goat assaulted the small child with a snow cone. It was Timmy’s favourite flavour, Cherry with a splash of Bourbon. Timmy was out of there before the child’s mother could react. He just kept running strait down the lane until the wonderful aroma of a bakery caught his attention. He steered toward the pastry shop, bolted in and high jumped over the counter; he broke the baker’s nose with his hind legs. Timmy ate nineteen éclairs, seven croissants, forty-six cream puffs and a cat before the storekeeper finally got that insane goat out of his shop.

It did not take long before the coppers were in hot pursuit of Timmy Jimmy. Timmy was heading strait for the Eiffel Tower so he just went up the stairs all the way to the top. They had him cornered on top of the Eiffel Tower. He had swallowed a good amount of bleach when he was causing a commotion at a Laundromat earlier, so that poor goat was dizzy and sick to his stomach. Not being able to see straight from his concussion caused by a blow upside the head he had received at the bakery from the baker, he ran and jumped right over the railing on the edge of the balcony…
he plummeted to his death.
That Goat Boy Timmy made impact with concrete right between an innocent man and his girlfriend, to whom he was proposing to, covering the two with blood and gore and bits of cat. The chase was over; but the trouble wasn’t. Paramedics and other trained people (professional and unprofessional) helped clean up the goat guts and the blood spattered couple. After a week of shock recovery, Dan and Ann decided they needed a break from the crazy town they lived in so they went to Disney World.

Dan and Ann didn’t know it but they had Goat Disease. This is a rare disease that can be transmitted by infected blood. That’s not good. Nearly everyone on the flight to Orlando got the disease. In a week 1 billion people looked like goats. Two weeks later every one had the disease except for about one-thousand people in an airtight quarantine. All because of a boy named Timmy Jimmy. He should’ve listened to his mother.

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