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A Spark of Hope

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"Dear, Mom and Dad: 

I'm sorry that you had to find out this way. I want you to know that it is not at all your fault, you have done nothing but love and encourage me my whole life, but I can't take this pain any longer. The pain is so bad I just need it to end. It feels like every time they give me those cocky looks or the snide remarks it's like a hot iron burning into my flesh. I just need the pain to stop. I try to ignore them, I tried everything, I tried to make new friends, when it finally feels like it's getting better I get another note in my locker telling me to kill myself. I guess they finally won. I really thought they were my friends, Mom and Dad. I made one mistake freshman year at a party and you would of thought I killed someone, all I did was kiss Courtney's crush, you remember Mom, she's the head cheerleader. Now I'm the "slut", "whore", "boyfriend stealing skank", the guys think I'm some easy girl and put out whenever someone asks. It just never stops. They will never stop until they think they have won. I lost my best friend because she wanted to fit in and didn't wanna be labeled as "the whore's best friend". I know I should have talked to you guys about the pain instead of locking myself in the bathroom at night cutting, I just gave them something else to talk about when they saw my scars on my hips and my stomach in the locker room. Now I'm just "the emo cutting slut". The cutting doesn't help anymore, the ignoring them doesn't help, taking the pills doesn't help, drinking to ease the pain doesn't help. NOTHING HELPS.

Mom and dad I'm so sorry, please, please, please, don't blame yourself. Blame Courtney and her clique, and the football team, and the teachers who saw it happening and didn't say anything they're the ones to blame Mom and Dad not you. And please tell my baby sister that I'll always be with her, even though she can't see me I'm there, I'll always watch over her. Please let her learn from my mistakes. Let her read this when she's old enough. She needs to realize that cutting, alcohol, weed, and hiding the pain doesn't fix it. It didn't help me, it won't help her. Look at what it did to me Ella. I hope you would never ever even think about doing the things I did, but I know how cruel high school can be. Please, please, please, Ella don't let them break you like they broke me. I'm so sorry. I love you all so much but it's time for me to end this pain. 
Goodbye."

As I finish writing my suicide note, between my sobbing I hear something I haven't heard since freshman year my best friends text tone. Do I want to pick it up and read it? Can I endure more hurtful remarks? I think to myself "I'm ending it all tonight, what's it matter anyways?" I pick up my phone through the tears I read: "Hey.. uhm... I don't know if you still have my number it's Emily... I'm sorry I've been acting like such a b**** the past few years over something so stupid and immature. I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but I miss you and I would really like to see you and catch up tonight.. I'm sorry again. I shouldn't have let something so stupid come between our friendship." 

I sit there in shock. Is this for real? Have I finally lost my mind? Or is this a new way for them to break me apart even more? Should I take this leap of faith, put the last bit of trust I still might have into her. She was my best friend after all. What do I do? I look at my suicide note, I look at the all the pills, I look at the blades. It would be so easy to end it all right now, but then I look at my phone and see her contact picture, it's us right before the party, we're so happy.

 I grab my note, the blade, and all my pills, I walk into the bathroom flashing back to all the hurtful things they have done to me the past two years. I have the blade and pills in my hand and the note in my back pocket. Ella walks in and says "It's time for dinner! Mom made your favorite!" She looks down at my phone and says, "Sissy! Look it's you and Emily, you look so happy." "Yeah we were, Sis." "Why is that picture on your phone?" "Emily texted me, she wants to hang out tonight." "I think you should! What do you have in your hand?" "Oh nothing, El, just garbage." I say as I toss it all in the toilet and flush. "Are you going to hang with Emily tonight, sissy?" I smile at Ella, "Yeah I think I might."




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