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Collarbones, thigh gaps, thin arms, flat stomach. I want it all. I want to look just like that model on the cover of the magazines. I want girls to look at pictures of me and say to themselves 'She is perfect, I want to look like her'.

That's what I've spent two years of my life doing. Since I was fourteen I've been obsessed with these 'perfect models'.
I look at them, perfect, skinny, beautiful.
Then I look at me. Fat. Fat. Fat.
Ugly. That's all I see.
Most days, I'll get home from school and go straight into the bathroom. I'll strip my clothes off and stare at my self in the mirror. I start from the top of my body and go down, I analyse myself. Ugly thin hair. Fat round face. Big nose. Fat arms. No boobs. Fat stomach. Fat ass. Fat thighs. Fat legs. Fat ankles. Ugly feet.

There is literally nothing I like about myself. People are always telling me different; that I'm beautiful and that I'm fine how I am. They're only saying that to be nice to make me have more confidence in myself.
It doesn't work though, one glance at the model in the magazines and my self esteem deteriorates.
I weigh myself everyday. All I want is them numbers to move down just a fraction, I just want some results. That's the only thing that makes me happy. Doesn't that feel good? When people say to you "you've lost weight!" Doesn't that make you want to punch the air and swing off the light fittings? It does for me.

A lot of people get worried about me. Why? This is my body. I know what I want it to look like. Why do people always think they know everything? I just want to be skinny. I want to be perfect.

I always try to copy the celebrities I like and their make up. I want to be as perfect as them, even if it does involve getting my mom to go spend $15 a week on make up, isn't it worth it? It makes me feel good.
The cosmetics store is like stepping into heaven. The rows and rows of make up mesmerize me. There's so much to choose from. I can spend hours in the store, just staring at everything and trying out testers.

I can't see no distinctive difference though. I look at my friends, they look amazing. They have the curves, the full lips and beautiful eyes. They have the boyfriends. But why don't I? That's all I want. I want to be the girl who walks through the school corridors with her head held up high and will make everyone else look like crap. I want to be the girl who everybody gawps at when they see because she is just so perfect. I want a boy to think 'She's way out of my league, I'll never have a chance with her'.

I want to be the cheerleader with the amazing body who everyone wants to be like, who everyone asks what mascara she uses.
I want to be that girl who is filthy rich and throws the most amazing parties.

But I'm not, and I doubt that I ever will be. I'm the girl who everyone pushes past in the corridor because I'm in their way. I'm the one who doesn't get to sit at a table in the canteen so I have to eat my food in the ladies bathroom. I'm the girl who no one notices. Shall I just accept it that way? Shall I just get on with it and accept what God has given me? What is society's idea of beauty?



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Alexa19 said...
Jan. 6, 2013 at 10:40 pm:
I really enjoyed that! I liked how short and concise it was and how it got straight to the point yet left you with a question to think about yourself.
 
londongirl90 replied...
Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:02 pm :
Thank you so much :)
 
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