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August 4, 2008
Tears started to form in my eyes. I needed someone right now to tell me it was okay but of course I knew it wasn’t. I had just lost my best friend, my first true love all over a stupid kiss that I would take back in a heart beat. I looked hopelessly at Jacob wondering what was going through his mind. His eyes showed anger, his body was rigid and I could feel the heat coming off of it. It was as if the anger and hatred he was feeling came out as heatit was like all the anger and fustration he was feeling caused him to overheat. I knew that his reaction would not be pleasant but I had not expected his words. "It’s over”. They kept echoing in my mind over and over again. I willed the feelings of despair to go away. I deserved this, I had done something wrong. How could I expect him to be fine with it? Two years gone now over something that was so pointless. I had always been controlled by my emotions. i never listened to my head until everything i was feeling was apparent to others.

I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. I was losing Jacob second by second and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

“Jacob please say something”, I whispered. He turned his eyes on me and for a second I regretted talking. I always needed to talk; it was the only way I knew everything was alright. I couldn’t stand to lose him, not over something I would undo if I it was possible.


“Grace, what do you want me to say? I love you but you kissed him, I asked you over and over, you lied over and over. Am I supposed to just say its fine? I can’t do that, I just can’t.” His voice quivered and I wondered if it was from anger or sadness. It was probably a mixture of both. I wanted to scream at him that if he loved me he would forgive me. You forgave the ones you loved, for the simple fact that you loved them. I wondered what I would do in his position. I knew though he never would have betrayed me like that. He loved me and I did love him but his love was unconditional or so I thought. I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him how sorry I was and that I would do anything for another chance. I knew when I saw him that day that I couldn’t lie anymore about what had happened. I had always been sure that guilt could kill a person and I didn’t want to die. It ate at me every time I talked to him, saw him, or kissed him. Anything that involved Jacob filled me with huge amounts of guilt, which was everything in my life.


I looked down at the pretty ring that sat on my finger. He had given it to me a year ago. It was perfect then, everything was. I somehow always managed to destroy any type of happiness that I had.


I felt Jacob shift next to me, turning away. I willed myself to speak but I couldn’t. I knew that I would start sobbing if I opened my mouth. It felt like my whole world was about to topple any minute, and it was. Jacob was my life, anywhere I turned in it, he was attached to it somehow. It was Grace and Jacob the perfect couple, it was Jacob and Grace “how cute”, and they will be together forever and have tons of kids. I despised when other said those things, it just felt like more pressure I had to keep any problems between me and him a secret. I wanted us to be perfect but perfection is not real. I knew that from an early age.


“Jacob please, please say something”, I tried to say before a sob escaped my lips. He, again, didn’t move or speak. I needed his voice to fill the silence, it was killing me. I didn’t want to have to think anymore, it hurt too much.


“What?” he said angrily. I looked at him surprised; I had not expected him to say anything after such a long period of silence. “I just need to know everything is okay, please, please say it is”, I begged as I felt a ball of sadness in my throat. For a minute he didn’t speak, but then “no, it isn’t okay. It will never be okay Grace. You promised you would never hurt me like that and I believed you, every friggen word ever out of that beautiful mouth. I don’t want someone who could do something like that without thinking about other people. You’re selfish. Plain selfish and pathetic.” I wanted to hit him with everything I had but I knew it wouldn’t make any difference. It hurt so bad, hearing those terrible words out of his mouth. I had never heard a mean word from him directed toward me; I never thought I would either.


Jacob started the truck and it lurched to life. I had forgotten that we were supposed to be hanging out at the beach, but again of course I had to ruin a perfectly good thing.


“Where are we going”, I quietly asked. “ Back home, your house.” I decided it was best to be quiet and not protest. It wouldn’t do any good making his mood worse. I felt confident I could fix it. For about a second. Jacob turned up the radio, a rock song came on something I didn’t know, and drowned out any talking that could have been done. He drove fast on all the back roads. He knew that scared me.


We pulled up to my house in what seemed after a million years of silence. My house looked sad and so did everything around it. I felt exactly the same way.



Jacob took the key out of the ignition. I looked at him and asked, “Are you coming in?” Jacob turned his eyes on me with a look in them that I had never seen before. “Grace….it’s over”. I felt like I had been punched, all the breath seemed to leave my body. I suddenly had no words. My world had finally come crashing down. “Jacob…please” I opened the door and climbed down. I couldn’t believe what was happening. “grace, it’s done, I’ll see you around some time” I stood in the driveway watching Jacob leave my house and leave my life.


I walked into the house seeing my mom by the stove. “Your home early she said, how was everything?” she hadn’t looked at me yet. I numbly started to walk away and over my shoulder said “it’s over” as the tears gates opened and I fell to the floor and cried.





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Robsessed said...
Aug. 19, 2009 at 9:17 pm
OMG! That was tragically beautiful. Thank you for sharing. My heart broke for you.
 
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