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Several days ago I fell off a stationary bicycle in such a way as to bring immense physical and psychiatric trauma to me. But I want to reassure my fellow bike fallers out there you are not alone. Every days, millions of Americans biking casually on their stationary bike, eating yogurt while watching Intervention or another reality show, slips off, injures their bodies, and are forced to cope both physically and psychologically. And so I have started Bike Fallers Anonymous (BFA).
Across the nation we have various helplines for anyone in need. We are open 24/7, for those of you biking on an early Sunday morning or late nights on the weekdays. Our call centers contain expertly trained staff ready to serve your every whim. In fact, we are an international organization, and wholeheartedly believe in diversity, and so occasionally we will direct you to an Indian call center in our effort to promote tolerance and diversity.
A huge part of our core belief is learning how to relieve trauma and relapses without expert assistance. And so we have created the 7-Step Program:
1) Assess the situation. Examine where the injury has occurred and make a mental note of it.
2) Walk over to your nearby bathroom, being careful not to incur any more injuries, while listening to the rise and fall of your breath to keep your nerves down.
3) In your bathroom, find a disinfectant and cotton ball. Don't forget to listen to your breathing.
4) Carefully soak the cotton ball in the disinfectant and gently apply the disinfectant to the spot of injury.
5) Reassess the situation. If you need a bandage, apply firmly over the injury so it is over the maximum area possible. Otherwise, leave the injury alone.
6) Go into your bedroom and meditate. This meditation will help relax your nerves and help with the coping process. Feel free to call a friend or family member for extra calming.
7) If needed, at your next meeting for BFA, discuss your relapse and use advice given there to help recover.
I underwent my first injury a few days ago. I was watching something on CBS when, to my shock and horror, I slipped off my stationary bike and injured myself just above my right knee. After I went through coping with this traumatic experience, I did some research and found that I was not the only one. Concerned that other citizens across the country may not know what to do in a panic attack, I created BFA. Ever since my first incident, or FI, I have managed to avoid injuring myself on my bicycle by following a strict regiment of self-control and meetings with fellow victims. I am proud to say I have been freed from another incident for over a week now, and feel confident I will never relapse. And now, my fellow sufferers, you too can be relieved of such pain, sorrow, and trauma inflicted on you and your family.
Recently I have been designing a brochure to hand out to my fellow classmates when I return to school, highlighting the dangers of riding stationary bikes and measures everyone can do to prevent an innocuous experience from become a harrowing one. For example, when riding a stationary bike you should never eat food on a dinner plate, even tasty food like steak or spaghetti. Despite how innocent and non-dangerous it seems, there is a very high risk involved that many Americans are unfortunately unaware of. This danger can be compounded if one is to drink a beverage at the same time as they eat. Still, both are dangerous individually. I have already printed hundreds of pamphlets with my own money, and plan to distribute them as soon as possible when the school year begins. America's youth needs to be informed of the dangers involved with stationary bike riding and spread the word so everyone can safely enjoy biking.
I oversaw a recent meeting where I met Suzy. Now Suzy is your typical American women, married with two kids and a healthy, stable job at a business firm. But one night when she was biking and watching Jay Leno on TV, she fell victim to her FI. Ever since then, she has been a shell of her former self, reluctant to ride stationary bikes from a paralyzing fear of imminent injury. This is her third week on the program as she is struggling not to fall next time, though the sad truth is she may never fully recover. Or take Jack, a hard-working handyman living in Nevada. He first fell victim at a gym in Carson City, and now it is so sad to see him now compared to his once vibrant, youthful self.
These victims of such self-afflicted abuse have found a home in BFA. Currently, I have filed a request to the UN to be recognized as an international humanitarian organization and requested billions of dollars, normally intended for Darfurian refugees and combating poverty, to be spent on a true epidemic that affects poor and rich alike and is in dire need of worldwide recognition. This money would go on to expand our operations to places currently unavailable to us at the moment like Africa, South America, Antarctica, and especially Europe.
So far I have received unanimous endorsements from prominent officials in America such as Chuck Norris and Tom Cruise. The public too vastly supports my program. I asked ten people on the street if they support outreach groups, humanitarian efforts, and support for those in need, and every single one of them said yes. If you do the math, you realize that means 100% of Americans support my efforts for those victims in need. The UN is expected to pass the necessary bill later this week.
So I leave you to spread the word of the BFA. All of you out there in need of a friend to help you cope, all of you unfortunate souls physically and psychologically affected, now is the time to come forward. Don't worry, we have a friendly environment here ready to accept all of those in need. Bike falling is nothing to be ashamed of, and you can always call anytime at 1-800-555-BIKE. You're not the only one, and we are here to help.