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The Diary of a Sunken Soul
Eyes. They are watching me. All around me, I am surrounded by people. I don’t know these people, yet they tell me I live here; that they live here. I do not understand. I live nowhere. I am nobody.
They call me John Doe. Sometimes I don’t even know that they are calling for me. I don’t like the name John. I know my real name, I hear it all the time, in my head. It speaks to me. The voice, speaks to me. It is there all the time, calling my name, but I cannot answer it. I cannot reach out for it, and grasp it’s voice and use it for my own.
They eyes turn away, and I am being carried away by people in white suits. I hear them talking and saying what was wrong with me. What is wrong with me.
I step outside of my body, and look at myself. I look droned, and my face is white. I see my arm quickly reach out and run my fingernails across the lady in the white suits’ arm. The red water trickles down her hand. She lets go of my legs and they drop on the concrete floor. I put myself back into my body, and ask why I did that. The lady wasn’t harming me, so why did I feel the urge to hurt her. I cannot seem to figure out why I couldn’t stop myself from scratching her. I knew I would do it, but I couldn’t have control over my body.
She grasps her arm, and wraps it in a bandage and walks away. Another man comes and picks my feet up and I am carried to the room. I remember this room, the room that I live in. They put me here every night so I can sleep. They must care about me, because there is a nice soft bed in there. And it never gets cold. I know they care about me.
The room is dark. There is only one tiny window right beside my bed. I can only see a brick wall and a light. I tell myself everyday that someday I will be out there and explore more of the world. The voice tells me that I was once out there. Living like the wall and the light. There is a toilet in my room too. I try to use it everyday, because that’s what they tell me to do. I also like to sing on the seat. I like the sound it makes when you tap it. The room is clean, and it is white. The same color as the suit’s the nice people wear.
A nice person unlocks my door and looks in at my room. He says “check.” He says that to me every night. He is always watching out for me, seeing if I am sleeping well. I am not sleeping yet so I smile at him, and wave. He closes my door and locks it again. I am all alone now, except for my voice in my head.
The voice hums me to sleep, and I am purring like the furry person on the tellie named Mr. Fuzzy Bear. The nice person tells me that Mr. Fuzzy Bear is a cat, and that they purr when they are happy. I am happy, so I purr too. He tells me that humans don’t purr, but I do so he must be wrong. He is Mr. Wrong Bear.
I wake up to another nice person. She is a girl. I know she is a girl because she has nice long soft hair. I want to take her hair but she tells me that I am a boy and I am supposed to have short hair. It is time for me to eat. She takes me to the big room where all the food is in a chair with wheels attached to it. I am an old guy, so I can’t walk very well. They set me at a table all by myself, and put a plate of yummy food in front of me. The nice girl feeds me. I know she cares about me too, because she smiles at me when she is feeding. I smile back at her. The voice tells me to tell her that I love her. I tell it no because she might get mad at me, like when I tried to kiss her. Sometimes the voice has bad ideas.
Feeding is done, and they take me to the tellie room. I watch the purple on the television, and they watch me back. They wave and say hi to me. Then the purple people come out of the tellie and are sitting right next to me. They play games with me, like rock paper scissors. And ring around the Rosie. They enjoy me being around them. One of the nice people walks right through them, and they are back on the television, singing and dancing. T.V. time is over, and I am taken to a small grassy place. The grassy place is surrounded by fences. The sun is not shining today and that makes me sad. I cheer up when one of the nice people throws me a ball. I throw it back to him as best as I can. It doesn’t reach him, but he takes steps forward and picks it up. He throws it back to me. I love that ball.
Then one day I got very sick, and I didn’t feel very good. I couldn’t leave my room, and I couldn’t smile at anyone. I guess the voice was very sick too, because it wasn’t talking to me anymore. I stayed in my bed, and looked out the window at the wall. I wonder if the wall was worried about me. I know the nice people were worried about me because they brought my food to me everyday. But I wasn’t allowed to go to the tellie and see the purple people again.
I felt my heart beating slower, and the voice was telling me it was shutting down. I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew it wasn’t very good because the nice people weren’t smiling anymore. I felt like I was drifting off to sleep, but I knew what was really happening. I heard the voice saying my name one last time. Gabriel, it said and then I fell into my death.
Heaven is nice. It is filled with nice people and purple people, and purring people. They are all happy, just like me. No more sad faces. I like to talk to the angels. They tell me a lot of things I didn’t get to know. Like what was beyond the brick wall and the light. They say that the world is a beautiful place, of happy people. And That if I ever wanted to see it, then I could just look down from the clouds and see it.
And the voice, it is now my voice. Yeah, I can talk now. That makes me even more happy. They call me by my real name now. Gabriel. The purple people don’t visit, but I know that they are happy in the tellie down on earth.
God is wonderful. He tells me stories, and he helps me walk. I can walk now. I love being here in heaven. I hope that the nice people can come someday and share it with me. And we can all be happy, together, because I know that’s what they want. And I want it too.