Top 10 Ways to Cut Down a Tree

November 15, 2012
Hello city slickers and town folk! Are you ready to release your inner woodsman and cut down trees left and right? Well this instructional article will give you the power to become the logger you have always wanted to be. Many people always have wanted to know how to blow a tree out of the ground and, or cut it down in the fastest way possible. Let’s get choppin’!

10. Hire someone else to do it. We do this every year during Christmas time. You should definitely get someone off the streets and pay them before-hand because everyone is trustworthy! Anecdote

9. Imagine being able to use the force and having a light saber except that you don’t actually have the force and instead of a light saber you use a laser and a magnifying glass to burn the tree to the ground, ever since you were a kid you have always wanted to be a Jedi and here is your chance. Scenario

8. Get some lighter fluid, a match, and put it all on the tree! This is one of the quickest ways to get it down, definitely if the tree is an ironwood or an oak because they burn really well, but the end result might not be so pretty. Examples

7. TNT, or trinitrotoluene, always works well in these situations. Just make sure to stand far enough back to not get caught in the blow! Definition

6. Release your inner magician and knock it down with a spell. 10/10 wizards prefer the spell Downicus!! Statistic

5. Train a bunch of beavers to come and attack every tree you want! They do cut them down very quickly with your giant teeth. You will be the overlord of nature! Fact

4. Constantly kick it until it falls down. This will get you ready for soccer season! “The goal is to get the goal, or knock down a tree!” Quote

3. Take a piece of paper and continuously give the tree paper cuts. It will be ironic and the tree will feel like a walked on cupcake, crushed. Fig. Lang. - Simile

2. Instead of using beavers, as stated before, you could release your inner beaver and chop it down with your teeth. Some might say “Hey isn’t that bad for your teeth?” and I would reply “Well beavers do it all the time and they’re fine, aren’t they?” Dialogue

You could just knock down one tree or you could knock them all down with a huge fiery explosion that will knock your socks clean off using anything you deem fit. This will make sure you go down in history as the person who destroyed nature. Description

You townies now know all the tricks of the trade to get a tree down in nearly any way possible, like annihilating it with a ray gun or going old school and using an automatic tree cutter. I hope you will buy our follow up movie “Trees in Space” to learn even more ways to become the best logger ever.

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jjwil82 said...
Nov. 30, 2012 at 9:51 am
This was so fun to read!
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