Will I Survive?

October 30, 2012
By , Pittsburgh, PA
Sitting in the corner of my bedroom floor, shaking, hearing my parents argue like every night. I keep glancing at the knife under my bed, the one I use to let go of the pain for a little while. Hearing my dad scream at my mom, makes me jump, I know this fight was brought on by my mother, the alcoholic of the house. Sometimes I wish I could drink my worries away, but I remember I have that sharp silver dagger, to slip away for, forever.

Getting up from the floor, knowing what I have to do. I pick up the knife, then I drop at the loud bang coming from down stairs. I decide to grab my things, and head down stairs. The lamp in the living room is shattered on the floor while the table lays sideways. My dad sees the my bag in my hands, and he heads for the door. He grabs my arm looks me in the eyes and screams “If you walk out this door, don't bother coming back!” I spit in his face, pushed him aside and run out the front door.

Standing on the porch as the cool crisp air hits my face like a brick. I'm thankful that I decided to bring a jacket. Walking down the steps, hurrying to get away from this place I once called home. As I was walking down the street I remember all the bad memories I had in that house. I want to look back, but I know I can't, if I look back I can't move on from this tragic depressing unplanned life. I try to think of some happy memories, but every one that comes to mind has left scars and bruises that don't show, where no one can see or hear me scream. I look back with out thinking, and I see nothing but pain, hatred, and sadness.

I start running down the street after a river runs from my eyes. I know I have to leave tonight, I know I have to get away. I head towards the boulevard, hoping I won't run into anyone I know. The fear overwhelms me, disturbing thoughts racing through my mind, one by one stabbing me in the heart. I fall to my knees, holding my stomach, screaming, crying my eyes. I get up, not being able to breathe, looking around making sure no one noticed my manic break down.


Walking and looking down, making sure I don't make eye contact with anyone who is out, which is mostly grown men. I feel something rough grasp my arm, I look to my side, and I'm eye to eye with love. I rip away from her, start running for my life. I look back and she is no where in sight, stilling running, I stop. I'm standing there leaned over, breathing or at least trying to. So many thoughts running through my mind, and I soon to realize why she came, why she stopped me.

I go to turn back, but just as I start walking back, I feel my body being lifted up, then all of a sudden I feel my body hitting the cool hard cement, my bones break beneath me. I look up and I see a group of men surrounding me, trying to fight back, screaming the best I can. Laying there zoning in and out, hearing them laugh at my pain, hoping this is only a dream.

Waking up a few hours later, it's still dark out. I look down noticing the crimson red river, I ignore it. I get up and put my jacket back on, pacing my achy body to get out of there. I look around me and see my surroundings, I'm in a dark alley next to a restaurant my parents took me a few times. I walk out of the alley and head for my hide out.

I try to forget what just happened, but I can't shake the thought. I left my house that I once called home. I left to get away from the abuse, to move on from it all. Now that I think about leaving I realized, I'm alone. The people who are supposed to love me, don't. The one person who I love dearly, will never feel the same. I can't stop asking, why am I still alive?

All I ever wanted was a love that wasn't like my parents. Why should I live in a world of hurt, that leads me no where. I look up abruptly, and I am already at the entrance to the woods, only a few minutes away from the house full of hatred. Exhaustion overcomes my body, as I realize I have a long way to my death.

I struggle up the hill, as my journey begins. I'm not terrified, of the dark, I know what's in it. I already experienced the worst to come, just an hour ago. I hear footsteps behind me, I turn swiftly around and no one is there. I turn back, and pick up my pace, and run for my life, while I still have one. I'm only to the half way point, when I hit the ground, having an anxiety attack. Shaking from the pain, screaming to cover up the voices in my head.

I start crawling to my destination when I remember that I'm still bleeding. I look back and see the little piles of blood, and thought to myself that I've made it this far to die, so why end it now. I slowly arise from the dirt covered ground. The wind blowing my hair back, seeing my breath in the air, relieved that I'm almost there. I look back at the field as I enter the second part of the woods.

I'm slowing down, but surely make my way to the cliff that is my dear friend. I stop in the middle of my tracks when I see a dark shadow walking back and forth. I come closer to realize that it's her. I wonder how she find my spot? The one person I never wanted to stop me from doing the only thing to make my parents happy, was standing only a few feet away from my fast beating heart.

I walk slowly towards her, noticing my gun was unburied from the dirt next to the cliff. She turns toward me, startled. I walk faster towards her, and hug her. I don't know if I'm happy to see her, or happy that I'm going to be gone. All I ever wanted was for her to be my savior, but sometimes your savior falls short, and comes too late.

I'm the first one to speak, my words fall poorly out of my mouth. I try to find the words to express my feelings before I say goodbye. Instead I steal something, I never thought she'd allow, but she steals one back. She smiles and leans down to grab the gun. She mutters the words “I love you” under her breath. The trigger is pulled.





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