A Word of Friendly Advice

For the sake of you and everyone around you, it's best to let the cat out of the bag. You'll feel a lot better, let me assure you, and for the first time in a while you'll be able to rest a lot easier. Frankly speaking, we all know what you've done, and there's no way around it. He's in the bag. We saw you put him in there, and Mittens deserves better--or at least a nicer bag. I mean really, burlap? That's probably the least comfortable option you could have gone with.

But I digress, every night we have to put up with that yowling and moaning that he's been doing. All night, every night, that cat hollers like you've been giving him a good shake. Have you at least been feeding him? I certainly hope you haven't been pouring his Fancy Feast into the bag with him--he'd be such a mess. I won't stand for this sort of negligence, I've stood idly by long enough. It's no way to treat an animal, and the assault on our ears has gone on long enough. Let the cat out of the bag.

At the very least, let the cat out of the bag for your own health. Why you insist upon carrying that bag around with you beyond me. He's always squirming around, and even though he's tied up nice and tight in that bag, those claws of his still manage to get through. Your arms, back, and shoulders are covered in scratches and bites. When he's moving around like that, I can't image it's very comfortable to sit or lie down, either. Let him out of there, you'll actually be able to relax.

Maybe Mittens hasn't been the best of cats, but he certainly wasn't the worst. How can you forget all the good times you've had with him? What about all those times the two of you snuggled up together on those long winter nights? I understand he'd attack your hands and feet beneath the covers shortly thereafter, but he was so cute, wasn't he? Those huge, luminous amber eyes, and how they would just glow with adoration when he would present to you his biweekly offering of furry woodland creatures? Remember that time he brought home that bunny rabbit? Those are you favourite animal, I can't believe he knew! Sure, most of the times those poor little animals were dead, but not all of them. Remember when he brought in that bird that one time, and it started flying around the kitchen? Oh, what a morning that was. And he was usually nice enough to leave them by the door rather than bringing them into the house and leaving them where we could step on them. Let him out of the bag, in memory of all those good times.

I should probably mention how ridiculous you look carrying that bag around with you. A burlap sack is far from the most fashionable item you could have gone with, let alone comfortable. I'm sure Mittens would have a few choice words for you, you know, if he wasn't a cat. It's not too late to just give Mittens his freedom back, move far, far away from here, and never ever let anyone know that you were once that I-Keep-My-Cat-In-A-Bag guy. Nobody wants to be that guy. I'm pretty sure you've noticed the local chapter of PETA has been leaving burning plates of tofu on your front lawn in protest of what you're doing. They'll probably stop if you let Mittens out of the bag, but then again, it is PETA and I'm pretty sure they're crazier than you are.

Come to think of it, why did you put the cat into a bag to begin with? I can assure you, that's not an urge that anyone else has had...well, except maybe Edgar Allen Poe, but then again, that guy was a little crazy himself. If this is some kind of artistic form of political protest, I'm pretty sure the meaning has been lost on me and everyone else.

Please, I'm begging you, just let Mittens out of the bag. If not for Mittens' sake or your own, then for mine. It's been painful to watch you degrade into this state of madness. The lying, the secrecy, the putting of cats into bags...truth be told I care about you, and this fixation of yours just isn't healthy. I'm begging you, help me help you, and please, let the cat out of the bag.





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