It didn’t take more than a second for the pain to overtake my body. The pain was unbearable; I would have done anything to be able to escape my own body at that point. It wasn’t the type of pain inflected by an injury or sickness. It was the type of pain you have no control of, the type that is brought on by feeling sorrow. I had never felt that way: helpless, shattered, mortified, and devastated. I have always had this barrier between my feelings and every other little thing in my life. But at that moment that barrier was tumbling down. All I could do is read that message repeatedly and every time it hurt a little more. I read it until I finally went numb and felt nothing at all.
“Just so you know… NO ONE likes you here in Geneseo. You should really go back to where you came from NEW GIRL. We don’t like TWO-FACED WHORES who TRY to get all of the attention. All those guys who pay attention to you could do some much better… Everyone thinks you are an UGLY WHORE. You might actually have a chance of being pretty if you got rid of your acne and lost a few pounds. You are also beyond ANNOYING. Actually you are just better off killing yourself other than trying to change.” – xoxo Anonymous
I knew I probably wasn’t the only one reading this at that moment because it was all over Tumblr for everyone else to see… It was already on my page for over 14 hours before I deleted it. I kept telling myself I deleted so I couldn’t read it again and cause myself more pain but I knew I really deleted it so no one else could read it. Tears were falling from my face and my trembling hands could do nothing to stop them. That new pain I was feeling wasn’t going away and I knew it wasn’t going to anytime soon.
“Actually you are just better of killing yourself.” I cant even tell you how many times that line went through my head. Each time a different girl would be laughing as she said it to me. Every girl that said it to me seemed to never have a flaw either and that made me think of every single flaw I have. Each one of those flaws gave me a reason to why I could never be happy again… Before I knew it I had a long list accumulating in my head of reasons I wasn’t good enough.
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Before that moment I never understood how anyone ever could go through with committing suicide but it was all starting to make sense to me. I told myself I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, skinny enough, rich enough, and wasn’t good enough. So what was the point of living if I was unhappy? I couldn’t see a way for things to get better. A couple seconds later I for some reason I found myself on my Facebook, which was a terrible idea. I read statuses that guys posted complaining about fat girls, ugly girls, and so; on adding them on Facebook. Then I was comparing myself to other girls and each time I found a dozen more things I thought were wrong with me.
“Better off killing yourself.” Could I have really committed suicide? Could I have really ended my very short life? At that moment I really could have and I was so close to doing so because I wasn’t thinking straight.
Do you want to know what stopped me? It was my desktop picture of me, my grandma, and my two brothers. I wrote on the picture “Be happy that you are yourself. Don’t let society define who you are. If you do you will never truly be yourself and that would be a shame because you are one of a kind.” I wrote that on there because my grandma lost all of her hair going through Chemotherapy and she was trying to wear wigs at the time and they never really suited her personality. It was like she was hiding behind those wigs because she was ashamed to be bald but she is the strongest women I know. I mean she was told that her cancer would kill her but she is still fighting for her life. Then there was me ready to take my life just like that one ignorant person wanted me to feel as if I was worthless. My grandma was going through hell every minute of her life to just wake up the next day. I got harassed once on Tumblr and was contemplating suicide…
I would have ended my life by choice over something so stupid when there are people out there that have no control of when their life will get taken away from them. There are people out there, like my grandma, who struggle everyday just so they can live one more day. There are people out there that have it considerable worse than I do. Those people also choice to keep fighting on because they know or at least have hoped that things will get better.
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Everyone out there should know that they are good enough. Also that pain I felt that night was temporary and things did get better like they will for you. Everyone out there should know that by comparing yourself to others, you are letting society define who you are. It might be hard but just always find the good things in yourself and others when you are upset. Everyone out there should think of your life like it is a book and you are the award winning author. You have the choice to make it a romance, historical, a mystery, or whatever you heart desires. You also can’t always choice what people think about it but you can choose though when it is time to move on and turn the page. You can also choose when it’s time to start a new chapter. Another big choice you can make is to end your story but you need to be very careful if you choice to do to so because the next chapter could surprise you; mine surely did.