Thank You For Testing Our Product, "Life"

September 26, 2012
By emilyschmemily PLATINUM, Medford, New Jersey
emilyschmemily PLATINUM, Medford, New Jersey
27 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?" -Albus Dumbledore

Dear Mr. Porter,

Thank you for testing our product, Life, and filling out the forms. Your answers will be kept confidential, unless otherwise noted from you.

We at the company are glad to see that you were mostly satisfied with the product. We have some further questions if you would be so kind to fill them out.

You received it as a gift, but from whom? Has this person tried the product? Before it was given to you, had you heard about it? Perhaps you have read one of our advertisements (they’re hard to miss) or have talked about it with friends.

Have you experienced any side effects of this product? In the fine print there is a list of things that may be caused by overusing, wearing out, or roughly treating this product. If you need help handling this product, one of our staff is always available on our main phone line.

As for the excitement, the levels vary depending on the user. We are sorry that the product did not live up to your expectations on that level, but we believe you must have had the wrong attitude towards it. If, later on, you are still disappointed with it, simply turn the product around to something that is more your taste. How long it lasts, well, that varies on the user as well. You have to be gentle with it in order for it to last longer, but we at the company have not yet figured out a way to measure it.

Your inquiries about the instructions have been heard many a time. That is our most frequent complaint, and the cause of many returns. Often the confused try our competitive product, but that has many negative side effects. If you are still confused on the instruction manual, you can visit our help site for more information.

We have been testing a variant of the product on children, which is much simpler and less advanced. The children seem to enjoy it, breeze through it, and not think much about it until they grow old enough to buy the more advanced product that you tested.

Your concern about prices has been heard as well. Prices often vary per individual. The product you tried was more expensive because it offered higher opportunities; you can buy a cheaper version, but I don’t think you would like it as much.

As for the question of the need of this product, we at the company find it absolutely necessary for every person. This is the 21st century, my friend (we have taken in to consideration the fact that the term “respondent” had a negative connotation to you) and we are moving forward fast. We are already working on advances in our products so that, hopefully, by next year, everyone can have one.

Uniformity is something we have tried to prevent here at the company. We hope that our product inspires originality, style, and uniqueness. We don’t want our product to be bland or boring, so we need differences in color, shape, and size to mix things up.

We at the company are not promoting bad behavior, talk, or forcing of things upon others, as you suggested we might. It is the people’s choice what they are going to do with the product, but it should not be taken for granted. As I said earlier, it will last longer if you take care of it.

Once again, thank you for testing and reviewing our product, Life. If you have any questions, you can call our main line or email our website. We appreciate your thoughts and concerns, and would love to hear any further praise or critique from you. Your competitive product will arrive as soon as the one you are testing now runs out. However, if you wish to return the product (we don’t recommend it), you can always just write us a request stating why you are returning the product, and then we will deliver the competitive product immediately.

Many thanks,
Bob Brown
Sales Manager and Fellow Product Tester

The author's comments:
I read an article/poem once about comparing life to a product sold by a company. This is my take on it, personifying an employee of a company that sells "Life", and his opinions on the product.

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This article has 1 comment.

on Feb. 5 2014 at 10:06 pm
SpidersAcrossStars PLATINUM, Hayward, California
38 articles 0 photos 160 comments

Favorite Quote:
For you, a thousand times over.

This is very clever. 5 stars.

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