What the f*** are all these dumb ass strangers doing in my house?!! Rosemary was all a blur as unfamiliar faces packed into her very tiny home. Even though she had ½ an inch thick glasses, the faces were completely unrecognizable. Everyone clapped and cheered as Rosemary was shoved into the dining room. As Rosemary hobbled to the front of the table, it was obvious she had become extremely uncomfortable. On her way there, Rosemary tried to forge a smile, but her dentures began to wobble due to the fact she had misplaced her denture glue earlier that morning. It was the least she could do: forge a smile. She had on her best pearls for Christ’s sake! The last time
While she made her way to the head of the table, the crowd somehow managed to clear, and Rosemary took a giant swig of the champagne she had been saving. Damn bastards, Rosemary thought. Who steals an old woman’s champagne? After her enjoyable swig, the cranky Rosemary snatched the bottle. When the elderly broad finally made it to the head of the table, it took her five minutes to sit down. She kept refusing help because well, old people are just plain stubborn.
Before the confused, and now slightly tipsy, Rosemary was probably the biggest freaking cake she had ever seen in her 102 years on this planet. Somehow someone managed to stick 102 candles on the thing, and the whole cake was covered. Rosemary could feel the heat from the candles entrance her pores. Holy mother of God, she thought. I’m gonna have to tell Charlotte to let out my trousers ‘cuz this b**** is gonna eat this whole thing! She put down her prized champagne bottle, and she leaned in to blow them out, unaware the guests had begun to sing “Happy Birthday.” Rosemary didn’t care. She was 102. She could do whatever the f*** she wanted to.
When Rosemary opened her eyes, expecting to see at least five of the candles blown out, only two were unlit. She figured she had used to much spit, and tried again, and again, and again. Rosemary was just too stubborn to ask for help. When she was finally done, a gigantic grin spread across her face. The crowd cheered, but then a loud gasp was heard. Rosemary was seen face down in the cake. When her face was picked up by one of her granddaughters, her dentures were left smashed into the cake’s center.