Unholy Confessions

June 8, 2008
By Paloma Ibarra, Bellflower, CA

I gazed at the blue sky that smiled back down at me. It was the last day I would ever see her, of this I truly was certain. The dead-noon sun shone down directly upon me. It's rays were full of heat and warmth, they writhed within me warming even the coldest parts of my soul. I shuddered, but I wasnt cold. I merely was aware of the sudden warmth flowing through my body.

I was tired, for I hadnt slept too well the night before. My eyes drooped lazily and they closed frequently. Each time I dozed off, your radiant face would appear before my eyelids. Always smiling...your hair flowing in the air...I tried not to think of you, for at the mere mention of your name, my cheeks flushed with the tint of a thousand roses. Losing you would hit me hard.

I looked around, witnessing thousands of students as they walked away from the solemn school. It looked deserted and ominous now. No more laughs and happy chatter was heard. I sat on a bench not so far from the entrance, and stared. I would never return. You would, but not I.

Perhaps it was because of my pondering that I could not hear the steps. They were quick and graceful, each step placed neatly into rhythm and never out of place. Of course, this was not something out of the ordinary for you. Your life was filled with music; each day was a new note to the symphony of your life. And I wished so hard to be a harmonic solo.

You yelled my name from the lonely entrance of the school. At the sound of your voice, I turned and met your eyes. They shone beautifully in the noontide light. The sun made your beauty seem only more radiant. I wished to place my hand upon your cheek....to pull you closer.... But once again, my cheeks flushed at the sight of your angelic figure. I turned away in order to hide the growing roses upon my cheeks.

"What did you want to tell me?", you asked perceptively, as always. You held a piece of paper in your small, fragile hand. The note I had used to tell you to rendezvous with me here, perhaps. In your other hand you held the case of your flute and a small composition notebook. Your eyes were full of happiness; they glittered and shone throughout this dim and awkward moment. I couldn't help but smile.

Your hair kept falling into your eyes, brown melting unto brown, only enhancing your beauty farther. I must admit, it was hard to breathe, standing there looking into your chocolate eyes. I traced my fingertips across your forehead, guiding the stray hair from your eyes. They shone and glittered even more prominently now. I sighed and hugged you tightly, like I had hugged you for the last 180 days of school. Your arms locked around me as well, a reflex you had attained after hugging me for so long. I embedded my head in the small crevice of your neck and tears began to splatter upon your skin. They glimmered bittersweetly in the afternoon sun.

"Is something wrong?", you asked softly. My hand retracted from your waist and came up to my cheek. It was wet with crystalline tears. I shook my head and you eyed me with disbelief. Your hand clung tightly to mine as I guided you to a bench near the entrance of the school.

It was the middle of June, a time where it was neither too late, nor too early. Summer was just around the corner, and soon the Autumn would befall this town again. Although the sun shone quietly above us, I could feel a storm coming. The scent of rain clung tightly to my nose, and I feared for your safety. Wind was caressing your cheeks softly, and you dared not notice.

I placed my hand upon your cheek, chasing the wind away. I was envious of it, for it could embrace you at any moment. Not like me. Never like me. You shivered slightly. Was my hand cold? Or was I the one shaking? Your brown eyes peered up at me. Your hair was falling in your eyes again. You knew as well as I.

"You're leaving." It wasnt a question, but a mere statement that made us both cringe in pain. I nodded, unsure of what to tell you. I knew I certainly would never see you again, for what I was going to say today was against everything. Fate and God both prohibited it. And yet...I was tired of keeping it hidden in me.

The wind lashed against my skin, and I shuddered insecurely. You gripped my hand tighter, as if to ensure I was real. As if hoping it would stop my farewell. Far away, I could see the crackling of lightning and the roar of thunder. Time was running thin.

As I began to state my story, you only listened quietly. I could see your eyes were calmly staring at your feet that lay tucked under your body. A bird croaked over us, signaling the coming storm. But you stayed silent....ignoring the signs. You always ignored the signs. Beside you, I had always felt so strong. I would pick you up into my arms and cradle you against my chest happily. But you never noticed, and never thought that this would happen. That I would actually feel that way...

"I...I..." I began to say the words slowly. My mouth was dry and my voice was coming as a mere whisper. My throat was devoid of water and a raspy feeling was settling in my lungs. My stomach began churning and I felt my knees wobble. Was it really so hard to tell you how I felt? "I love you."

Suddenly, lightning struck not so far from me. You were shaking beyond control now, and for a while I thought you were laughing. The rain was pouring down upon us, and in a mere seconds you were soaking wet. I reached out for your hand and you pushed it away. Your face was wet with fresh and salty water. They mixed as they hit the ground with intense force. Slowly, you stood up, and began to walk away from me.

I stared incredulously as you walked into the street. You were running away from the person who loved you most in the world. Your vision was a blur, of this I am sure. You kept shaking and wobbling, as if you were going to lose your balance at any second.

You had dropped your composition notebook as you ran from me. It was open at a certain page full of complicated melodies. The title spoke of me. A sudden fear ripped through my body as I raised my gaze to look at you. And I was scared...

It was quick but precise. A solitary ray that shone upon your figure, illuminating it. For a moment, I thought an angel had taken your place. But there was no angel. There was only pain.

I cannot tell you if it was my screams, or the roaring thunder that filled the air that day. But the pain that filled my heart was excruciating. A feeling like a part of my soul was missing completely... And I felt empty.

When I was younger...people told me it rained because the angels in heaven are crying. But they dont cry. They laugh, causing all the thunder. They always laugh upon this pain filled earth. They were laughing that day because they took you from me. God took you from me...for my unholy confessions...

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