Modern Commi Conspirator

June 9, 2008
By Jessica Reed, Guelph, ZZ

George Enron awoke at dusk one hazy Wednesday morning. He awoke to the scorching stale air in his upscale high-rise apartment. He sat up and began his morning fit of asthmatic coughing and hacking. George couldn’t stand the hot air in his apartment and walked over to the thermostat beside his large bay window. He proceeded to turn down the temperature and activate his refrigerator-sized air conditioner. He looked out the window and admired the rising sun in the smog filled sky.
He put on his Armani suit and sat down to breakfast with his laptop to read the daily newspaper. The front page read “Environmental Scientists: Modern Commi Conspirators”. It was a piece by the nation’s beloved Minister of the Environment. George was pleased. Years back, he had been a hard working man who did his part to fuel the modern economy by lobbying the government for the world’s top oil producing companies.
He began to read the article with a smile of contentment on his face. “It seems that everywhere we turn lately the inflated threat of global warming is being breathed down society’s neck by a small group of highly vocal, cultist tree huggers, calling themselves scientists. I believe it is time for someone to stand up against the idea that global warming is a detriment to our way of life. Global warming is not an apocalypse, but a gift from Mother Nature. Who wouldn’t appreciate temperatures a degree or two warmer year round?”
George nodded in approval and read on. “These ‘scientists’ claim that global warming is a threat to our environment and way of life. They say unbearable conditions would be created on Earth. This is a communist conspiracy! These individuals are out to destroy our strong economy by deterring consumers from enjoying the luxuries our country has to offer, such as, large status symbol vehicles and brightly lit and air conditioned homes. These scientists are not trustworthy and are out to turn our beloved homeland into a regressive society that uses windmills as a power source.”

George set down the paper. He was due for another coughing fit. He walked over to the medicine cabinet and pulled down two puffers from the top shelf that read: morning puffers. Down below four other puffers could be counted. The puffers were sure to be used later on in his daily routine.

He returned to the breakfast table and continued to read the article. “We should embrace the idea of global warming and put a stop to this repression. The solution is quite clear: continue to drive your massive, fossil fuel depleting SUV’s. Continue to use incandescent light bulbs, and leave them on all hours of the day. Don’t bother going out and feeding the black market economy by purchasing alternative resource products sold by “environmentalist” companies, and don’t forget; avoid the ruse of recycling at all costs. Remember recycling and alternative fuel providers’ proceeds support their regressive message!”
George grinned in agreement. The article continued, “Global warming is beneficial to everyone. We need to band together against the fight against global warming. It is a conspiracy that needs to be dealt with soon, before the environmental terrorist groups become too powerful. We must do everything we can to promote the abundance of positive aspects concerning global warming. A world with global warming is a luxurious world. So, take a stand. You are entitled to the luxuries our country provides!”
He chuckled and said, “I couldn’t have said it better myself!” He smiled as he read aloud “Submitted by the nationally respected Mr. George Enron, Minister of the Environment.” He was most pleased with his article submission. It was sure to get the response he was looking for. He continued to giggle in amusement.
Meanwhile, the familiar rumble of the large shining air conditioner suddenly slowed to a halt followed by a large bang. Dark, black smoke began to seep through the various rooms of his condo. George took little notice and was consumed by his musings of what this kind of press could do for him. “Maybe I should run for president?” he thought.
Soon his laughter turned into desperate coughing as the thick smoke crept into his airways. He scrambled over to the medicine cabinet. He ripped open the door so hard all his asthma medications were flung onto the ground in a confusing mess. He collapsed. His airways constricted to a lethal circumference. Then after one last fit of weak coughing, he was silenced. He died right there on the kitchen floor.

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