No Good

June 6, 2008
By marlayna olivares, Tucson, AZ

No good, no good, no good. It’s never any good hiding from Her. She always finds me, but I do it anyways. I like it better in here, in the dark, than Out There. The swelling black provides a safe haven from Her. At least in these shadows I am untouchable, even if it is only for a brief moment. Here She can’t break me down. She can’t make me feel like nothing or make me turn pale at the sight of Her. In this deep salvation, my words will not be cluttered in my throat, and I will not lose my breath at the sound of Her voice. The very presence of Her cannot send chills down my spine or make my palms sweat.

In this deep dark closet of mine, Her eyes can’t pick me apart piece by piece until I am nothing but air, being taken by the wind into oblivion. Oh those eyes. I shiver at the thought of them. Steely gray, colder than the flesh of a rotting corpse. And if I am brave, and I look deep enough, I can see something that nearly makes me wet my pants. A glimmer of red, a shining satisfaction to the evil She lays down upon me that makes me squirm.

You know, my father would say it was a gift, the way I could see into people through their eyes. I truly wonder where he is right now. See, my dad was very brave, and he left. He flew right out of Her grasp, not giving one more ounce of love to the horrid one I am forced to call Mother. I wish I was as brave as him, to run away. I wonder sometimes why he left me behind, but I know there must have been a good reason. My father was never a coward; he was brave, brave enough to run.

Oh no. I hear the noise. The click clack of Her high heeled shoes. The dreadful ones that She accidentally dropped on my head, enough force to make things go dark. That was okay though, since I am deeply in love with the dark.

Her voice pierces through the air, the one that makes my stomach churn. I feel the vomit creeping up my throat. As the doorknob turns, I start to fold. Folding down inside myself until my soul is thicker than concrete, so that I may feel nothing. So that any action She takes against me is no good, no good, no good.

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