5 Dollar Foot Long of Death

June 4, 2008
By Ryen Betzhold, Donald, OR

“Uh, um lets see here.” The man said peering threw the glass.

“Sir for the love of anything that is anything, please order!” The sandwich maker replied.

The man replied in wonder, “Don’t rush me. Sandwich perfection takes time!”

“Okay then, I will be over there,” he said walking away, “You yell for me when you’re ready.”

Ten minutes and half a nap later the man finally made up his mind. “Hey!” The half a sleep teen jumped, “I would like a meatball, ham, lettuce, tomato, bacon, yellow and parmesan cheese, relish and extra ketchup.” He yelled out, out of breath, the blob of words that was a command. He then smiled in triumph for in his mind he created the greatest sandwich of all time.

The kid stared in aw, “Is that all?”

“Oh now that I think of it I would like you to add some onions on top of the sub, and bread in the middle.”

It took ten minutes to think of the sub and twenty to make it. When he was done creating the monstrous sub he went to the register.

The kid didn’t look very happy at this point, “That will be $10.98… sir.”

“What!?” He yelled, “Ten dollars? Isn’t it Five Dollar Foot Long!”

He returned a yell, “Yes but you put so much junk on it that it cost more!”

He pulled out his wallet, “I have a five dollar bill, and five dollars worth in pennies. I hope you don’t mind but you’ll have to count the pennies.”

Jaw dropped the teenager replied, “Just give me a five! Now get out!”

The creator of the vile sandwich dropped off the five dollar bill and ran off with his sub. While in his car he put on some jams and drove off. He was so hungry waiting that he immediately opened up the wrapper and took a bite, but it was air? He looked down, the sandwich was grinning, with lettuce as teeth, tomato as tongue, and onions for eyes it dodged the bite. With one last gasp the sub devoured him whole.

Three days later a phone call awoke a weary mother, “Hello?” The answer was nothing but fuzz. “Hello!?”.


“Hello!” But still there was no answer. She hung up, and walked over to the couch. Staring at a picture she cried. “Why Did you have to leave me? You just had to get a huge sandwich and choke on it.” She sobbed.

A sound diverted her attention. “Whose there!?” thinking she’s just crazy she looked back at the picture. A huge sub sat in front of her. She gasped, closed her eyes and it was gone. She turned around to go back to her bed and with one last gasp the sub devoured her.

A child awoke to the barking of a dog. “Be quite Graham!” but the barking continued. He was forced to get out of his precious bed. Billy was the son of a father and a mother. His father had died earlier and for that reason he became depressed. He ate to fill the void in his soul and to replace his father. He was once active but now is lazy and always sleeping. He had gained over fifty pounds in two weeks. Walking down stairs they squeaked and bent to his weight.

The dog stopped.

“Graham?” he yelled. He continued to walk down the stairs. “Hey Graham Shut up!” Once he was done he was down he looked around the corner into the kitchen. After all he was kind of hungry. There he saw it, the beautiful, curvy, and voluminous figure. He drooled in awe. He walked forward. He wanted it. It was only something he’d seen in his dreams, he looked with his mouth open.

It was a five dollar foot long, the one his dad used to make.

He yelled “Oh yes! Come to me!” Graham barked. “Shut up Graham its my sandwich!”

He picked it up and opened his mouth, he saw the sub grin back at billy. He ran up the stairs and by the time he got up he was out of breath panting on the floor. He looked behind him and saw the creature crawling up the stairs. Billy yelled, he tried crawling but his arms were so much smaller than his body he couldn’t crawl fast enough. The sandwich finally reached Billy. It opened its mouth and wrapped its mouth around his foot. Once he devoured his foot he went to his legs, then to his thighs and by the time he got to his waist it was gagging and struggling to eat him. Billy’s over sized body was too much to handle for the foot long. But it kept trying to eat him, it swallowed him like a snake. The foot long got to Billy’s breast area, it couldn’t take the pressure. One more gulp and the sandwich imploded. Tomatoes and meatballs flew everywhere in all directions and record breaking speeds. A tomato slapped him across the face. Dizzy, Billy passed out. He woke up from what seemed an eternity. Meatball marinara and ketchup was everywhere.

His dog barked again.

“Shut up Graham!”

In the end the dog cleaned the house with his tongue and the kid ate the sub. The sub tasted so horrible he ran for miles and ate subs everyday to try and clear that dreadful taste in his mouth. He renamed himself to “Jared”

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