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We were sitting in his car, not an uncommon occurrence. This was where we knew each other, when we could talk openly, about anything. We would play this game of Truth every time we were alone, asking each other questions, and trusting that the other would tell the truth, no matter what the consequences. We had exhausted questions over the past hour, and we were now sitting silently.
My hand was on the heating vent, pushing the window back and forth quickly, he hated this, but I always had to be doing something with my hands. I was nervous in these silent moments, always wondering what he was thinking. My body was angled towards his, and he was slouching in the driver’s seat with his knees resting on the steering wheel.
He sighed, quietly enough that I knew I wasn’t supposed to hear it above the music playing in the background, but I did. I turned my head toward him, letting my hand fall off the vent and fold into my lap.
“What are you thinking?” I whispered as I leaned over to turn the radio down so it was a mere whisper.
“I want to be with you,” He said. He shrugged his shoulders and brought his hands up to cover his face, as he often did.
I laughed bitterly, we had been through this before, after the kiss I told him I was ready to take our friendship to next level, but he was adamant that he was perfectly fine with just being friends, he had moved on, going on dates here and there, and I remained, silent, waiting, as I always was. He knew that I would always be waiting for him, and he took advantage of that.
“That’s interesting” I said sarcastically, my hand moving back to play with the heating vent, a glaring sign that I was uncomfortable.
“What do you mean?” He replied, obviously oblivious.
“Do you think it’s okay?” I asked, my voice rising slightly, “Do you think it’s okay just to leave me hanging for months, tell me you like other girls and then decide you want to be with me? Is it fair to me?”
“I thought this was what you wanted?” He asked, looking slightly afraid and confused.
This was what I wanted, in fact, I’d been waiting for this moment for months, dreaming about it, seeing myself here, him saying the exact same words, but reality was very different than my dreams.
“It was. But how can I guarantee that you actually want this? Or do you just want another kiss? I am not going to get into this until I know it will be a semi-permanent thing. I can’t just date someone and have it last a month.”
He was taken aback, “Is that who you think I am?”
I paused, “Yeah, I do. The last time you left once you got what you wanted. What’s different this time? What’s changed?”
He stared at me for a moment, and then leaned over, he kissed me hard, and I almost let myself fall. My senses were very aware of him, the way he made me feel, but how could I be sure he was feeling the same way too?
I pushed his face away, “No.”
“Come on.” He whispered, smiling at me.
“I can’t.” I whispered back.
We were silent again, nothing passing between us but the low music playing. It was a song I was familiar with, one of my favorites, a classic, you might say, The Dance, by Garth Brooks, about taking chances, about going with your gut, even though you’re not sure how it might turn out. But I was rebelling against the screaming in my head to say something to him, I couldn’t, I was too afraid.
“Tell the truth,” He whispered,
“About what?” I replied
“About what you're feeling, this very second.”
“You first.” I said, not making it easy,
He nodded, knowing that if he jumped first, I would follow, as my best friend, he knew me far too well, “I think,” he began, “that you like me, and I like you. I made some mistakes, but the truth is, the kiss, it is all that I’ve thought about, and the other girls were just a distraction.”
“Why did you feel the need to be distracted?” I asked, annoyance seeping through my tone,
He sighed, unwilling, but it was Truth, he couldn’t lie, “You know everything about me”
I laughed, “And that’s a problem? I wouldn’t be surprised by anything.”
“Exactly,” He replied, sitting, up, and grabbing my hand, “You know everything about me, my faults, my likes, my dislikes, everything I have, you know. It’s just weird, thinking about starting a relationship with someone who knows everything about you. Who knows your biggest mistakes. But I can’t fight against it anymore.”
I shook my head at him, and I started laughing, “I see it as more of a positive, there will be no surprises.”
“So, what do you really want?” He asked, quiet again, rubbing my hand in his.
“I want to be with you,” I replied, telling the truth.
“What will you do?” He asked
I laughed, “I’ll pretend like I don’t want to be with you, argue a little bit more, and then realize that I need to be with you.”
He smiled, and leaned in. He kissed me softly on the lips, it didn’t go deeper though, and when he pulled away I saw something there in his eyes, and for the first time, I could tell that he was telling the truth.