Why Homework Is Difficult

It's been a long, hard day. It started when I woke up. My, oh my--was I ever tired! I had had only a few hours sleep the night before, having to work on this one essay, along with lots of other homework. Our teacher, who goes by the name of Margery Waken, had thought it would all be a “good learning experience” to write an essay that would soon be submitted somewhere—perhaps a competition, a simple online form, or a group of internet critiques. Not to digress, but, believe it or not, Margery is a guy! I was surprised when I learned, too.

Now, see, something of this caliber tends to be overwhelmingly difficult for me. It's not that I have that which is called “writer's block”... Ah, well, perhaps I do. And perhaps my pencil often breaks due to my extreme pressure with which I write. And perhaps my dog, who goes by the name of Cat, sometimes likes to eat my homework along with his bird food—which is actually cat food, confusingly called bird food for some reason. But, no. You really want to know why writing essays and doing homework is so difficult for me? One word: er. No. No, that “er” is not the reason why. The reason, you see, are miniature dragons which use vegetables as their mounts, thinking them to be some equestrian tool. Alas, they are not of the same genus, but that doesn't stop those vegetables!

Now, back in the 6th century, when I was still a super spy with the Galactic Super Spy Organization, I learned all about the evil deeds that vegetables committed. Oh, yes... they forced humanity to eat vegetables! Now, let me ask you, dearest reader, what cruel vegetable forces another to eat itself? And, well, the answer is... a vegetable. Mind you, these evil vegetables only become evil when they become slaves to peanut viruses.

And, of course, seven-headed dragons proceed to mount these infected vegetables. This, of course, leads to all sorts of havoc. I'm sure all of you who are well-informed must know that this is why RANDOM was created (for those of you who don't know, that's Repel All Nasty Dragons Over Millenia), the task force that works to push back dragons from whence they came, along with ARTICLE (Avengers Rebelling To Impair Creepy Legumes Everywhere), which works against all evil vegetables, and typically tries to revert them back to their original, benevolent forms. Dragons aren't inherently bad, they simply have a tendency towards erratic behavior. And with said behavior all too often comes danger. They simply can't ignore those tantalizing legumes that just want to become tools of destruction.

Well, reader, if you're still reading, I'm sure that you must think me crazy. It all started when an unidentified flying object teleported me up into its hull. In the past, I had been regaled with tales of the horrors that occurred within these unidentified flying objects. Little did I expect that I would be subjugated to the pure horror of gospel country dubstep rap—an entirely maleficent genre of music forged in the very fires of evil itself. And to make matters worse, it was sung by autotuned parrots. Yes, that's right—autotuned parrots. My word. I sincerely hope that all of you will never have to experience such a thing while you live.

Oh my, how I seem to have digressed beyond epic proportions! Gosh, darn it! There goes four hours, just having explained all this detail! Well, just since you got this far, I'll let you in on a little secret: the main reason as to why doing homework is so difficult for me. Procrastination. I have put off lots of my homework in order to regale you, dearest reader, with a tale of almost entirely nonsensical lies. I shall hope you forgive me for lying to you, though, since I came out with the truth at the end. I must also ask of you not to grieve too furiously, for there is a grain or two of truth in my stories. And now, if you'd excuse me, I must now attend to my homework.





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