Princess, An Excerpt from Naturally Charmed (Lily on Being Tiny, Lacrosse, and Other Silly Ways of L

May 23, 2008
By Jordan Solomon, Pittsburgh, PA

Lacrosse. It sounds funny. What is that? I just heard it today for the first time and can’t even spell it. I am so confused. Mads is running, but why? This greeny stuff she’s running on is too bright, it hurts to look at. There’s a little man too, he doesn’t look too happy, but I don’t feel sorry for him. He keeps getting right up in my sissy’s face every time she steps off the green, making a loud noise with this shiny thing around his neck. Stupid shiny thing. Ms. Crenshaw, my Kindergarten teacher who smells like meat, has one of those and I hate it hate it hate it. I am not a dog. I’m a person, no matter how tiny I am…

“Lily?” Mom tugged at my sleeve.

“Watch the game, dear.”

“Nooo.” I said, as I squirmed and licked Fun Dip from my fingers. My face looked like a blueberry and I really needed a napkin. I tried to watch but couldn’t see anyway. All I really wanted now was that beef jerky, sitting in the car, waiting for me.

“Look at you. Jesus, Lil, you’re a mess!”

“Mommyyyy! I love youuuu.” I cooed, throwing my arms around her. This was my latest ploy to get my next snack.

“Shhh, I love you too, sweetie.”

Humph. That didn’t work. I tried to fix my gaze on the squares in the net behind me as I poked my grubby fingers in and out.

“Sq.u.are,” I sounded to no one in particular. “Sq.u.areeees!” I fell, “Ow!” my butt touched something wet and I squealed, “Ewww!”

My mom took her eyes off the field. Ahh, I was the center of attention again, just the way I liked it.

“What? Oh my god, Lil, what’s wrong?”

“Mama, I’m wet.”

“Me too, it’s raining.”

“And the sky is making noise and I’m scared.” I grabbed her sleeve.

“Relax! The angels in heaven are just bowling,” she said. “Every weekend they have a tournament.”

“What’s a turnyment?”

The crowd jumped to their feet. Shouts of:
“Go purple!”
and, “Keep the pressure on um, girls!” filled the air.
Urgh. Stupid sport.
“Your sister just scored, Lil! Yayyyy Maddie! Nice work!”

Yeah, yeah. All I saw were failing legs and purple uniforms as my sister’s team shot down the field. Didn’t they get tired?

“TURNYMENT, mama, what is that?”

“What sweetie?”

“A turnyment?”

“TOURnament, dear. It’s a competition. Very much like what’s going on right now. Which you should beeee watchingggg!” She cooed as she tickled me up and down my legs.

“He he he he! Stopppp it! Stopp it, mamaaa!”

I got cozy in her lap.

“Why is the sky so muddy?”

“Because the angels didn’t have time to clean the bowling alley, now shhhh.”

“But whyyyy…”

“Shhh, calm down, dear.”

“But I waaant my jerky.”

“Didn’t you just eat a sna…NO! URGH! GIRLS! STAY ON YOUR MAN!”


“The other team just scored, sweetie.” Mom massaged her temple. Was this bad?

“Is that baaad?”

“Yes, we want purple to win. Can you say, ‘Go bears?”

“Gggggo bearrrrrrs! Gggo bearssss! Wait…bears?”

“The WT bears, they’re in purple.”

“Heyyy, I KNOW that color!”

“Yes, yes. I know you do, now watch.”

“Bbbbbears.” I swept up mom’s blanket and started to dance. “Bbbbears. Go bbbears!” I shouted and stomped like a cheerleader, obviously I wasn’t very good at it.

“Lil! I’m sorry,” my mom apologized to the people in the stands. I didn’t know why. After all, I was the best thing that had happened to them all day.

“Lily, stop. You have to settle down.”

What good was sitting still anyway?

“Lily I think we need to go for a little walk.”

“Nooo!” I huffed.

I never went quietly. This was something I felt quite strongly about, entertaining people. I didn’t enjoy being tugged and prodded like a puppy.

“Lillian Elizabeth!” she bellowed, we are going to get your jerky.”

My ears perked up, my eyelashes fluttered with great joy, “Reallllyyyy?”

“Yes, maybe that will calm you d...OH GREAT! Who scored?! I can’t believe I missed that!”

Some fat lady in the stands said, “Callie! She’s quite the player!” and my mother sighed. She hated being distracted from big action.

As I watched the shiny players and the sea of legs I saw something I hadn’t before. My sister really wanted to win! Maybe just maybe I could put aside my need to be the star and watch her shine because after all...

“Let’s go,” mommy was not pleased with me.

“I’m sorry!” I sniffled.

“No no, no tears. There’s no need for that.”

“But I’m always hogging you! Mads should get a piece of you...sometimes.”

“Oh Lil,” she said, scooping me into the air and leaving the field. “You just need more than she does.”

“But whyyyyy?”

“Because,” she said, strolling with me along the sidewalk. “You’re tiny.”

“Ugh, I hate being tiny.”

“Ugh,” she repeated, teasing me as she dug through our van, “Tiny is...tiny is good. You don’t have to worry about much of anything.”

“What about being cute? I asked, as I jumped down.

“You take the prize for that, so even that’s not something to fret about! But you can’t disrupt others when they’re trying to watch the game. It’s rude.”

“I didn’t mean to...” I started.

“Shhh, it’s okay...”

“Halftime!” I heard the old, mean man with the shiny thing yell.

“Ohh! We better get your jerky.! Found it! Now let’s hurry hurry! We don’t want to miss the end of the game.”

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