Pepito the Peanut

May 21, 2008
By Jordan Unverzagt, Albuquerque, NM

Today marks two years of the death of my loving husband, Pepito. He was a genuine little peanut. A hard worker too, he always strived for what he wanted, even if it took him years to get it. Pepito was a very wise peanut. Patience and mental confusion were too things he was known for as well, however, good looks would never be associated to him.

I met Pepito at a country western bar. The poor thing was being kicked on the ground by all of the line dancers. Not even the wasted hicks would take a second look at him. He was un-proportionate, deformed, and had ugly brown spots all over him. All of the bad traits in his entire family seemed to make a contribution to the Pepito’s gene pull as he was created. I found him cute in an ugly way though, yet couldn’t even think about telling anyone that. Being Butter, there was no way on Earth I could be seen with a Peanut, having grown up with many eligible Biscuits, Toast, and Pancakes all around me. It was just something unheard. My mother would tell me, “Butter, why would you spend the rest of your life as a salty substance that sticks to the roofs of peoples’ mouths, when you could be delicately placed on top of a Pancake, while at the same time getting showered with syrup? It’s common knowledge, darling.” My mother’s “advice” stuck with me the rest of my life, and no matter if my feelings were telling me different, I stuck with it. I stared at Pepito getting kicked around on the floor for a while, until it was time for me to go back into the fridge. From that night on, that sorry little Peanut Pepito would take a spot of my heart forever.

Growing up my whole life wondering what had happened to the mysterious Peanut, I realized it was time to follow my heart for once. I had married a Waffle when I was very young. I did it to please my mother, but made sure no one was aware of that. Waffles just did not connect well with me. I fit into his squares, but as most humans know, spreading Butter on a Waffle is most of the time very difficult. Years after our lackluster marriage, Waffles finally died. A part of me melted that day, but another part of me grew with the anxiousness of finally going off on a journey to find Pepito.

It was at Sunshine Senior Citizen’s Center where I encountered the despicably cute peanut. I was scared that he would not remember me, for it had been more than years since our encounter at the country western bar had occurred. Thankfully though, we started off in a full conversation, like we had been life long friends, reunited at once.

“I thought I would never see you again!” Pepito remarked.

“I know! I thought that once I married Waffles, I would have no chance with a Peanut. But once Waffles passed away last spring, I realized it was finally time to follow my heart.”

“What?? Follow your fart you say?? You seem to be quick on the insults here lady. SECURITY!!”

“No Pepito! My heart! I love you! I’ve always loved you! Don’t you feel the same way?”

“Well hell Butter, I have loved you all of my life but you broke my heart years ago when you married that fool, Waffles. I have been waiting here in this old folks home for decades waiting to die. I think about you everyday and I pray that somebody will pick me out of this bowl and eat me just to take away the misery you’ve left me with!”

“Oh Pepito I am so sorry! I wish I could’ve come for you sooner it’s just that back in the East—“

“Yeast you say?? Is that it?! I don’t have any yeast for you? Does that not make me man enough?? Listen, I may not be no Biscuit or Loaf of Bread but let me tell you this, it’s like the old saying goes, ‘Ask not what your Peanut can do for you; ask what can you do for your Peanut.’ Are you catching my drift here woman?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you, Pepito, but I am here now. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

“I’ve always wanted a dog to call my own, I’ve always wanted somebody to resalt my shell, or better yet, get some of these dirty old spots off of it, but let me tell you this, I’ve never wanted anything more than I’ve wanted you Butter. We belong together I heard it in a song once. The words went something like, ‘When a Peanut loves some Butter! He can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else…”

“You are too sweet!! How come I never came to you earlier?”

“Well Butter, it’s because it wasn’t our time yet. I knew there was a reason they put me in this room here filled with Humans who don’t have no teeth anymore. It wasn’t my time to die until I had found you. They knew none of the old hags would even come near me anyways. Not only will I hurt their gums, but they’ll never be able to steady their hands from shaking long enough to crack open my shell!”

“Pepito I love you! Let’s get married! Let’s die together! It is our time now!”

That was the happiest moment I’ve ever experienced, being in that room with the Peanut of my life. We got married right away. We decided to get jarred right there in the heart of Jacksonville, Florida. No longer were we individuals. No longer were we soul mates. No longer was he Peanut and I Butter. We were Peanut Butter. Never to be separated again. It was the first time in my life that I felt complete. We were a very nutty couple but we were perfect. We lived in the Sunshine Senior Citizen’s Center for a few minutes, in the same room Pepito had stayed in. We were irresistible together. All the old toothless fogies fought over us now that we were finally something they could eat without having to put in their dentures. Finally, the old man in the electrical wheelchair and the 3” thick glasses won the battle. He picked up a spoon, then wheeled us over to the window. He looked out at the sunset and began to eat us. We were dying, but we were together at last, and that was all that mattered. “Peanut Butter,” he said, “it’s hard for me to talk with it stuck to the roof of my mouth, but who would ever think of separating the two. They were made for each other.”

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