Blind Date

May 20, 2008
By Jackson Mooneyham, Gallatin, TN

I felt as though the conversation was becoming a little awkward. She had not said anything in the past fifteen minutes; the torture jokes were probably not in good taste. They were real killers though; I wish people weren't so sensitive about such things. Anyway, I decided to deploy the ultimate weapon to break the ice; the creme de la creme of conversational topics.

"So, do you like... dogs?"

"...Well, yes I love dogs. My uncle breeds German Shepherds in West-"

"Uh, speaking of dogs, you want to hear a joke?"

"... If this one has anything to do with a blowtorch or jumper cables, I am leaving right now."

"No, no. This ones good. I mean probably the best joke ever. I should become a comedian, I would probably do well for myself, you know, this jokes my original, its really good, no joke."

She sighs
"Alright, go for it."

I knew I had her now. This brief window, this brief exchange of words would tip her over the edge for me. This was like in the movies, only better, much better because no one could have thought of this. How anyone could resist me, me with such social talent, such a deep understanding of human interactions, is mere speculation. I began thinking if I was open for next Saturday - hmm, no, probably not if I do overtime at Super Clips.

"So anyway, there's this dog ok? And he goes out with his friend on a Saturday and they hit a couple bars. So, they go into this one bar and the dog grabs a pawful of peanuts and starts eating them. But then he's like, 'Oh no, I'm allergic to peanuts.' He passes out, but fortunately the ambulance comes in time to revive him. Anyway, next week he goes to his cousin's birthday party where they have some cake. Well, he takes a piece of cake and starts eating it, but then he's like, 'Oh no, I'm birthday cake intolerant.' He falls to the ground and dies. But you know what the funny part is?"

"... No... what is it?"

"It's a dog!"

"Thats not funny at all..... You are an idiot."
And so she left.

So this date didn't go as well as planned. But I learned something about human nature, and life, and greater truths. Jealousy controls our actions. Envy had consumed my date, envy of my comedic skill, envy of my superior sense of humor. Otherwise, she would have laughed and celebrated my cleverness; but instead, she decided to show herself as the lesser person. I will find someone of my intellectual... prowess... that's a good one..., but until then, my search continues.

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