Like Oxygen

April 30, 2008
I could get you out of here. He whispers.

Eyes straight, face forward. Ignore the chills flooding your body. Forget his breath against your ear.

I could give you what you want.

Eyes straight, face forward. Ignore the chills flooding your body. Forget his breath against your ear.

You will be amazed. There are some secrets I have kept. I am not her, not him. I’m not a doll. I’m not them. I need to tell her. I do not have the courage to tell her. Don’t make me them. My head begins to spin. I feel scared and I begin to breathe profoundly. My voice is caught up in my throat and I suffocate. My heartbeat races and my pulse goes up, higher and higher. It is happening all over again. She’s not even here yet.

Your eyes hold too much pain. I can find you an escape.

I can find you an escape. Don’t think about his hand on your spine. Look forward and breathe right. Relax.

You can trust me.

Just breathe right and relax.

People. Associating. People plus associating equals bad. Bad. Don’t trust them, never be close to them. They only bring you down. Rely on yourself. Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. ‘You need to go out. This cannot be healthy.’ Her presence haunts me. A little to close for personal, spare me. My head hurts and my hand begins to tremble from an unknown fear. My lips quiver and my eyes swell up in tears. I don’t speak, I cannot speak. I cannot speak. Breathe, just breathe.

I know some people…
I can barely hear the rest. I have a raging headache. I touch my head with my hands and try to sooth the pain away.

-Hey, are you okay?

My head hurts, oh how my head hurts. Pain. Breathe. There are too many voices in my brain. Get them out, please just get them out!

The wind blows across my face. The cold. My favorite type of weather, my weather. Icy hands and even more icy breaths. My cheeks are pale, but my nose has a rosy glow. I get the feeling of peace and tranquility. I feel security. I can stand out here forever. ‘Inside, now! It is too cold outside and I don’t want you to get sick.’ Dear Hypocrite, do not tell me what to do. Pass her down the hall. Look down because you cannot meet her gaze. My body shivers, in the warmth. I feel so nauseous. My head aches. Pain. I reach up for oxygen.

I can help you.

Slight turn of my head, acknowledgement. Just ignore and breathe.

I could be there for you.

I stare at his face.

I should not be here. My instincts say I should not be here. My heart screams I should. My fingers are tightly intertwined within his. He is pulling me towards an unfamiliar place. An unfamiliar direction. My breathing is becoming unsteady. He turns to me and tilts his head to a side. He smiles at me as his eyes search for something in mine. I am emotionless, almost faceless. My eyes betray, the glow of fear. He leads me to a narrow, but crowded room. Everyone is in a dazed trance. They stare straight. Thick smoke, heavy smoke. Worry splashes my face. I look up front. I don’t recall learning how to breathe.

Don’t be afraid. I am here for you.
Tingles go up and down my spine, my whole body. His gentle touch severely frightens me. I stare straight.

Don’t deny it. Give in. Give in. His voice is hoarse as he tries to whisper sweetly.


One word. Ecstasy. I am beginning to feel. My haunting, my sickness, my pain. They all wash away. Fade away. Fire runs through my veins, quick and easy. Pleasure, from something so insignificant. Significant. Untouchable. Our hands are still intertwined. My head is on his shoulder. I take a breath. My surroundings are in oblivion. I take it for granted, as everyone else. My thoughts are not coherent. Together we are. Tonight, I am finally alive.

The naked truth. I say to myself. Repeat to myself. I itch and feel slightly sick. My body, my mind, my soul. We await together, so numb. I desire for the fire to rip through me. To have me feel the warmth. The Burns. My taste trapped me in. Intoxicated. You are addicted, love. Do not deny it. Who is denying it? I feel pain. She is back. So very hard to breathe. So very hard.

If your first dose brought you a satisfaction, an infatuation, then your second dose brought you the lust. Every time you come back, begging, wanting more and more. You slip in, you give in, you stay in. This craving, this love of yours. Only yours. You need it.

Like oxygen.

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preeeyuh said...
Aug. 6, 2008 at 7:18 pm
GREAT JOB. this is outstanding. =]
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