May 21, 2012
By Anonymous

That was a stupid thing you just did.
I know.
A really stupid thing.
I know.
You probably shouldn't have done that.
But you did anyway.
I did.
I haven't an answer for you.
What's that?
I haven't. An answer.
Well, do you feel that what you did was right?
I don't feel much of anything, to be honest.
Not much of anything?
Kind of empty, really.
But this person was the love of your life! You were in love for two years!
Don't use the past tense.
You still love him?
Of course I do. It's been just over a week, after all.
Does he still love you?
I don't know.
Do you care to know? Is that why you sent him an email?
Perhaps. I'm not really sure why I sent it.
And it's not even in English! He doesn't understand French, you know that.
I know that.
He'll think you're insane.
He's known I'm insane for a while.
He'll think you've gone completely round the bend this time for sure.
I've messaged him in French before.
He was messaging me in Spanish.
You don't speak Spanish!
I know.

Why did you send him a message?
Because I had to.
Why did you have to?
Because I did, I don't know.
Do you feel better now?
I told you, I don't feel much of anything now.
Not remorse?
Not fear?
Not worry?
Not really.
What if his mother sees?
I dunno.
What if your mother finds out?
I dunno.
What if his mother sees and calls your mother? Texts her to get you away from him?
I'll figure it out then, I suppose.
You'll be kicked out.
I guess I will.
That was incredibly stupid.
Perhaps. But I feel a little lighter.
Because I've been friendly.
Friendly? You're potentially getting the both of you into huge trouble just to be friendly?
Some friend you are. I'm glad we aren't friends.
I guess we aren't.
You miss him.
I hate missing him.
But you do.
I do.
You were crying the other night.
I know.
A lot.
I know.
For him.
I'm aware.
Are you embarrassed?
Why not?
Because I needed to cry and I did.
Do you need to cry now?
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
You're awfully quiet compared to your usual racket.
I suppose I am. I didn't notice.
People don't notice themselves, usually.
No, I don't think they do.
Do you want him to respond?
What do you want him to say?
Something nice.
Like what?
Like "Hi, I got your message. I miss you too." Something along those lines.
You want to feel missed.
You know he misses you.
I know.
You know you're both supposed to get over each other.
I know that.
But you still want him to miss you.
I miss him.
If you care about him, wouldn't you want him to move on?
Yes. But right now I don't think he's moved on.
Not yet, obviously.
I just need to know.
No you don't.
Why not?
Because what you did was stupid and dangerous and completely pointless.
He might not respond, I know that.
But it was pointless beyond that. Even if he did respond, it'd probably just be another goodbye.
I don't need another goodbye. I don't think he does either.
You keep seeing his friends at school.
I do.
They'll think you're stalking him.
I'm not. And they don't read his email.
They might hear from his mother that you emailed him.
Then I don't care.
You don't?
No. And if I decide later that I do, I'll deal with the consequences.
He might not respond.
I know.
He might hate you forever because you might get him into deeper trouble.
I know.
You're risking that and more.
I know.

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